AIBU to try to help my wife lose weight? Somehow.

[HelpMeHelpMyWife]

I'm male, stepping into the lions den.

My wife (51yo) is obese. There have been a few times over the years when I've suggested that she's destined for a mobility scooter or worse and offered her a few tips of how I managed to get rid of 3 stone and generally vastly improve my health. Needless to say it went down very badly indeed and I don't really dare mention it again. (Although I feel it's my duty to. A duty I am now shirking.) I've talked to her mother a couple of times and her mother said she's talked to her but clearly that has not helped either.

Lately she's had bad hip, knee and back pain, so my fear that she's actually damaging herself now. I know from my own experience that with 3 stone less everything became easier.

She does Weight Watchers meetings but that clearly has zero effect.

So what do I do? Mentioning it to her is out but something's got to change or she's essentially going to be handicapped. (In fact I'd argue she already is, she couldn't climb over a fence, for instance.)

I'm half tempted to say something to our teenage daughter in the hope wife will listen to her but that seems a massive thing to put on her. (Perhaps not as massive as a mother on a mobility scooter, or ill.)

On personal note I find the whole thing intensely frustrating. Shouldn't Weightwatchers be pointing out the health risks of being over weight? Or her doctor? When I started getting knee pain and a few other medical early warning signs it was blatantly obvious that losing weight and getting fit was the obvious first step and ten years on the benefits have been obvious. It's not rocket science. (Sorry about the last paragraph, I needed to get that out.)

WTF do I do? Or do I just accept it and try to forget about it?

YABU - "Mind your own business and let her make her own mistakes."

YANBU - "Do something to help which I've suggested in a reply."

She knows she’s obese, you telling her won’t help.

She needs to decide that she wants to do something about it.

It would be interesting to try to understand why she eats as she does but I don’t think it’s up to you to explore this as it’s likely to cause you both stress and anxiety.

Love her and support her.

Well it looks like he is heading towards being her carer so it's very much his business too.

There's nothing you can tell her that she won't already know & whatever you say will be heard as criticism however kindly meant. Instead think about what you can do e.g. tell her you'd like to get back into healthier eating yourself & offer to cook twice a week, giving her a shopping list for two lower calorie but nice meals for when she goes to the supermarket; suggest a walk on the lighter evenings or an exercise class you could do together; never offer her a cake, biscuit or glass of wine; do extra shopping to buy lower calorie snacks and offer them to her. Say nothing about weight. It would probably feel too controlling if you took over all the shopping and cooking, but you can do some.

Don't give up hope. I was that woman and my DH was where you are. Eventually I lost a substantial amount of weight gradually after I retired & have kept it off for a couple of years. It's a pity I didn't do it earlier but the stress of work led to comfort eating and I also didn't have as much time to plan meals and exercise.

conforming to the way in which you believe she should look

Why do women think weight is merely about looks? I think trivialising it in that way is a big part of the problem. It's about not ending up handicapped or with diabetes or dead.

You sound quite smug tbh.
Running might suit you but is not the best option for some women. For menopausal women, strength training is more important to protect the bones.
There can be other reasons why women can find running a challenge - a prolapse for example.
Also bear in mind that menopause can affect the joints as well as being over weight - I know slim women who have developed joint and bone issues after 50.

Menopause also makes it harder to shift weight. It’s frustrating when men just eat a bit healthier and do some running, shift a few stone, and then think it’s that simple for everyone.

I don’t think you are qualified to be giving diet or exercise advice to your wife. A female personal trainer would be much better placed to do that, but only if it’s something she wants for herself.

If she were behaving like a grown woman he wouldn’t have to

@HelpMeHelpMyWifeif you remove food from the house without her buy in she is likely simply to consume the foods that she overeats outside of the home and without your knowledge. It is pointless to try to force her to conform to your ideas of what she needs to do. If she isn’t fully into a weight loss plan then things like removing food will likely just cause additional stress and upset.

Hasn’t the term handicapped been classed as offensive for quite a while now? Disabled would be a better word OP.

Health would be the priority, but I think it’s ok to want your partner to be a healthy weight in order to look good. Relationships usually require you to be attracted to your partner, and for me, that would be not being overweight.

Yanbu. Its you thats going to end up looking after her if she doesn't shift the weight and does end up immobilised. Because the more things hurt the less she is going to want to do and so the bigger she gets etc etc. In my house we are quite blunt with each other so im afraid so home truths would coming her way

Handicapped?

WTF

We've moved on from that very offensive term @HelpMeHelpMyWife

Social Model of Disability: Language | Disability Rights UK https://share.google/AxHsHFNOQHEp2mnBu

I echo what others have said that it's probably stress related. Try to see where the stress in her life is and do your best to shoulder some more of it or eliminate it. Honestly I think counselling would be the best thing for her with no agenda, how you organise that is the challenge. Maybe say you are going and suggest she does too? I can guarantee if she talks about herself and her feelings, her weight will come up. There is some mental block there or lack of self esteem behind this. Often the hardest part is developing the confidence to try to lose weight. Also it can relate to massive fear of failure. In order to lose weight most people fail multiple times before success, that's part of the journey. For perfectionists the fear of failure is so great that they don't want to try. I read somewhere that many obese people are perfectionists deep down, which surprised me. It could also be depression and she is eating her feelings. Either way I think obesity is often just a symptom and her acceptance of this implies there is something deeper psychologically that needs working on.

Can you offer to do all the food shopping and cooking to help her perhaps make healthier food choices?

Running might suit you but is not the best option for some women. For menopausal women, strength training is more important to protect the bones.
There can be other reasons why women can find running a challenge - a prolapse for example.
Also bear in mind that menopause can affect the joints as well as being over weight - I know slim women who have developed joint and bone issues after 50.

Hence: "Perhaps without the running which isn't for everyone".

YABVU. Weight gain in perimenopause happens, and it’s difficult. It’s painful and weight gain happens. Rather than holding yourself up as an example, 🙄 maybe educate yourself about perimenopause so you can be more compassionate and supportive.

How overweight is she?

What do you do in the house @HelpMeHelpMyWife ?

You have time to run three times a week, you don't do any shopping or cooking. What do you do?

To be honest, when my late husband commented about my weight it just antagonised me. I can only lose weight when I make up my mind to do it. If anyone else mentions it, I'm likely to eat more to spite them...which I realise is completely illogical.

It's always a very slow process with me; that might be the case with your wife, OP.

You seem to be avoiding responding to my post OP?

Yep Its always the same You also see it on the Relationships board where men have moaned that their partners havent lost the baby weight

I’m assuming she wants to lose weight? Could you afford Mounjaro? (Or if she has diabetes she could get it for free on the NHS) Maybe asking her mum or another family member to talk to her about mounjaro would encourage to give it a try? I’ve lost 4 stone on it since May last year and am down to a healthy bmi. It’s dramatically improved my life, I’ve never lost weight with such little effort and never lost this much in my life! It’s expensive but it’s absolutely worth every penny, plus you save loads on money you’d have spent on food/takeaways

And their wives are always a size 14 instead of the size 8 they want them to be.

Why don’t you offer to do all the food shopping and cooking for the family and see if you can help make a difference to the way the whole family eats?

"she's essentially going to be handicapped. (In fact I'd argue she already is, she couldn't climb over a fence, for instance.)"

Since when are we judging people by climbing fences?! Wtaf...

Op, you say she's obese but she's at weight watchers. So she obviously is aware. She knows, but she's finding it really hard for probably complex reasons. And your idea of helping seems to be mansplaining (badly) weight gain and loss and the health effects to her repeatedly and talking badly about her to others. Really?

Weight loss is really difficult for lots of menopausal women. It's hard especially if you've poor mental wellbeing or are feeling otherwise burnt out. Or being put under emotional pressure...

I think you need to accept she's her own adult, she knows likely more than you about dieting and weight loss specifically for the female body, and while yes, you may worry about her, you can't control her body or what she does with it or puts into it. You are spot on the money that speaking to your child about it would be a completely inappropriate thing to do.

And also this. Happy to let her do all the shopping and cooking and then complaining about it.