AIBU to think DH is reasonable not visiting MIL daily in hospital?

[sabotaginglizard]

MIL is unwell (pneumonia) and in hospital on a standard ward. Other patients there have a variety of illnesses it seems to be a general rather than pneumonia ward. So some may have contagious illnesses.

DH is getting pressure to visit daily. He saw her the day before she was admitted and plans to see her when she’s home - BIL and SIL are really getting annoyed about this. We have young dc and don’t want to get ill. They are saying DH is not helping and that MIL wants to see him. Hes messaged her and called her and said he will see her when she’s home ? AIBU to think hes being perfectly reasonable and sensible ?

Exactly!

I’ve got siblings like OPs DH, very wearing!

She is his Mum so dont get involved

God help your MIL if when she gets home she needs help more than once a week on a Monday.

You say your DH isnt ND - just likes his routines. So basically if it doesnt fit into his weekly itinerary your MIL can just wait. Nice!

Presuming you are very careful that your kids don't ever go indoors anywhere with people they don't live with. Obviously if you aren't, then you know that DH visiting his mum would have compromised your kids safety in NO WAY whatsoever, and you concocted the LIE about the germs to enabled you both to enjoy hurting his mum.

Does he realise that he'll actually have to enter the hospital and go to the ward to pick her up?

Or is he just expecting to pull up and wait in the car outside?

His behaviour is shameful, and your lack of emotional reaction to this is unusual.

Everything else aside, as you've stated that you have a child who has the same quirks as his father, it would be beneficial to have them tested for ADHD/Autism at some point in the future.

It'll help get them any support they may need through school to Uni and beyond.

It’s not only very boring - it is also very frightening having pneumonia and being in hospital - she just wanted to see her son. Death will likely have been on her mind at some point as it’s so common to die from it - both my parents had pneumonia as an initial/partial cause of death.

I wouldn’t expect my kids to run up daily (though they may well do)- but I’d be a bit surprised if just one refused altogether and said their siblings could do it instead - why put on them? It will cause frustration- well it has, as seen by the calls - I expect they’re used to his casual ways though.

No one likes hospitals - quite a few will have had upsetting or traumatic times in there - no one goes for anything fun. Sooner or later he’ll have to put his big boy pants on and enter one, so why not now? How did he cope with the kids being born?

Anyway, I’m not sure why you’re asking for him on here - you say it’s upto him so you can leave him to decide if it’s reasonable or not -and not check this with mn - do you really fully support his choice? Have you encouraged it? Do you think everything is easier when he gets his choice? Or is it just preferable for both of you that your daily life isn’t impacted by selfish parents in hospital and demanding siblings?

Don’t be ignorant, and ask an opinion to then shoot down every single person who doesn’t agree, and you won’t be called batshit.

Yes, the reaction of the @sabotaginglizard is quite odd

What do you think? Why didn’t you tell him to go?

I think you, or he needs to deal with the health anxiety you/he seems to have. Unless you have immunocompromised family members then there’s no reason for him not to visit. He could wear and ffp3 mask if he was really worried about catching something but he’s more likely to get something serious like flu or Covid that can lead to pneumonia at work or in a supermarket.

It amazes me that people don’t think this far ahead. The OP and her husband are setting a great example for their kids to ignore them when they’re inevitably in hospital when they’re older, and who would then blame the kids?

Thats disgusting.

Waiting for the 'I'm raging that MIL/FIL wrote DH out of their will!' thread in a few years.

Firstly, it's his mum - why isn’t he bothered enough to visit? Secondly, it's putting pressure on other family who are making the effort to visit.

As there should be. What a useless manchild

I’m really anxious about illness and even I think YABU. I would expect him to wash hands and be mindful but I would not expect him to avoid visiting a close family member.

Unless you live 600 miles away or there is a massive back story, to have not visited even ONCE is deeply unpleasant.

I get not visiting daily, and on the couple of occasions we have have family members in hospital, we have pitched in on a rota.

Maybe your SIL and BIL might like a day off if they have visited every day.

Yanbu, I’ve read how he had a chaotic childhood with an anti-vax, anti medical treatment for anything mother. I don’t blame him at all for not visiting her in the hospital. She neglected his health from day 1 so why should he drop everything to support her health? She is lucky he hasn’t gone no contact with her.

I do not agree. MIL is suffering the natural consequences of medically neglecting her son. She couldn’t be bothered to get him even one vaccine when he was a helpless baby, so he owes her zero hospital visits.

As he isn’t neglecting his kids, they will likely not neglect him in his old age.

Awful behaviour by your DH, egged on by you it seems….

Have his siblings seen her more than once while in hospital?

How often dot hey see her in a normal week?

Do any of them have kids?

The timing of this comment was impeccable!

My mum nearly died in hospital from it. He’s being heartless and it’s a disgusting way to treat your mum. Unless your children have autoimmune illnesses but surely they’d be at school or nursery which are like germ factories. Weird.

Considering that he makes a four hour return journey every weekend to take her shopping, look after her garden and do DIY for her, I'm going to assume that they have a good relationship.

But 99% of posters are entirely ignoring OP 's post where she explains that. He was with his mum the day before she went into hospital, and he'll be there tomorrow to help her when she gets home. And then every Sunday or Monday after that.

But according to people here, he's vile and selfish, and pretty much Satan's offspring.
Yes he should have gone to the hospital, but he does far more for her than most sons and drives for four hours every week to do so.

Would it be ok if he'd not visited you in hospital?
As others have said, most nurses and doctors will have young kids in their family. And unless you're living like it's 2020, you have as much risk doing nursery runs/shopping/going on the bus etc.
I would never be with a man who treated his mum like this-how they treat their mums is a good indication of how they'll treat their wife if she gets ill!
And as a DIL, I would be sure to visit my MIL in hospital, even if that meant paying for extra childcare-she raised the man I love.

I had double pneumonia as a 35 year old, I felt like absolute death, I have never felt as poorly as I did then. He needs to visit his mum.

Assuming you’re not 10s of miles away I would expect him to go every few days. When my step dad was ill I went 2-3 times a week and it was 2-3 hours away. Time to step up

Same. I thought I was dying.