AIBU to try to help my wife lose weight? Somehow.

[HelpMeHelpMyWife]

I'm male, stepping into the lions den.

My wife (51yo) is obese. There have been a few times over the years when I've suggested that she's destined for a mobility scooter or worse and offered her a few tips of how I managed to get rid of 3 stone and generally vastly improve my health. Needless to say it went down very badly indeed and I don't really dare mention it again. (Although I feel it's my duty to. A duty I am now shirking.) I've talked to her mother a couple of times and her mother said she's talked to her but clearly that has not helped either.

Lately she's had bad hip, knee and back pain, so my fear that she's actually damaging herself now. I know from my own experience that with 3 stone less everything became easier.

She does Weight Watchers meetings but that clearly has zero effect.

So what do I do? Mentioning it to her is out but something's got to change or she's essentially going to be handicapped. (In fact I'd argue she already is, she couldn't climb over a fence, for instance.)

I'm half tempted to say something to our teenage daughter in the hope wife will listen to her but that seems a massive thing to put on her. (Perhaps not as massive as a mother on a mobility scooter, or ill.)

On personal note I find the whole thing intensely frustrating. Shouldn't Weightwatchers be pointing out the health risks of being over weight? Or her doctor? When I started getting knee pain and a few other medical early warning signs it was blatantly obvious that losing weight and getting fit was the obvious first step and ten years on the benefits have been obvious. It's not rocket science. (Sorry about the last paragraph, I needed to get that out.)

WTF do I do? Or do I just accept it and try to forget about it?

YABU - "Mind your own business and let her make her own mistakes."

YANBU - "Do something to help which I've suggested in a reply."

Yabu.

The very honest truth is that unless someone asks for help, they don't want it. This goes for people with addictions as well as those within other unhealthy situations. If she has asked you, then jump to it and be the best and most supportive partner you can. If she hasn't. Then I'm sorry. With the best will in the world - and I hope it is with the best will - then nothing will change. So if she hasn't asked - YABU. Which is sounds as if it is? And don't drag your kid into it.

Watching closely....

Good luck on here! 🍿You have posted this thread twice now, on 2 separate pages. Why?

www.mumsnet.com/talk/calorie_counting/5510166-help-me-help-my-wife

If you pointing out that she is overweight was going to make a difference, it would have worked already.

I know you're frustrated but It's also not as simple as saying "eat less move more". Some people are genetically predisposed to want to eat a shitload and/ or to weigh more and and it's really difficult to override that. There are hundreds of threads on here of women basically starving themselves and still not really losing weight.

Having said that: Is this a recent weight gain?

What do you think is behind it?

Have you asked how she is, how you can support her, generally not about her weight? I'd she happy and fulfilled?

Do you shop and cook or does she?

If people want help from someone, they ask.

YANBU to realise that she is damaging her health and hope she will do something about it.

Y might BU to think you can influence her to take action. Much like with addictions to alcohol, gambling or substances, people generally can’t and don’t change unhealthy habits until they decide to do it themselves. Additionally, it sounds as though the approaches you’ve tried in the past might not have been very subtle or kind.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. But sadly I also don’t think you can change other people.

I mean pointing out she will need a mobility scooter probably didn’t help…

@Ved the first post had no information on it?? Maybe that's why he's posted again??

You can only lead the horse to water, you can’t make it drink.
Do NOT bring your teenage daughter into this. Speak about your own improving health in general terms by no means, but tread very carefully. And you’re right to expect trouble posting on Mumsnet with a penis.

Please don’t say something to your teenage daughter.

She knows she’s overweight, so you don’t need to point it out.

Why is she overweight? Is she an emotional eater? Sugar addict? Couch potato?

Who does the cooking? Do you eat the same meals?

It did. The OP deleted it. You can still see it if you click 'edited.' He obviously decided he wanted more traffic, so came over onto AIBU.

Don’t keep talking to her mother about her weight and definitely don’t talk to your teenage daughter about it either. No good will come of either of those ideas.

It’s a lot easier, for various reasons to do with physiology, for men to lose weight than women. It is also generally a lot less of a hot topic for men to deal with. Women are constantly judged on their weight and appearance and the commentary around women online often focusses on their weight and looks. It will be bound up in a whole load of things to do with self esteem, self worth, self confidence….

She will know she’s obese. Any doctor she’s seen about joint pain will also have told her that losing weight will help with that. She’s not stupid, she will know it’s not rocket science, but knowing what you need to do and then actually being able to do it are two separate things.

You can help by making it as easy as possible to take healthy actions and to eat a healthy diet, and to be active. Without being weird about it or forcing anything on her.

Because after I hit the button I realized nobody reads the calorie counting forum.

Has she been to the doctor about her pain?
You could encourage her to do this in the hope the Dr gives her a reality check.

You can't change someone who does want to change.

Involving her teenage daughter is completely wrong and unfair on both of them.

The only angle that may be acceptable is telling her you are concerned, worroed that she'll struggled in later live or that you may lose her prematurely and ask how you can support her as you want her around for as long as possible. That said, it's still a risky strategy.

@HelpMeHelpMyWife good for you to be thinking of your wife’s health and wanting to help her. You know from your own experience of losing 3 stone that your overall health has improved. Is your wife seriously obese or just borderline? How dedicated is she in trying to lose the weight apart from WW as in does she do any exercise like walking or swimming and what’s her diet like? Is binge eating part of her day? Sometimes a whole reset is needed with diet, exercise and mindfulness. Throwing out all junk food and sugary stuff is a good start. Plan your grocery shopping with lists, make a meal plan for the week. Suggest going for a walk every evening and add on an extra 10 minutes after a week. All these things will help but your wife has to want to change. Is she depressed and comfort eating?

@Ved thank you!!! When I first saw the post it was blanket, just the name. 🤗

Of course you're not being unreasonable. You're rightly worried about her. Don't drag your daughter into it but I would bring it up with her again. Will it make her lose weight? Probably not. I personally couldn't be attracted to someone fat or obese. So if I was with someone and they went from a healthy weight to obese through overeating I'd say something and if nothing changed possibly leave.

She's not doing herself any favours here.

Stress is a huge factor in weight gain and loss. Do things to remove stress for your DW and make it easier for her to do the things that will help.

Carping at her about her weight is NOT one of the helpful things.

where were all these genetically disposed people in the 60s 70s and 80s?

YANBU at all but it sounds like she doesn't want help and doesn't want to help herself

I've had to be very brutal with myself over the last year and ended up having a sleeve. I had made myself disabled too.

my husband has had to make changes and I'm helping him
and we're doing it together. I told him I was scared to have sex with him one night in add he had a heart attack on top of me, and it seemed to shock him into making an effort.

sadly; without her own lightbulb going off to spur her to want to change, there isn't much you can do. I would keep being honest though about your concerns. She won't see her daughters children if she carries on.

a) It's not that easy at 51 if you're female
b) If it was, she'd be 3 stone lighter
c) She knows she's overweight
d) You're entitled to your view but not to talk, behind her back to all and sundry
e) Unspoken tuts are still audible to the recipiant and not having her back is detrimental
f) Nothing in your post about her state of mind or if she is happy?

I'm pretty expert on this shit and it's really not that easy. My DH can drop weight really easily, the rest of us struggle. I'd shut up, if I was you.