AIBU to think DH is reasonable not visiting MIL daily in hospital?

[sabotaginglizard]

MIL is unwell (pneumonia) and in hospital on a standard ward. Other patients there have a variety of illnesses it seems to be a general rather than pneumonia ward. So some may have contagious illnesses.

DH is getting pressure to visit daily. He saw her the day before she was admitted and plans to see her when she’s home - BIL and SIL are really getting annoyed about this. We have young dc and don’t want to get ill. They are saying DH is not helping and that MIL wants to see him. Hes messaged her and called her and said he will see her when she’s home ? AIBU to think hes being perfectly reasonable and sensible ?

People can not visit relatives if they want, I’ve teens but I’d hope in the future if I’m sick in hospital they’d be bothered to drop in regularly enough (sorry phone had decided on daily and just realised after😅). And the chances of your kids getting sick from him going into hospital is pretty ldh was away and I had one in hospital for five days with Covid and had to go between there and hope and nobody else got sick. I hate being in the hospital and seeing older people not even get a visitor between a day or two

We don’t have a bad relationship with her at all…

You will now.

Look on the bright side, peoples - maybe MiL is absolutely swimming in filthy lucre and will change her will as a result of the last week or so's revelations about her son.

In fairness, he visits his mum every week when she's a three hour return journey away, which indicates a very decent amount of warmth and connection. So it seems all the more odd that he didn't take a day off to visit her in hospital.

Can’t you even be bothered to make sure you get the title of your thread correct?

Me too.

I know it’s different, but I’m fairly old and when I had pneumonia dh visited every day, sometimes twice, to bring clean PJs after I’d had drenching sweats in the night. We do live close to the hospital,,though.
I don’t know what I’d have done without him, and it did make me wonder how people with nobody to visit them, manage.

To add, I know I could have had hospital PJs, but my own are warmer and more comfortable.

But they offer it to over 65s as pneumonia can be so serious that age (although my friend who died from it was much younger than that)

Who is looking after MIL after discharge? Is DH checking that she is well enough to be discharged?

I'm shocked that he hasn't made the effort to visit his open mother once when she is unwell enough to be in hospital and I'm shocked that you seem to think this is reasonable. Daily visits 3 hours with a job and a young family don't sound practical but he should certainly have visited on his days off.

I think you are both being massively unreasonable. Who's taking MIL clean clothes etc and washing what they take away? Taking things in for her comfort? This really annoys me because when my MIL was ill I was the only one who visited her EVERY day, took jammies in and away and washed them. Dealt with the hospital staff when they had updates, not one other family member or friend offered to visit with the exception of one. That one visitor was ill herself, struggled with mobility and she still got a bus twice a week to visit MIL so I could deal with things at home and my dogs. My Husband worked away at the time.
You both should be sharing the load of visiting at least twice in that week. Wear a bloody mask and sanitise your hands if getting ill is the worry.

But he hasn't even visited ONCE. Your title suggests that he's been visiting but just not on the daily as per requests.

It's amazing you can't see how disingenuous it was to post that.

Does he realise that he will have damaged his relationship with his siblings too by doing this?
Jesus, what a pair of nasty bastards you are.

He needs to get up to that hospital today.

God forbid he should interrupt his 'schedule'. Let's hope when she does die (hopefully a long time in the future) the funeral won't interfere with his schedule.

The pair of you are either cold and unfeeling or just weird.

Honestly, complete strangers on this site have shown more compassion for this sick woman than her own son/daughter in law. At least she now know where she lies in your list of priorities although, given your responses here, it probably comes as no great surprise to her.

Notice the OP has not answered anyone who’s asked whether they’d be fine with DH not visiting if she were to become seriously ill in hospital. It’s also a bit telling that BIL and SIL don’t want her there.

OP if he usually goes on a sun/mon why can’t he go and see her today? Surely you can now see that he really really should? I wonder if BIL and SIL have really struggled juggling their own families and caring for her and could do with a day off? You realise when she goes home she will still need their care?

So you asked for opinions @sabotaginglizard - what are you actually going to do now you’ve had pretty unanimous feedback?

Your updates still don’t really sound like you think there is an issue!

Hmm I don’t know. I was hospitalised with pneumonia and covid a couple of months ago. I’m 45 and have complex health issues. Dh came to visit me once in the 4 days I was there. Adult dc didn’t come. To be honest I didn’t expect them to or want them to, I didn’t say that of course but I was so unwell the last thing I wanted was to have people sitting around my bed having to chat to them etc. Dh came mainly because I needed him to bring me some stuff from home. But I appreciate perhaps that’s not the norm. I think you have to be led by what your mil wants.

Does he have a good relationship with his mum? If not, I can understand his reluctance to visit.

If he has a good relationship with her and can't take time off from work, could he visit of an evening if distance isn't an issue.

If they don't have a good relationship and he doesn't want to go, then I completely understand that .

If siblings hadn’t been able to visit would he still have refused to go?

Did he come with you into hospital when you had DC?

Why bother? Has the penny not dropped yet that everyone thinks your husband is not just unreasonable, but completely out of line. Yet you've spent more time discussing the title than accepting that everyone has a point.

This is so sad. It doesn't seem like there is a reason or a bad relationship why he would not go. Just sounds like you are both behaving selfishly and coming across as uncaring. I doubt you mean to we can all be at times foccussed on ourselves. Sometimes for those we love we have to change plans, make those journeys. This should not be about about how he feels about hospitals and the inconvenience of kids being ill, its about his mum who is unwell and would like to see him.

In my family we would do a rota so my mother got a visit every day. Being in hospital is lonely.

When he normally makes a three hour journey to visit her every week?

I think most posters (including me, initially) missed that information. Of course he should have visited her in hospital, but he's hardly an inattentive son. My mum lived that distance away and I only visited her every 6-8 weeks.

That's telling. Why only him and not you?

It’s so scary how easily you outsourced your thinking there.

She chose not to have any vaccines she doesn’t have flu ones and didn’t have Covid vaccines either . Dh was not vaccinated as a child he had to get them done as catch ups as an adult.