To not want guests staying at 35 weeks pregnant?

[gratedcheeseandham]

For context, it’s my husband and I’s first child. For context, my husband is French and has a lot of friends still in France.

I’m currently just over 28 weeks pregnant and we have a guest staying with us this week that he hasn’t seen in a couple of years (an old university friend). I’ve never met her, but as I’m off work (Easter holidays and I’m a teacher), I didn’t really have an issue with her staying. I think that has translated to my husband thinking I’m okay for people staying whenever.

The problem is that he has invited his best friend from France, his wife and their two very small children (5 and 2) in the third week of May for five nighs. I’ll be 35/36 weeks at that point. I get on with the couple, but they are definitely more friends with my husband than me. They don’t speak English and aren’t that patient with my semi bad French. I’ll still be at work as I go off on maternity the week after, and to be honest I am not sure how I’m supposed to work a demanding job, come home and host and also be very near full term. My husband likes to have elaborate meals (3+ courses, all fresh, 2 hours at the dinner table) and ‘dinner parties’ most nights when having friends over.

My pregnancy has also been quite rough. I had to go and stay in hospital at 26 weeks for an iron transfusion as my iron stores were critically low, I’m consultant led as have a bleeding disorder (unrelated to iron stores) and baby is measuring on the 98th percentile. I’m also on crutches with PGP and feeling a bit like a dog that needs to be put down.

I’ve spoken to husband about this and he says that they’ve booked now. I asked if they could potentially stay in a hotel instead of our house (and they’re staying in the nursery) but he says it’ll be awkward.

I am dreading it. How do I bring this up to my husband? He’s also wanting to invite three couples round in July - a few weeks after giving birth. I think he’s being quite naive.

I have read the whole thing now.
Have to be very careful not to get deleted.

How dare he, the selfish F ing arsehole???
His conduct is borderline abusive, even if out
of sheer stupidity.
These "friends" sound like right entitled half-wit twats as well.
This would be grounds for divorce for me, if ever in similar situation.
And I don't give a crap if "the British like to have everything rigidly planned", as for PP.
I'm Czech and the same.
Unbelievable.

You have a much much bigger problem than guests staying…. Namely fact you’re about to have a baby in a foreign country with a bit of a thoughtless uncaring twat.

She’s not in a foreign country!

I really think he is going to give up their bedroom for his friends to be able to all sleep in one room

These don’t forget are the parents who let dc decide and if dc don’t like being split up then dh is going to think the obvious solution is their bedroom

This would stress me out. Low iron is no joke in pregnancy itself, it was an absolute killer. He's being really, really thoughtless and putting himself first. I'm so sick of men.

Ok so the much much bigger problem is her husband!!

If I were well, I might be ok with his friends staying, but certainly not taking apart the nursery or visitors dictating where they would sleep. But, healthwise, I was in a similar situation to you during pregnancy, and I can't say I would be happy with this arrangement.

If I were in your shoes, I would have loved to tell him either he rang the guests right now, in front of me, and cancelled, or I would call/email them myself. In reality, to keep the peace, I would book a nice hotel on his credit card for myself and move in there for the week you've got guests. (If he's not that great at cleaning, I'd also book an end of tenancy clean - paid for by him - so that everything is spotless when the baby arrives.)

Honestly if it was me I would just say they’re not coming in my house. It shouldn’t be you having to leave your home and stay in a hotel heavily pregnant!

Do you have family near by? Stay with them and have a good hard think about if you want to stay with this man and spend your life like this. My worry about staying in a hotel would be if you go into labour. For my third I was away from DH and my family when I went into labour (only an hour away) and that was really scary, if it was the first time it would have been even worse! Alternatively you could stay in a hotel with a family member?

Yep! They live here but the guests are not patient with the OP’s attempts at French!! And they don’t speak English. They have young children that have zero boundaries and don’t go to bed until midnight. It’s unclear whether the DH will be taking the whole 5 days off..

They are demanding to be driven to
London every day. They sound awful.

And they’re good friends with an equally selfish and thoughtless DH…. Who the op is about to have a baby with.

I would be focussing on the much bigger problem in the OP’s shoes

It's the annual leave thing that got me. Does he really only have two weeks off for the baby? That leave is so precious. What a waste.

I think an AirBnB for the guests he's already invited would be a perfect solution. Your DH can entertain them there. In fact, if he's keen to be drinking wine with them, he can find them accommodation with an extra bedroom or sofabed for himself so he can stay over sometimes.

As for the guests he is thinking of inviting soon after your baby is due, just no. He'll be busy with his own baby.

At 35/36 weeks pregnant you will be seriously nesting. For your own imminent new baby that is, not for another couple you hardly know and their two very young children who will, I’m afraid, be a massive obstacle to your nesting instinct.
And you definitely shouldn’t be the one having to leave your own home to go off to your mums or to a hotel for respite.

OP, your DH must be told in no uncertain terms that he must find an Airbnb for his friends and their children. He has a ready-made excuse as medical interventions with hospital stays have already been experienced in your pregnancy.

It is incredibly disrespectful and unfeeling of him to walk all over your concerns.
His total disregard for you and his dismissive attitude about your feelings point to him being either very arrogant or totally ignorant of the discomfort and fatigue at that stage in pregnancy.

I have a feeling he won’t listen to you. Somebody much more assertive …maybe your mum/sister or even his own mum needs to sit him down and spell it out to him very clearly and send him off with a flea in his ear to research other accommodation for them.

The stress of falling out with him might be worse than a practical discussion . Weather warm / maybe BBQ twice where men seem to accept cooking and the guests tend to join in . Few salad bags , bread etc and that is a few meals sorted . I would explain when the guests arrive your situation and a help yourself policy of simple cold breakfast and hopefully out for lunch - at least .
Sit your husband down and say you cannot be expected to do the work involved. You are concerned for your health and he will have to do 90% of everything .
These guests will be coming now but spell out all very factually but also what would he do / cope if you were so ill from all this.

Yes I’ve already covered the DH being staggeringly selfish and that I’d most likely divorce him if he pulled this stunt

It’s obviously not too late for them to book an Airbnb either.

Sadly there are many many posts on MN from women whose husbands lives have barely changed once they become fathers because they still behave like a single childless man leaving the women to do all the work

I fear OP you are going to have to draw lines in the sand very early with your DH whose shrug laissez fair it'll be fine approach will manifest itself by him doing fuck all to help when your baby is born

Why did your DH invite houseguest without discussing it with your first?
Does he understand about your health issues ?

"I don’t want to parent bash either but the guests coming (?) in May have a very different parenting style to me (and my husband, we’ve discussed it lots). They are very child led, won’t say no, kids go to bed when they want."
There is no way I would be hosting this family, even if I wasn't 35 weeks pregnant. To be honest, I would have ripped my husband a new one by now.

"I feel like it’s prioritising his friends over me."
It feels like that, because it's true - he is prioritising his friends over his wife. I mentioned ripping him a new one, right?

"I’ve spoken to husband about this and he says that they’ve booked now. I asked if they could potentially stay in a hotel instead of our house (and they’re staying in the nursery) but he says it’ll be awkward."
They're not "booked" - you're not a hotel, even if they treat you as such. I'd be insisting he tells his lackadaisical friends that no, they can't stay with you, and I don't care how "awkward" he finds it to do so because I'll make your whole life massively awkward if you don't!

If they want to go in to London every day that they can stay in London and not use your home to save them money (sounds like they'd save on restaurants as well as hotel accommodation - no. Just, no.). Fuck it, I'd be contacting them myself and telling them no, "semi bad French" or not. Or I'd send them a message in English, they can use Google translate!

Bottom line, I'd be telling him 'either you tell your friends they can't come and you can phrase it nicely and politely, or I will tell them bluntly and probably ask them what the fuck they're thinking landing themselves on a 35-weeks pregnant woman "on crutches with PGP and feeling a bit like a dog that needs to be put down" - your choice, husband mine.'

He's being a dickhead.

Oh dear, this doesn’t bode well for the future. It seems like he is missing his old life already and the baby isn’t even here yet!

If hubby won't tell them, email them yourself to point out your late pregnancy and that you will be unable to act as hostess.

@gratedcheeseandham

If he won't cancel his friends' visits, then as I see it here are your options:

A-YOU call them and explain and tell them that 'regrettably' a visit will not be taking place

B-If it's feasible, you pack a bag for yourself and for baby's 1st few days and go stay elsewhere during the visit. Obvs this is if your parents or a friend or sibling lives near the hospital. But TBH I'd consider a nice hotel, too. I say pack for baby in case they arrive during the visit and he doesn't ask his friends to vacate the premises.

C-You suffer through it with a smile

D- You suffer through it with a face like thunder.

If it was me I'd do A (after warning him I was going to) or B (without warning him). If you can't do either, I'd do D, but like hell would I do C!

I’d be packing and moving out that week and maybe forever. That’s unbelievable…and I had selfish twat husbands …even they would not have stooped so low.

You say “ok, I’ll stay in the hotel” and then leave them to get on with it.

For what’s worth, he’s being a twat.

I would not move out of my home. I would give ‘d’h these choices:
a) he contacts them (in front of you) to cancel
or
b) you will

what an absolutely unkind awful man he is