Page 12 | AIBU to try to help my wife lose weight? Somehow.

Mintchocs · 30/03/2026 07:26

Ved · 29/03/2026 22:05

Good luck on here! 🍿You have posted this thread twice now, on 2 separate pages. Why?

www.mumsnet.com/talk/calorie_counting/5510166-help-me-help-my-wife

Edited

Hes obviously concerned and worried enough to post a couple of times. Being in his wifes age bracket and being obese places her at risk of a lot of very serious health conditions including an increased risk of cancer, shorter life span, much lower quality of life (eg the joint pain she is experiencing which will get worse, lack of mobility etc). Of course he wants to intervene.

OP Ive no idea how you could tackle this, honestly, its no way for her to live but she has to be the one to take control of it. I appreciate how frustrating it is not to be able to help.

NotEzriDax · 30/03/2026 07:30

Americasfavouritefightingfrenchman · 29/03/2026 22:35

I’m in same position. What my husband could do to help is to take over a load of the kids activity stuff that I’m constantly keeping track of and playing chauffeur for so I have a bit more time/energy. A lot of my overeating stems from stress and exhaustion (menopause not helping!)

You kind of have to be a bit self centred on a successful diet (not in a bad way but I just mean you can’t constantly be considering what everyone else wants & need to just focus on you) & I’m finding it incredibly hard to be that at this life stage as everyone including my husband has almost constant demands on my time and energy. I realise it’s my responsibility to say no but if your wife feels the same then not making those demands yourself and picking up some of them from other family members would help.

The very honest truth is that unless someone asks for help, they don't want it

True ... but you could set an example. Are you fit and mobile yourself OP? Do you do the shopping and cooking? I am in a similar situation. I do the Parkrun, shopping and cooking and more. I am on the slimming world diet myself hoping that the I can influence DW indirectly to improve her diet and improve my health and mobility at the same time. Good luck!

Flowersforyourchocolateprettyplease · 30/03/2026 07:30

TY78910 · 29/03/2026 22:09

I mean pointing out she will need a mobility scooter probably didn’t help…

Sorry, wrong qoute.

Pineapplewhip · 30/03/2026 07:32

How big is big? Is she a size 16 in which case YABU, or is she a size 26?

I think you need to awnser this as the way you're going on its like shes a 26 - which is incredibly obese and dangerous to health. HOWEVER I need to check you're not simply a dick who's lost weight and now is getting angry at her for not doing the same because you found it "so easy". Some guys do really think a size 16 is a massive fat bus of a human.

Flowersforyourchocolateprettyplease · 30/03/2026 07:33

IsItSummerSoon · 29/03/2026 22:09

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. But sadly I also don’t think you can change other people.

Agree with this. Good luck still. We always want the best for those we love.

TheHungryHungryLandsharks · 30/03/2026 07:34

Laurmolonlabe · 30/03/2026 07:15

Everyone GP Weight watchers etc will be telling her she desperately needs to lose weight- but it's not translating into action. She should go to her GP and ask for one of the new injections, as will power and encouragement are obviously not going to get her 3 stones lighter.

The injections also require will power to maintain once you stop taking them. And quite frankly, if OPs wife is half as bad as he says, she’ll put the weight back on in a few months. That’s what happened to several people I know who took them as it requires no actual effort or change in your diet.

Plus all the other nasty side effects like hair loss or my personal favourite…acute kidney failure in someone who’s kidney function prior to taking them was good. Healthy eating and exercise is the safer and longer term bet.

No point being skinny if you still can’t walk 50meters without getting out of breath.

localnotail · 30/03/2026 07:37

Hi OP, I totally get your frustration but I'm afraid there is very little you can do. I assume your wife did not get obese overnight, she must have been overweight and overeating for a long period of time. You can get her to do something about her weight by nagging and having a go at her - and especially, please dont involve your daughter in this.

As others said on here, there must be an underlying issue for her condition. For some reason, she doesn't feel like she wants to lose weight, or that she can do it. All you can do to help her is to positively encourage her, support her and be understanding and kind. Its a lot to ask and it would not be an easy process.

Out of interest - why not try weight loss injections?

Autumn38 · 30/03/2026 07:37

OP I don’t think you are wrong to be frustrated. I think I would be too. However, she already knows how unhealthy it is to be obese, so nothing you say will make a difference I don’t think.

Original poster

HelpMeHelpMyWife · 30/03/2026 07:37

SpidersAreShitheads · 30/03/2026 04:19

The problem here OP is that you don’t want to tell us how much weight your wife needs to lose.

You’ve waved that question off as irrelevant but it is extremely relevant. How overweight she is dictates how easy it will be to lose and the best way to start.

Also, your wife is 51 - unless I’ve missed it I’ve not seen you reference the menopause yet? That back, hip, and knee pain your wife is suffering? It may well be partly her weight but there’s also a very good chance it’s hormonal.

Lots of us get aches and pains around the age of 50. We get tired, mentally and physically. It becomes MUCH harder to lose weight. Simple during and exercise often doesn’t work the way it used to - and that carries a lot of frustration. And shame.

Following the same habits as you might not be the magic formula for your wife. I’m not seeing you recognising that in your comments. We are not just small versions of men - our hormone profile and musculature is very different.

Of course that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try, but I think it would be helpful for you to understand it might be harder for her than it was for you. The fact she goes to WW suggests she’s trying to- I wonder if the fact you managed to shed the weight and she’s not been able to is a point of frustration/shame for her?

The conversation about mobility scooters seems a bit extreme. And your comments about not being trapped with someone who needs them don’t sound very loving tbh.

On a practical note, it may be that your wife needs to try a different approach. Keto was brilliant for me as it retrains the body to burn fat. Weight loss injections work for others. The problem is that this has become a sore point for your wife so it’s difficult to mention. I would wager that the slightly judgemental tone that comes through your posts is evident in real life, even if you think you’re hiding it.

I know you’ve mentioned about junk snacks in the house - is that the issue rather than bad meals? If meals are the problem can you start requesting a specific, healthy meal (as you say she’s the one who cooks)? Can you join the gym together? Weight bearing exercises will protect her bones. And I would try and raise the subject with her in a way that seems sympathetic, along the lines of “I know you’ve been going to WW but if you ever wanted to try the WLI to make the process easier, there’s plenty of room in our budget. I don’t want to see you having to work really hard if there’s an easier solution for you”.

Ultimately though she needs to want to lose the weight. And she’ll have a better chance of success if she doesn’t feel judged or shamed.

I have no way to know how much she needs to lose. I don't know what she weighs and I don't know exactly how tall she is.

Yes, we get aches and pains as we get older - and the best way to mitigate that is to take some of the load off them.

Are junk snacks the issue? I've always assumed so because he meals seem pretty reasonable to me, portion size and also swapping carbs out. The problem seems to me to be that having a small dinner she'll reward herself with chocolate. So basically I have no idea where the calories are coming from but if there was no chocolate or crisps in the house we could be sure they weren't coming from chocolate or crisps.

Gym seems to suffer the same issue that me suggesting any change involves - it's me offering my opinion on what she should do and that is exactly what hasn't been welcome in the past. But yes some shared activity with movement would be a very good thing. As it happens there are some shared family activities but they typically involve me and the kids doing the activity while she watches/waits with coffee and cake.

Lots of suggestions in the thread that involve me taking control of her calorie intake or shared activity and that's really why I posted here to get some tips of how to communicate that in a way she would cooperate with. The obvious one is to make it about me, but I've already been doing that for years, because I also need to get a grip on my calorie intake.

OP posts:

localnotail · 30/03/2026 07:39

As for shared activity - even going on a long walk every day would have a massive benefit for her. Make it time for the two of you, talk, and enjoy each other company.

Laurmolonlabe · 30/03/2026 07:40

It's the husband's concerns which made this post- medically 3 stones overweight can be tolerated without any or much permanent harm- so yes the lack of motivation means it will have to be paid for, but if the husband is so concerned that shouldn't be a problem.

pepperminticecream · 30/03/2026 07:41

Can you give her some research on why sugar and processed foods are bad for the children and tell her you’d like to limit them to special days out and not keep these things in the house? Maybe framing it as helping the children be healthier could keep things to a minimum.

Iamnotalemming · 30/03/2026 07:42

I vote for not saying anything but actually doing something.

Do an online shop and meal plan together at the weekends. Say you are cooking a couple of nights a week and make somethimg delicious and healthy.

Invite her out for evening walks. Borrow a neighbour's dog that needs walking. Ask your daughter too and it can be a family thing.

Ask yourself objectively if you are doing your fair share of home chores? Feeling worn out by the daily grind is a big factor for women not having the time and energy to exercise. The more tired you are the more likely to snack.

MummyWillow1 · 30/03/2026 07:49

Ved · 29/03/2026 22:05

Good luck on here! 🍿You have posted this thread twice now, on 2 separate pages. Why?

www.mumsnet.com/talk/calorie_counting/5510166-help-me-help-my-wife

Edited

This is so weird. Why do people feel the need to highlight double posting? Does it matter? How invested are you in other peoples situations to even notice, never mind comment.

Original poster

HelpMeHelpMyWife · 30/03/2026 07:51

Dontlletmedownbruce · 30/03/2026 04:42

I think you need to approach it from the perspective of joint pain. You want to help reduce the pain and along with pain relief or anti inflammatory, a WLI would help ease the strain on the joints. Maybe she will be relieved you suggest it because she might feel ashamed or think it's too costly. Always approach as an offer to help. You also need to share the food planning and prep, set out a 50/50 plan. I don't think there is any point in suggesting an obese person goes to the gym or works out. Walking should be enough until she loses a bit. The issue is food.

This is why I'm here, really. I've brought it up twice before. It's been a couple of years, I'm starting to feel guilty that I should have another go.

Maybe WLI is the way. "You've got all kinds of joint pain, if you think WLI would help we could run to that for a while."

I just don't think that would go down well. (but maybe as you say it would, which is why I'm asking here - to get a female perspective on how to help her fix her skeleton.)

OP posts:

Binus · 30/03/2026 07:54

HelpMeHelpMyWife · 30/03/2026 00:56

I had no idea about weight loss drugs. To be honest they sound worth a punt but I don't think it will go down well as a suggestion from me. It's the sort of thing I'd hope a doctor or WW might mention.

Show quote history

WW being Weight Watchers? If so, that would be like turkeys voting for Christmas! Their whole business model worked for a long time because on a population level, for people who are already obese dieting doesn't work in the long term. People are more likely than not to put the weight back on. They and the likes of Slimming World are now suffering because of WLIs.

Handbaghs · 30/03/2026 07:55

What dress size is she?

Definitely the health angle is the one to take, but ultimately we can't make other people change.

Keepitrealnomists · 30/03/2026 07:56

I have so many questions OP, how old is she? How long have you been married? Has she always struggled with her weight? Do you have DC together?
Ive been where your wife is, my husband didn't care whay size I was as long as i was happy, which I wasn't. He never once mentioned it. WLI has saved my life. As long as your concerns come from love instead of criticism, but ultimately shes the one that needs to want to change.

Original poster

HelpMeHelpMyWife · 30/03/2026 07:59

Downtoncrabbey · 30/03/2026 05:18

I think you need to first understand her better. She is likely emotional eating. These people cannot just ‘stop’ based on the logic it’s bad for their health. They know that already but they still cannot stop because they need food to drown out extremely unpleasant and scary emotions. This could be due to childhood trauma they have repressed.

On top of all then it becomes a vicious cycle, they are absolutely full of self loathing and judgement about themselves already and why they cannot stop and why they are so fat. They become completely depressed and demotivated.

Judging themselves more and especially perceiving judgement from their husband (I’m sure she knows you’re secretly judging her all the time) doesn’t help, it actually feeds the addiction. They judge themselves, they hate themselves, they then feel the need to eat to combat those emotions. Then they hate themselves even more.

So you thinking judgemental thoughts like ‘why doesn’t she JUST shop healthier’, why doesn’t she just go for a run, are not helpful. For you it is black and white and based on logic. For her it is all emotional. You also seem to think ‘if I can do it, she can do it’ but that is not true. She is obviously dealing with things you are not.

She is unlikely to respond to scaring her about her health. Just like a smoker or an alcoholic. Nagging from you, her mum or daughter will make things worse.

The only thing you could try is getting her into therapy. Approach it more from a ‘I’m worried you’re unhappy emotionally, would you benefit talking to someone’, as this is the root of it all. But you have to say it non judgementally and really genuinely care about her feelings. And even then she will probably initially deny it and get defensive as it’s a sensitive topic.

If this is all true, and maybe it is, I think she's never going to sort it. For me weight less was difficult but technically simple. Measure calories in and out, get used to being hungry. The trigger was a simple realisation that I was heading towards bad health.

If losing weight for DW is some massive complicated holistic approach starting with therapy I don't see how she's ever going to get there.

OP posts:

Trepidfox · 30/03/2026 08:00

I feel for you OP. A relative of mine could be your wife a few years down the line, just had major joint op and has another 2 scheduled. She suffers with a lot of pain so now movement is a real issue. Having excess weight is complex. Could be preexisting condition, trauma, addiction, low self esteem and more frustratingly the shit they put in food that is literally engineered to make it addictive. In my relatives case, they built a barrier that the mere suggestion of making a plan or anything related to movement or food became immediate shut down. Anyone that shuts down any mention of an issue is in flight mode. My relative is taking steps towards her health now but with the pain levels and loss of some mobility it's a much tougher road ahead.

Telling someone they're going to die early/be disabled is something she lives with already, that's why she shutting it down, fear. Your wife is scared, she needs to talk to a non family member healthcare professional who can find out how she is struggling and what would be her best route to taking control of her health, without judgement and with actual positivity that she can take control. Take some bloods and rule out any underlying conditions, see exactly where she's at healthwise right now. Has she had the over 40s health check avaliable via the NHS yet? Does she have a relationship with her GP? These are the routes I would suggest or maybe some private counseling to start with?

Once she has spoken to someone (whether that's her doctor and/or a mental health profession) she may be able to see a way out and start to feel more comfortable sharing her feelings/fears and not shutting down.

SussexLass87 · 30/03/2026 08:01

HelpMeHelpMyWife · 29/03/2026 22:01

I'm male, stepping into the lions den.

My wife (51yo) is obese. There have been a few times over the years when I've suggested that she's destined for a mobility scooter or worse and offered her a few tips of how I managed to get rid of 3 stone and generally vastly improve my health. Needless to say it went down very badly indeed and I don't really dare mention it again. (Although I feel it's my duty to. A duty I am now shirking.) I've talked to her mother a couple of times and her mother said she's talked to her but clearly that has not helped either.

Lately she's had bad hip, knee and back pain, so my fear that she's actually damaging herself now. I know from my own experience that with 3 stone less everything became easier.

She does Weight Watchers meetings but that clearly has zero effect.

So what do I do? Mentioning it to her is out but something's got to change or she's essentially going to be handicapped. (In fact I'd argue she already is, she couldn't climb over a fence, for instance.)

I'm half tempted to say something to our teenage daughter in the hope wife will listen to her but that seems a massive thing to put on her. (Perhaps not as massive as a mother on a mobility scooter, or ill.)

On personal note I find the whole thing intensely frustrating. Shouldn't Weightwatchers be pointing out the health risks of being over weight? Or her doctor? When I started getting knee pain and a few other medical early warning signs it was blatantly obvious that losing weight and getting fit was the obvious first step and ten years on the benefits have been obvious. It's not rocket science. (Sorry about the last paragraph, I needed to get that out.)

WTF do I do? Or do I just accept it and try to forget about it?

YABU - "Mind your own business and let her make her own mistakes."

YANBU - "Do something to help which I've suggested in a reply."

"Handicapped"...FFS. Don't use that word.

Dymaxion · 30/03/2026 08:03

@HelpMeHelpMyWife I am curious as to why she needs to be able to climb a fence ? Are you expecting a gate shortage along with a fuel shortage ?

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 30/03/2026 08:05

Keepitrealnomists · 30/03/2026 07:56

I have so many questions OP, how old is she? How long have you been married? Has she always struggled with her weight? Do you have DC together?
Ive been where your wife is, my husband didn't care whay size I was as long as i was happy, which I wasn't. He never once mentioned it. WLI has saved my life. As long as your concerns come from love instead of criticism, but ultimately shes the one that needs to want to change.

At least 2 of your 4 questions were answered in the OP's first post.

Notsosweetcaroline · 30/03/2026 08:06

It’s interesting as I’ve seen this posted when a woman posts about a man being over weight, and how she’s worried about his health and doesn’t want sex with him and the answers are all tell him straight.

in this instance, the ops wife is suffering health consequences, and if he no longer finds her physically attractive, that’s ok too, although thays not his reason.

op, don’t involve your child, but you should address it, tell her you’re worried about her as you want her to be around for as long as possible, and if she fancied trying weight loss injections you’d support. And leave it there.

Gardenquestion22 · 30/03/2026 08:08

My sister hit 55 and lost 9 stone in 2 years and has kept it off for years. She’d been very overweight for years and it just hit her one day that she needed to do something. She started walking and counting calories. She hillwalks every weekend now. It’s possible, but she has to do it.