AIBU to try to help my wife lose weight? Somehow.

[HelpMeHelpMyWife]

I'm male, stepping into the lions den.

My wife (51yo) is obese. There have been a few times over the years when I've suggested that she's destined for a mobility scooter or worse and offered her a few tips of how I managed to get rid of 3 stone and generally vastly improve my health. Needless to say it went down very badly indeed and I don't really dare mention it again. (Although I feel it's my duty to. A duty I am now shirking.) I've talked to her mother a couple of times and her mother said she's talked to her but clearly that has not helped either.

Lately she's had bad hip, knee and back pain, so my fear that she's actually damaging herself now. I know from my own experience that with 3 stone less everything became easier.

She does Weight Watchers meetings but that clearly has zero effect.

So what do I do? Mentioning it to her is out but something's got to change or she's essentially going to be handicapped. (In fact I'd argue she already is, she couldn't climb over a fence, for instance.)

I'm half tempted to say something to our teenage daughter in the hope wife will listen to her but that seems a massive thing to put on her. (Perhaps not as massive as a mother on a mobility scooter, or ill.)

On personal note I find the whole thing intensely frustrating. Shouldn't Weightwatchers be pointing out the health risks of being over weight? Or her doctor? When I started getting knee pain and a few other medical early warning signs it was blatantly obvious that losing weight and getting fit was the obvious first step and ten years on the benefits have been obvious. It's not rocket science. (Sorry about the last paragraph, I needed to get that out.)

WTF do I do? Or do I just accept it and try to forget about it?

YABU - "Mind your own business and let her make her own mistakes."

YANBU - "Do something to help which I've suggested in a reply."

Till she is ready to lose weight she won’t

I was obese - I knew I was over weight but didn’t reliese how much till I look back at photos now and think jeez I was a fat fuck

I only lost weight as having hip issues an doc told me politely to lose weight as that was the only thing that would help

sounds similar to your wife - pain. hips. Knee. Ankle

weight crept on with me. IVF. Contentment then comfort eating as deep down wasn’t happy in my marriage due to dh but I didnt releise it then

I went home. Cried and thought fuck you etx and was going to grab a chocolate bar

2w before that I had kicked dh out for drinking and tbh something clicked and knew I had to be healthier for my daughter 6 as only me to be there for her

and then I set my mind too it

previously dh had said I was fat /lose weight but then let’s have a Chinese and tbh I was happy the weight i was and he said he loved me for me

now obv I wasn’t happy looking back

so be supportive @HelpMeHelpMyWife but till she wants to lose weight and sounds like doing it half hearted if going /paying to ww but isn’t losing weight

help her by cooking healthier meals - to go for a walk now getting warmer etc

don’t involve daughter

I think you need to approach it from the perspective of joint pain. You want to help reduce the pain and along with pain relief or anti inflammatory, a WLI would help ease the strain on the joints. Maybe she will be relieved you suggest it because she might feel ashamed or think it's too costly. Always approach as an offer to help. You also need to share the food planning and prep, set out a 50/50 plan. I don't think there is any point in suggesting an obese person goes to the gym or works out. Walking should be enough until she loses a bit. The issue is food.

I looked at weight loss injections, discussed them with my consultant and we decided between us that I'm better trying naturally. There are lots of side effects to WLI. It was the possibile hair loss and bobble head look than swung it for me. You are more likely to end up with loose skin. At the moment, it's half of all users who put the weight back on and more, when they come off them. They cut appetite. If you don't make the food you do eat as nutritional as possible, you can become malnourished. They aren't a easy fix, although they are loved on here.
Does she talk about the pain that she is in? That's the time to talk about weight loss. I was in the same situation. It doesn't take a lot of weight loss for the knee pain to stop. It was the holiday/city break situation that spurred me on. I don't like SW/WW, they demonise bananas, but tell you to have a mini mars bar. I liked Michael Mosley's stuff. But she needs to want to do this. When are you due a next big shop? Perhaps say to her to meal plan together and cut out sugar. She needs low impact exercise, or weights. I wish my DP would offer to go to the gym with me, they can be intimidating. Ultimately I now see food for nourishment. My hair, skin and nails, as well as my energy levels, are back to pre menopause condition.

It helps to quote a message if you're replying to something specific. Otherwise it just looks like a plug for reform, and who wants that?

I think you need to first understand her better. She is likely emotional eating. These people cannot just ‘stop’ based on the logic it’s bad for their health. They know that already but they still cannot stop because they need food to drown out extremely unpleasant and scary emotions. This could be due to childhood trauma they have repressed.

On top of all then it becomes a vicious cycle, they are absolutely full of self loathing and judgement about themselves already and why they cannot stop and why they are so fat. They become completely depressed and demotivated.

Judging themselves more and especially perceiving judgement from their husband (I’m sure she knows you’re secretly judging her all the time) doesn’t help, it actually feeds the addiction. They judge themselves, they hate themselves, they then feel the need to eat to combat those emotions. Then they hate themselves even more.

So you thinking judgemental thoughts like ‘why doesn’t she JUST shop healthier’, why doesn’t she just go for a run, are not helpful. For you it is black and white and based on logic. For her it is all emotional. You also seem to think ‘if I can do it, she can do it’ but that is not true. She is obviously dealing with things you are not.

She is unlikely to respond to scaring her about her health. Just like a smoker or an alcoholic. Nagging from you, her mum or daughter will make things worse.

The only thing you could try is getting her into therapy. Approach it more from a ‘I’m worried you’re unhappy emotionally, would you benefit talking to someone’, as this is the root of it all. But you have to say it non judgementally and really genuinely care about her feelings. And even then she will probably initially deny it and get defensive as it’s a sensitive topic.

Buy those injections for her

WeightWatchers works if you continue to eat sensibly once you have reached your goal weight. If you go back to your original eating patterns, then obviously the weight will go back on again. My friend has kept the weight off for six years (she still uses the app for support). I have lost over three stone by using the WeightWatchers app, with still more to go. I need to keep it off as I have been diagnosed with metabolic liver disease, so cannot afford for it to go back on again.

Who is cooking and food shopping? Take over the cooking and shopping. If it’s not in the house then she can’t eat it in the house. I mean she might order takeout but that has a much higher cost.

Im on weight loss injections and my reduction in snacking is also having a positive effect on husband because I’m not buying crap sugar filled snacks.

My DP has talked to me about my weight
But only from the ' I can see you aren't happy about this, you don't seem your usual self, what support do you need from me, how can we change this?

And then - he listened.

Changes were made - he altered his schedule so that I had a few nights blocked off a week where I could go out and do hobbies (not just exercise) but socialise and things for me to de-stress, including some time to get counseling for some issues that I was struggling with.
DP was always good with his share of housework/cooking, its not formally divided up but we end up doing about 50/50 across the month, but we did discuss how to improve the distribution of tasks during my heavy work weeks, and he made changes to his shopping and cooking habits that supported my diet
We ended up discussing portion control and treats, and made changes together. We also ended up changing some of the ' collapse in front of the TV' attitude and put a bit more effort into spending time together and having a relationship, and being more present for each other and the children

Obviously I had to do the diet and exercise habits for myself but it was much easier with genuine support and help with my stressors, and really motivating for everything in life that I had a partner who genuinely had my back.

What he did not do:
Tell me I was a fat walrus eating myself into an early grave
Recruit my children to shame me by saying they would be too embarrassed to be seen with me
Moan that I wasn't following his perfect example
Give me a laundry list of changes and solutions without trying to understand what issues I was actually going through
Get stroppy when it wasn't that easy

Another vote for weight-loss injections.

Women very often don't lose weight as easily as men so YABU for comparing your weight loss and expecting it to be the same journey for her to lose weight.

I think your approach to your concerns come across a little accusatory. If I were your wife I'd feel shamed for being overweight. I'm sure she knows she is and doesn't need you pointing it out in blatant ways like telling her she'll need a mobility scooter. If I were you I'd take a more supportive approach and talk to her about it. Gauge how she feels about her weight and if she would like to lose weight and improve her health come up with a plan together to make it happen that feels manageable for her and you. Support her with making healthy meals, moving more etc.

It is really hard to get partner to lose weight it has to come from them. And I’m not a person who bribes you can’t say anything or point it out. I do and expect the same from my DP.

but regardless of what you say you can’t force someone to move. And if you losing weight hasn’t spurred her on then there isn’t much else. I suggested MJ which didnt go well but 6 months later he’s a bit more open to it.

can you take over doing the cooking and start organising family walks and more active date nights? Get her a bunch of private or small session Pilates classes to build up her confidence?

I love this. Your relationship sounds like a lovely partnership.

My advice has already been mentioned. To summarise:

1. Treat her like a princess.
2. Shop and cook. Clear up after!
3. Don't be an arse about it, cook delicious meals with calories. Just not junk. She almost certainly needs more protein than she's getting..
4. Ensure you talk more about general stuff besides kids/tasks/bills. In other words, have a relationship.
5. Say you can afford Mounjaro if she feels like trying it.

Good luck to you both - and DD. Model a well-balanced marriage for her.

As someone who has struggled with weight loss for the past 20 years or so, (I am approaching 60) you, nipping her head, won’t make the slightest bit of difference. Your wife needs a wake up call in order for her to take responsibility and change things.

I say this as a previously obese woman….
If she is buying chocolate, crisps and other high fat/sugar items, then probably she is in the cycle of emotional/comfort eating.
However, straight after eating she won’t feel good, but guilty and this leads to pressing the self destruct button as the damage is done so eats even more. It can be a cycle that she just can’t get out of for a whole bunch of reasons.

I imagine she knows deep down that she is overweight, she will feel disgusted with herself, her self esteem will be at an all time low, she will be self conscious.
She will feel absolutely SHIT deep down and her self worth will be in her boots, furthermore, she will probably feel like a failure.
So no, do not nip her head!

I won’t bore you with my details, but I had my wake up call 16 months ago. I had a serious think to myself and I invested in my first WLI pen and it has been life changing. I am 5 stone lighter and have 1 more stone to lose.

Discussion about WLI on the AIBU thread can often turn into a riot. I would encourage you to go to the WLI page to get an understanding of why people overeat.
People don’t over eat because they want to be fat, unfit, unattractive, unable to climb a fence, unable to wear nice clothes, have joint pain and swollen ankles and generally feel shit about themselves.
There may be an underlying reason that your wife has no control over, ie. A chemical imbalance .

There is only one person that can help your wife, and that’s herself. Until she realises this, nothing will change. All you can do, is look after your own health and well being and be a good example to your daughter.

My DH is ten years older than me and unlike a lot of people on this thread, I have no tact. I have told him that I worry that if he doesn’t look after himself I will end up as a carer and that’s not what I want to be. I will 100% be there if it’s genuine but not if it’s because he doesn’t exercise and at 80 struggles to walk whilst I’m 70 and want to travel.

He has never been obese just cuddly but I have seen enough couples where one is mobile and the other isn’t and that isnt what I want. If it’s through illness or accident it’s different.

Peoples choices have an impact on others.

To start with, I would evaluate your free time and contribution to the house. Why don’t you and dd cook a few nights a week? Make extra portions as well.

I would wait until your daughter is out and gently talk to her and say you are concerned about her health and that the pain will increase as she ages and mobility will get worse. Ask if there is anything you can do to support heR and then listen.

Can you be more active as a family, can you try and have more fun away from food and the tv even a board game night and maybe now is a good time to reevaluate Your lifestyle

If your idea of healthy eating is rigid and all-or-nothing, that is ridiculous. I'm assuming you've got a reasonable idea of nutrition and what is/isn't healthy - but if you got it all from extremist websites ('health' or 'bodybuilding') then you need re-educating. If you can't cook, learn.

A very large woman has a higher calorie requirement and a much higher protein requirement than a small one.

There's nothing wrong with snacking. It's helpful to have more nutritious snacks available than Penguins. This doesn't mean no-one can have cake, biscuits, chocolate and crisps. It means having more fruit, veg, rice cakes, peanut butter, high-fibre/high-protein wraps/toast, etc, than pre-packaged calorie bombs.

The Weight Watchers recipes are pretty good, iirc. I don't like any 'counting' diet, but WW does work for those who stick to it. Do you think you could achieve a balance of WW eating with more creative excursions into both snack and meal ideas?

You can buy healthy food options from M&S op. You’re clearly the type of man that likes to snipe from the sidelines and shame but won’t roll your sleeves up and muck in. She’s probably fucking depressed. Thankfully my DH and I share cooking, shopping and cleaning etc.

Walking in the evening helps. You are getting a bit of a hard time here.

can you do more of the shopping and cooking? Buy and cook healthier stuff?

mydh lost weight which spurred me on. I’m still a stone and a bot overweight, he’s better than me at not defaulting to a carbs tea when we are tired,he’ll cook a stirfy or similar. He’s been supportive of me going to the gym. It’s helped.

WW simply doesn't work. She's been going for years and attendance at WW meetings doesn't seem to coincide with any reduction in calorie intake or increase in exercise at all.

I have suggested not getting the needless 'treat' foods in for.exactly the reasons you state - I graze on them too. That's always been a hard no. She regards treats as something the children "need" and puts her foot down. As you say, the fact they're there means grown up then graze.

You can waste a lot of emotional energy wanting someone to lose weight…my friend has attended WW on and off for 35 years and weighs more than ever now! Her weight is causing lots of other serious issues and Doctors and Nurses have warned her of the dangers, suggested diet plans but to no avail 😏

Everyone GP Weight watchers etc will be telling her she desperately needs to lose weight- but it's not translating into action. She should go to her GP and ask for one of the new injections, as will power and encouragement are obviously not going to get her 3 stones lighter.

I thought, if health was starting to be affected, by being obese, that GPs now suggested trying the WLI’s?

If she can’t do it one way, it might work for her to try another.

But, unless she actually wants to lose weight, nothing will work.

Have you considered joining WW with her ?
you can then meal plan together.
I know someone who was totally in denial her weight was causing heath problems, it wasn’t until she was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes she made changes. Like your DW the snacks were needed for the children excuse after excuse for her poor diet lack of exercise.
she’s now lost over 2 st and still going.
It might take a health scare for your DW to change.

@Boomer55 and @Laurmolonlabe NHS GPs have very limited criteria where they can offer WLI. The OPs wife won’t meet those criteria - for Mounjaro you need a BMI over 40 plus at least 4 out of 5 specific serious weight related health conditions. For Wegovy, you need to be referred to the specialist weight loss service, then work through the “tiers” of support, unsuccessfully, then on tier 3 you might be offered Wegovy. But many NHS areas will only offer bariatric surgery at that level, plus it will take many many months to get to that point.

If WLI are a possibility, it will need to be a private prescription rather than anything from the NHS.