AIBU to try to help my wife lose weight? Somehow.

[HelpMeHelpMyWife]

I'm male, stepping into the lions den.

My wife (51yo) is obese. There have been a few times over the years when I've suggested that she's destined for a mobility scooter or worse and offered her a few tips of how I managed to get rid of 3 stone and generally vastly improve my health. Needless to say it went down very badly indeed and I don't really dare mention it again. (Although I feel it's my duty to. A duty I am now shirking.) I've talked to her mother a couple of times and her mother said she's talked to her but clearly that has not helped either.

Lately she's had bad hip, knee and back pain, so my fear that she's actually damaging herself now. I know from my own experience that with 3 stone less everything became easier.

She does Weight Watchers meetings but that clearly has zero effect.

So what do I do? Mentioning it to her is out but something's got to change or she's essentially going to be handicapped. (In fact I'd argue she already is, she couldn't climb over a fence, for instance.)

I'm half tempted to say something to our teenage daughter in the hope wife will listen to her but that seems a massive thing to put on her. (Perhaps not as massive as a mother on a mobility scooter, or ill.)

On personal note I find the whole thing intensely frustrating. Shouldn't Weightwatchers be pointing out the health risks of being over weight? Or her doctor? When I started getting knee pain and a few other medical early warning signs it was blatantly obvious that losing weight and getting fit was the obvious first step and ten years on the benefits have been obvious. It's not rocket science. (Sorry about the last paragraph, I needed to get that out.)

WTF do I do? Or do I just accept it and try to forget about it?

YABU - "Mind your own business and let her make her own mistakes."

YANBU - "Do something to help which I've suggested in a reply."

What is going on in her life? How much stress, sadness or frustration is she dealing with?
What is your relationship like with her?
work on this first.
Then work on having a more active life. More walks, maybe some swimming together. Out on weekends.
Men often find it easier to control their weight because they have the mental space to do it. Women are often overwhelmed.

I admit I haven’t RTFT but my honest advice is leave. She is not likely to change and you risk becoming her carer sooner than later.

I’m speaking from experience, this happened to my parents: very active, fit mother and a father who would just sit all day and eat. He can hardly walk now and my mother has to plan her whole life around his needs. Just leave and don’t look back, it’s not worth it.

I've never given any medical research but I've certainly mentioned how insane it is to have treats as an every day thing for kids. They get chocolate simply for getting home from school. It's just crazy and a terrible example.

Luckily the kids are both very active and there's not a scrap of flab on them, but a daily habitual treat seems like a terrible idea to me.

Anyway, I've brought it up a couple of times and got a hard no. I don't think I reasonably can again.

I can imagine how worried you are, OP

I used to know a married couple with a similar dynamic - the wife would let the husband play around with the kids at the park whilst she sat in the car or on a chair next to the car. As she got older she would get him to do lots of stuff around the house so that she didn’t have to get up from her armchair (even things like switching on the light, closing the curtains)

One day she fell over but was too obese to get up and had to wait eight hours for Paramedics. She then spent a couple of years bed bound and died of obese related issues.

All sounds harsh but I’m being realistic about what the dangers are and imagining the sort of worries the OP has. The saddest thing of all is that only SHE can make the changes (as with drug addicts, alcoholics, smokers, etc)

Bag it all up and dump it in the bin. Put your foot down and say ‘this is a no junk food house from this point on’, we’re going healthy, together, as a family!’.

@HelpMeHelpMyWife can you answer the question re her dress size?

Personally, I don't think there's anything wrong with expressing your concerns about her health.

My DH will say something if he thinks I'm getting to engrossed in the news and it is impacting my MH or if he thinks I'm starting to drink a bit too much wine. I have also suggested he eat less processed meat and swapped out a sugary cereal breakfast for something more nutritious.

In all of those examples we each took it onboard and adjusted. It was understood that the other person was coming from a place of caring and concern. He also carries his fair share of the practical and mental load.

We do have a very good, mutually supportive and close relationship. I can see how it could feel like criticism if delivered incorrectly or against a different relational backdrop.

This is so typical. Potential solution not easy so you back out and won’t even consider talking to her about it? Just “oh she won’t do it”

I agree there may be an emotional basis to the eating - therapy would be the best route. Stop giving money to the WW charlatans.

The criteria for a NHS WLI prescription are tight. You need a BMI of 40 and at least 4 weight related conditions, so a person can be several stone into obesity and suffering significant health problems without being eligible. There is of course private prescription, that's what I do as a person who didn't qualify for the NHS, but I don't know if a GP would bring it up.

I also think weight loss jabs @HelpMeHelpMyWife .

Exercise is not very effective for losing weight, it can make you feel stronger and enhance willpower, but does very little in terms of weight. Eating is the thing.

I suppose if you go for a walk every time you feel hungry, or want a snack, that would show results.

Does your wife work during the week?

I think realistically the only thing you can say to her is ‘I’m worried about this new back pain/ knee pain. Maybe you need to have a doctor look at it’ then the doc will inevitably mention her weight
km not huge but I had started to put on loads of weight quickly due to depression, my husband braved telling me but he did it in a way of what’s wrong am I doing ok? And how can he help. I was cross and embarrassed but ultimately it was what I needed to sort myself out and now I’m heading in the right direction.

Is she happy? Do you show her kindness and positive attention? Does she actually want to do all the shopping and cooking? Does she have sufficient time to spend on looking after herself? Is she stressed?

All these questions are more important than whether or not you should tell her to lose weight. Her attendance at WW already indicates she would like to lose weight.

In my relatives case, they built a barrier that the mere suggestion of making a plan or anything related to movement or food became immediate shut down. Anyone that shuts down any mention of an issue is in flight mode.

Yup, that's exactly where we are.

I'd love it if the medical profession were helping out. She has a lot of contact with doctors so maybe they are helping her take some steps.

And yes, your relative is exactly where I fear this is going and I'm convinced it's totally preventable.

That's actually very encouraging, because she's seeing docs about the new pain.

If you're right and it will inevitably be mentioned then maybe this will be her lightbulb moment.

Actually as she’s at weight watchers, it could be as simple, as saying you’re doing fab, why not make it easier and try those weight loss injections, happy to support.

Now that is a bloody genius idea. Make the whole thing positive.

"You’re doing fab, why not make it easier and try those weight loss injections, you never know it might even help with the joint pain you've been experiencing recently.".

You win the Internet today, I think that's the answer. Might not work, but it's practical and perhaps the least offensive way to bring it up. I probably do owe her a third attempt.

I second that. I lost some weight with WeightWatchers six years ago, but then lost interest and put the weight back on again. Last year I was diagnosed with metabolic liver disease, so knew I desperately needed to lose weight. Have lost over three stone, but still have just under three more stone to go. A major health scare definitely spurred me on. That, and a photo DIL took of me and DS. She wanted to capture the two of us together and I soon realised I was huge!

Exercise is not very effective for losing weight, it can make you feel stronger and enhance willpower, but does very little in terms of weight. Eating is the thing.
I suppose if you go for a walk every time you feel hungry, or want a snack, that would show results.

As an aside yeah, that was the lesson I learned early in. It takes me 30 minutes running to burn off under 400cals. I can eat 400 cals in three mouthfuls.

On top of that if you're trying to be calorie deficient then you actually need to consume extra calories to do the exercise.

For me the main benefit of running from a weight loss POV was that I didn't eat during the run itself and I completely lost interest in snacking for a couple of hours after the run. (there are other advantages obvs).

'simply' are you for real?!
Maybe you should stop with the nasty comments and bragging about how easy your weight loss was, and start doing something positive. Maybe you could cook some healthy meals, go on romantic walks together. You need to be motivational and encouraging.

Maybe change the framing. Make it about a healthier lifestyle for you both as you age, and to instil good habits in your DC, rather than weight loss.

This is a good time of year to start (Spring/Summer). Could be your reason to broach it: clocks just gone forward. As you’ve already said, evening and/or Sunday walks are a v good suggestion. Great for mental health as well as physical. Getting out in nature and watching the seasonal changes. Maybe pick set days, e.g. Tues, Thurs, Sun and walk somewhere nice from your home (or by bus/train on Sun) rather than drive to a beauty spot, so she can’t opt to sit in the car. The kids would benefit. They could take bikes or scooters. My DC used to love long bike rides while we walked. Take a picnic/healthy snacks.

I’ve found swimming v good once over 50. Water supports joints, you use lots of different muscles and burn more calories. I treat myself to a sauna and steam afterwards, which is great for skin and hair, then a salad lunch in the leisure centre. Not too expensive with a council leisure card. The best way to build up is sets of 4 or 6 lengths at a time, with a few mins rest (and water) at end of pool in between. Start with only two sets, then add more once it gets easier. I got up to 50 lengths in sets of 6 in space of a year.

As for healthy eating, I do think you should say something if she’s teaching the DC that crisps and confectionary are ‘treats’. It instils v bad habits. Nothing wrong with eating crap now and again, but should be recognised as crap, not a ‘treat’. Could you suggest cutting these things from shopping list for the kids’ health and instead give them peeled/chopped up fruit in a bowl as a snack: freshly picked strawberries and raspberries grown in garden, apple with a little lemon juice, grapes, pineapple, mango.

Also switch out all ultra-processed food for whole food. Plus drink green tea for gut health.

And how about you insist on cooking on certain set days and make tasty salads with lots of ingredients (celery, radish, apple, beetroot, olives) and seeds/nuts and a home-made low-cal dressing, perhaps with baked or pan-fried fillet of fish (mackerel, salmon, sea bass etc).

Agree with PP that your tone isn’t great. You sound exasperated rather than kind. It’s odd to talk about not wanting to be your DP’s career, esp when she already sounds like yours (if she does all the shopping/cooking). Suggest you don’t compare your own weight loss and running to your DP’s. She’s dealing with the menopause (which you should read up on) and her body is physiologically and hormonally v different to yours. And v likely she carries more mental load (which is exhausting, especially over years).

Good luck 🍀

I've just had a look at the WW website and it's got pictures of women eating cookies and talk of there being 'no good and bad foods'. And frankly I think that's unhelpful.
OP, I mentioned this upthread, but before considering WLI, which will be very costly and might prove very hard to stop, you could both read the books by the dietician Mindy Pelz which explain weight gain, weight loss, breaking sugar addiction (which sounds like the real issue here), the menopause's impact on metabolism and age-focused eating from a female perspective. You can get them from Amazon or from a library. She has helped a lot of women. Sometimes a book can be more beneficial than constant 'encouragement' from family members.

Nowhere near as many as there are now!

A braver man than me might do that and it might work, but you need to think of me more as John Le Mesurier in Dad's Army. I don't have it in me to lay down the law and I have zero chance of winning that battle.

Half the population smoked, which is important as nicotine is an appetite suppressant. That and central heating.

There are other factors too, but I think it's often missed that there are lots of people who are the first of their genetic line not to be either half starved or smoking. The conditions allowing a person who's more predisposed than average to become obese have only arisen quite recently. And the average human is quite prone, really. Most adults in the UK are overweight or obese, and any society that's affluent enough to feed the population but doesn't have widespread smoking invariably ends up going the same way.

Very offensive and distasteful comment. Suggest you delete.