AIBU to try to help my wife lose weight? Somehow.

[HelpMeHelpMyWife]

I'm male, stepping into the lions den.

My wife (51yo) is obese. There have been a few times over the years when I've suggested that she's destined for a mobility scooter or worse and offered her a few tips of how I managed to get rid of 3 stone and generally vastly improve my health. Needless to say it went down very badly indeed and I don't really dare mention it again. (Although I feel it's my duty to. A duty I am now shirking.) I've talked to her mother a couple of times and her mother said she's talked to her but clearly that has not helped either.

Lately she's had bad hip, knee and back pain, so my fear that she's actually damaging herself now. I know from my own experience that with 3 stone less everything became easier.

She does Weight Watchers meetings but that clearly has zero effect.

So what do I do? Mentioning it to her is out but something's got to change or she's essentially going to be handicapped. (In fact I'd argue she already is, she couldn't climb over a fence, for instance.)

I'm half tempted to say something to our teenage daughter in the hope wife will listen to her but that seems a massive thing to put on her. (Perhaps not as massive as a mother on a mobility scooter, or ill.)

On personal note I find the whole thing intensely frustrating. Shouldn't Weightwatchers be pointing out the health risks of being over weight? Or her doctor? When I started getting knee pain and a few other medical early warning signs it was blatantly obvious that losing weight and getting fit was the obvious first step and ten years on the benefits have been obvious. It's not rocket science. (Sorry about the last paragraph, I needed to get that out.)

WTF do I do? Or do I just accept it and try to forget about it?

YABU - "Mind your own business and let her make her own mistakes."

YANBU - "Do something to help which I've suggested in a reply."

Its nice that you care enough to want to help her.

can you join weightwatchers with her? Take over the food/cooking ?

if she has a bad knee, back etc, gentle exercise will help, being stationary will make it worse. Is there someway you can add some gentle exercise but build it up.

I’m kind of suggesting here you help her by joining her journey instead of telling her you have done yours. Some help by stealth in the hope it can be built on. i wouldn’t normally recommend this but having had my own health journey recently? Very small baby steps being built on is very helpful

No and if you had RTFT you would have seen that Fat Families was mentioned by a previous poster It was in response to that

If I were at the top range of what’s considered healthy for my height (5’4) and then gained 3 stone, it would very much make me clinically obese.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable either. But she sounds like she doesn’t care that much

I’m sure you’re aware they’ll be two sides to this little tale of woe.

I would try to talk to her and encourage her to get more outside support. Obesity is now very much considered an illness by pharmaceutical industry, not 'lifestyle choice' and not something to be ashamed of. Yes off course other factors and availability of calories in the modern world affect weight, but overweight people are now more understood to have a constant hunger, and drugs the modulate that such as GLP1 are very effective as they suppress hunger ( they are stronger longer lasting versions of the peptide hormones that do this naturally).
I really wish you and you wife the best with this as it is so hard to watch a family member go through this and I hope she sees as you caring.

🤣

I spell out out load and clear I don't want to spend my future in a virtual prison as a carer for someone not very mobile, both of us unable to go on holidays or cycle or walk or whatever.

Then people read that and think "It can't possibly be that, it's more likely it's about looks or having another woman."

It's a bit like me spraying a fire extinguisher at a car that's on fire and onlookers thinking "He probably just doesn't like the colour.".

So NO, and I'm not sure it would make any difference if it had.

To be honest if my husband became obese I wouldn’t fancy him or want to have sex with him, and I Dare say most women on here would agree.

women are quick to come to the defence of an obese women. But not a man. It’s not what we signed up for

say to her and be frank.say your nto sexually attracted to someone why has physically let herself go

The truth hirts

You don’t have to be her carer and resent her even more than you seem to now @HelpMeHelpMyWife. You can leave and divorce her rather than be miserable and make her miserable.

Very telling that you have answered this which has only been asked once but not several posters who have suggested that you do more shopping and cooking and more of the domestic load so she can tackle her weight if she wants to

Well said

All the evidence is that 95% of intentional weight loss leads to regain or regain plus additional extra gained weight. It resets the metabolism and destroys lean muscle mass.

How long have you maintained your weight loss? (Losing weight is relatively easy in the short term) Does your wife have equal time away from the home or home responsibilities to focus on her own interests / health?

Chris Whitty sounded warnings about the GLP injections unpleasant side effects tolerated by very few long term (huge numbers stop 85%), sudden blindness, pancreatis and necrotic bowels that have caused deaths. Stop the injections same as other weight loss...regain or regain +

Your thinking you should raise this with your teenage daughter suggests you know very little about weight loss and its demands and damaging impacts on women and girls.

All the histrionics about mortality and type 2...if your wife becomes ill, as people do as they age, will this be your get out for caring? Thin people suffer all the same illnesses as fat people.

Science and evidence actuality supports finding an enjoyable way to move more and eat your fruits and veg. Don't make weight a stigma...as it is an impossible labyrinth to leave

(and there is evidence the weight stigma is linked to the poor health outcomes for fat people..studies increasingly link late diagnosis, prejuduced care for the stats for fat people ...tempting as it is for insecure folk to lord it over a sub group with a visible difference)

It’s because he doesn’t actually care about her overall wellbeing, he just cares about her weight.

Weight loss injections would seem to be the way to go. They are great for people with no time or will power. I would just put it to her directly. "I've read great things about WLI, is that something you'd like to try?"

It’s also the wife’s responsibility to MAKE the time. My husband doesn’t ask to workout and neither do I. If I want to get my steps in and lift weights I just tell him I’m going for a walk and to workout and he watches the kids.

I also do things like take my kids to the park and walk around and around the play structure while they play. I jog alongside them on bike or scooter walks, I do squats while watching them at their gymnastics. I get the kids involved in doing yoga with me in their playroom. I let them watch tv while I lift hand weights that we keep at home.

As busy as we are as mothers and wives, and with our careers, there is always 20 minutes in a day for a workout. And cooking healthy food is as easy as cooking unhealthy.

I know it’s hard. I’ve had struggles after each of my children and I’m currently in my first trimester where working out and eating healthy food has been so hard. I also know that the year or two after having this baby will be me putting in a lot of hard work to get in shape again. But I also watched an aunt and an in-law die from their poor health choices and I don’t want my children or husband to ever have to watch me die from something that I could have prevented.

The stats for a man leaving an ill wife are much much higher than the stats for a woman leaving an ill husband.

I have a similar issue with a family member (close) she is obese and needs to lose a lot, she is only young so I’m concerned about her getting bigger and bigger, she is as wide as she is tall and I don’t mean that to be horrible but it’s really concerning but to tell someone they need to lose weight is so hard and upsetting for both included.

being your wife could you not broach it as in you’re concerned about her health (as you are) tell her it comes from a kind place and a place of love, it will sting but sometimes needs must. Good luck

If this was my partner, I’d tell him he needs to sort his weight out for his own health, our relationship and our children.

I want a partner I can be active with for as long as possible, that cares about his health and appearance and who is taking reasonable steps to be fit and healthy. I wouldn’t be a carer for someone who had done very little to stay in good health.

You said it yourself................he watches the kids

@HelpMeHelpMyWife wont even tell us whether hes willing to cook or shop

Ok so im disagreeing with everyone on the dont talk to your daughter or mother point. I thknk when someone's out of control a family intervention is needed. Why should dh be the baddie here, the more her loved ones try to help (and yes, thats what it would be, gently obv) then the more someone takes note. Sometimes people have to hear things they dont want to. Its not fair on her daughter if her mam ends up disabled cos of her eating habits. Some life for everyone involved. Shes not listening to one person but she might listen to all, itd be done out of love afterall.

You wouldn't be 'pretty much disabled' though, would you!

There are literally millions of Brits cracking on with life every day being 50 pounds overweight.

Is it ideal, no.

Does it mean they're 'destined for a mobility scooter' - also no!

I get your anxiety around her weight. No loving partner would want their love to become disabled if it could be prevented.

But you must deliver any support in the kindest and most supportive way. I was overweight and found that framing the situation as improving my health rather than losing weight felt more constructive / less judgemental.

Then it is something you can do / build together for the long term. Because you want to grow old together and keep creating good memories.

If you have the budget for it, I would recommend you both do the Zoe app. Following some tests at home, each ingredient / meal is given a score. I thought I ate quite well already, but my diet improved a lot and it gave me back just enough energy to be motivated to restart exercising. The other advantage it is enables you to both share meal planning and prep.

If she doesn’t lose much weight on Zoe, when she then tries WLI, she will know exactly what foods to prioritize for good health. You have to eat the most nutritous food you can manage on WLI, or you can end up really unwell.

Years ago my husband developed moobs and knowing how his dad developed diabetes and life long health issues from being so obese I stopped cooking fry ups and buying biscuits etc. until his weight was normal again.

If it was the other way round I’d expect him to do the same.

OP get involved with shopping and cooking, you’re right it’s less tempting if you don’t buy crap in the first place. It’s also important to feel satiated at mealtimes to avoid needing snacks etc. so ‘dieting’ isn’t necessarily the answer, more a healthier diet is needed.

😂