AIBU to think DH is reasonable not visiting MIL daily in hospital?

[sabotaginglizard]

MIL is unwell (pneumonia) and in hospital on a standard ward. Other patients there have a variety of illnesses it seems to be a general rather than pneumonia ward. So some may have contagious illnesses.

DH is getting pressure to visit daily. He saw her the day before she was admitted and plans to see her when she’s home - BIL and SIL are really getting annoyed about this. We have young dc and don’t want to get ill. They are saying DH is not helping and that MIL wants to see him. Hes messaged her and called her and said he will see her when she’s home ? AIBU to think hes being perfectly reasonable and sensible ?

I agree that a lot of posters seem to be missing this.

I still think not visiting his mum in hospital, especially when she has asked him to visit is not on. His rigidity about not going because it was the wrong day of the week still makes me wonder if there is some neurodiversity involved.

Yeah youre unreasonable and mean.

Yes but being in hospital is so boring and sucks balls. Time goes so slowly and you overthink everything. When I was in with sepsis, I cried when my sister came to see my when my Dad had been to see me 2 hours before. It's like a different time zone.

Sounds like he might have OCD. I have that and am quite rigid about routines. I still visit people in hospital though! I just wear a certain set of clothes for it and shower and wash my hair when I get back. The fact he's so worried about catching something makes me think OCD.

Get a grip of the real world and wake up. The hospital are not going to leave someone that highly contagious sitting out on a ward with others. No doubt you'll be there like a flash to catch inheritance though whilst leaving the real work to BIL/SIL. Shame on you both.

He’s a grown man so gets to decide if he’s visits her or not. It’s nothing to do with BIL and SIL. They should do what they’re willing to regardless of how much your husband is willing to do.

Of course he should see his mother while she is in hospital.

We can pick germs just going to the shops, work or school.

Do your bil/sil have a family? Jobs? Where do you both live in comparison to the hospital?

Why should it only fall to them to do the heavy lifting when your mil is in hospital? Unless there's a backstory of abuse or similar then expectation really is that things like this would be shared between siblings. What does your dh expect to happen when your mil becomes even more elderly and infirm is he just going to not bother with her and leave it all to his siblings then too?

I'm not sure why you really posted in here because you seem to be quite dead set against really taking on any other viewpoints and your mind seems quite made up that this is reasonable behaviour.

If it was your mother in the hospital and you were running to see her daily and your sibling just didn't because they didn't want to how would you feel about that? No wonder they're putting him under pressure, they should be!

But she's been in a full week! The fact that she's getting better now is not a valid reason for his failure to turn up even once last week.

I know. DH spent 6 weeks in hospital last year. I visited every day except the day of his operation. He was climbing the walls with boredom.

I have never experienced anything like it before, it wasn't sit back and read a magazine bored, it was I think I will actually go insane without a visitor territory.

Hope your DH is feeling better, 6 weeks is so long.

Good grief. Does it occur to him that, if he doesn't like hospitals, maybe his ill mother and poorly children don't either, and would be helped by a visit from him? You are making him sound incredibly selfish.

How will he manage if they don't discharge her until evening? My parent was discharged at 8pm last time!

dh said he felt he wasn’t needed other than to be company

90% of hospital visiting is JUST TO BE COMPANY! 🙄 That's the whole point of it. 🤦🏻‍♀️
(the rest is perhaps 5% to discuss medical issues with staff, and 5% to provide clean nighties and take dirty ones home)

And to bring nice food, and see it’s eaten

I couldn't imagine one of my parents being in hospital and not bothering to visit them. I'm not surprised his siblings are annoyed, especially as his DM wanted to see him.

How awful of a son. Your DH is awful!

When my DGM was in hospital, my DF heard a nurse having a go at another patient because they didn't have anyone to visit them and provide clean clothes/take the dirty clothes away to wash. It was very upsetting and my DF wanted to complain, but was too worried to do so while my DGM was still there.

I have young kids and I can’t imagine not visiting my mum once in a week long hospital stay… have you told your dh that he needs to be a bit less fixed?? I mean if his mum dies on a Tuesday will he only go to see the body on Saturday because it’s his day? He might be very fixed but I’d talk to him now about what the framework for varying his fixed timelines is. Kids are very variable. I’d also talk about circumstances where he’s needed at the hospital, noting you said he went home overnight when you had your babies because he doesn’t like hospitals. To me that’s not ok. I don’t care that he doesn’t like hospitals, I’d ask him if he thought I liked pushing a baby out of my vagina and weren’t my screams and moans a good indicator? So unless someone at the hospital was actively sawing off his leg he was needed here to support me who also doesn’t like hospitals as well as pushing large fragile things he helped make out of my vagina. I’d discuss with him a framework to help him realise when he needs to be at the hospital becuase someone he cares about needs medical help and its a circumstance where his personal likes and dislikes are completely irrelevant.

The @sabotaginglizard seems not to tell her husband anything, just accept this super weird behaviour

Also, visitors have an impact in health outcomes. When my grandma was in there was a constant stream of visitors. They were ready to turn off life support but she recovered and lived for years. I wondered if she would have if she’d been one of the people we saw without a visitor over the weeks she was there. Our family covered all visiting hours so we can confidently say others had no visitors.

I suspect he wasn’t asked to visit every day but to take his turn and share the load.

Three siblings so in six days he’d only have needed to go twice.

I also suspect his siblings also don’t particularly want to visit every day, but will feel obliged to pick up the slack.

Dick move.

Thank you. He had open heart surgery and has now made a full recovery. He had a long wait in hospital before the surgery as he was so high risk they had to keep him in.

I recognised just how bored he was and used to bring in quizzes, puzzle books, nice food etc to try and make it more bearable.

and he really hates hospitals,

I always find this an interesting reason, I’m not sure anybody likes hospitals?

OP, I can't think of a way to put this politely, but you're coming across as a complete melt.

"Ohh, I know the title is misleading but MumsNet told me to do it"

and

"Poor wee lamb husband is scared by the big bad hospickle"

and

"I've told him it's up to him. Its his relationship with his family. It's his decision".

Yes, but you can say "It's your decision but you're being a cruel, selfish Son to not visit your poorly Mum when she's asking for you. And while I can't make you go I really do think you're out of order if you don't, and I'm mortified by your attitude".

Stop being so passive. It's like you're just holding your hands up all doe eyed and saying "I can't do anything about all this stuff happening around me". I dearly hope your own children aren't as ineffective when you're poorly and vulnerable and just want people you love there.