AIBU to think DH is reasonable not visiting MIL daily in hospital?

[sabotaginglizard]

MIL is unwell (pneumonia) and in hospital on a standard ward. Other patients there have a variety of illnesses it seems to be a general rather than pneumonia ward. So some may have contagious illnesses.

DH is getting pressure to visit daily. He saw her the day before she was admitted and plans to see her when she’s home - BIL and SIL are really getting annoyed about this. We have young dc and don’t want to get ill. They are saying DH is not helping and that MIL wants to see him. Hes messaged her and called her and said he will see her when she’s home ? AIBU to think hes being perfectly reasonable and sensible ?

I think her coming out tomorrow would be a valid point for not visiting her today, if you’d visited yesterday or the day before.

Yep. This!!

That's terrible. How sad 😢some of these nurses are really lacking an empathy chip.

Unless there is a MASSIVE backstory here, you’re really in the wrong- both of you

the fuck would YOU like it on hospital for a week without you Ds coming to see you

ffs, tell him to go, and have a long hard look at both you and him and where your value are. He’s cold

some we have to boot OHs up the arse to do the right thing and this is one of them.

your poor mil.

Oh my word

it’s his mum ofcourse he should be there visiting supporting his mum and his siblings you only get one mum and one set of siblings Jesus

Good lord! How cold and heartless are you BOTH??? That's his MOTHER, you know, the one who carried him, cared for him, nurtured him, presumably helped make him the man you thought would make a good husband and father, and SON???

Did you know you married a narcissist? Because this thread is so sad.

OP, have you actually told your DH how he come across on these threads? Does he realise that his behaviour is completely alien to the majority of us here?

I agree.

@sabotaginglizard why on earth do you think your husband's behaviour is in any way acceptable?

Read the room (ie read the responses on this thread). Your husband's behaviour is not normal and unspeakably callous.

He needs to get over himself and not make it about himself. He has already damaged the relationship with his family by being so uncaring.

The poster in question said learning difficulty. That is very different from a learning disability – which is conditions like Down's Syndrome.

A learning difficulty means an issue that impacts your learning – could be a visual issue like dyslexia for example. Not in any way incompatible with having a degree (or a FT job). My DD is ND and has a degree and a job; her best friend from school has dyslexia and also has a degree and a job. Just FYI.

The risk is mainly from viral infections, so he should buy some viral stop nasal spray, use it, visit mum, wash hands, don't touch face. Simples.

We all take risks everyday. I use viral stop every time I take a train, bus, plane, go to thd theatre, go to a pub or go shopping etc because I'm a dingle parent and self emoyed so I can't afford to be ill.

No one likes hospitals.
Just one visit would have been nice for her - in hospital poorly snd wanting yo see him.

I'm glad my DH never took this stance when his Mum was poorly

Not that I’m being judgemental at all but…our parents raised us, dealt with every illness every late night, the fact the DH hasn’t been to see his mum in hospital would be upsetting to me as a mum too! Also, if he was massively concerned about catching anything, there are masks!

The fact that you only see MIL at least once a month is also a little bit shocking! I see mine at least once or twice a week.

I'm not surprised! He should visit his mum. You are being hysterical re cross infection risks. He can take careful precautions. We all know how to do that.

similar situation with my family, and yes i didnt attend due to catching bugs etc due to other people to consider too,

The fact that you only see MIL at least once a month is also a little bit shocking! I see mine at least once or twice a week.

Is your MIL local?

The OP's MIL lives two hours away, so I think once a month is pretty good going.

MIL is the ill one. She'd like a visit.

There is no logical reason why he should not.

Are you on chemotherapy?
Is your child gravely ill?

He should visit at lunch time or after work.
His siblings are right.

My late husband had to have open heart surgery and was in a good bit longer than the expected week: there were complications and I wasn't at all sure that he was going to make it.

I was his only visitor most days - the exception was the day that his brother and SIL visited (they came up from England to do so).

I was going to work, driving to the hospital, picking up anything my parents needed, seeing to them, going home. Rinse, repeat. One night I fell asleep at the wheel and the next day was the one time I missed driving over to see DH. (In the rush hour, it was taking about 90 minutes to get from my place of work to the hospital.)

DH's son and DIL were supposed to be coming up to Scotland to stay with DH's ex and were going to meet up with us during their visit.

I got a cheerful phone call from the DIL: "We've decided there's no point seeing [DH] while he's in hospital. We'll come up and see him some time when he's home."

I've never forgiven that.

In your situation, I too would have visited MIL.

Was going to type a really well written post but fuck it, you and your twatty husband don't deserve it.....
YABVU, you're a pair of cold, heartless aresholes and I feel so sorry for your mil.

Why do people always trot out the excuse about not liking hospitals? I can't say the thought of visiting someone fills me with great joy, but you do it because that person needs you, the company and someone to take in treats and take away dirty clothing. There is also the matter of sharing the visiting load on a rota system. Of course your husband should have visited, at least twice. Not only that, he should have actively sought out what his mum needed (fruit, biscuits, toiletries) and taken them in for her. If he was so worried about germs, hand sanitiser and a mask would have sorted that out.

Your husband sounds like a cunt, tbh.

I visited my dad every day, more or less.
And now I’ll do the same for my mum.

No, it’s not easy.
I work full time and have a family

But they didn’t bat an eyelid to support me so it’s not a chore to do the same back.

My DH is signed off work because he’s so unwell with a neurological condition that he can barely leave the house due to pain. Even he manages to get a taxi to the hospital twice a week to see his mother since she was admitted a few weeks ago.

Your DH is behaving heartlessly.

OP this is obviously a complicated situation in which your husband (who may or may not be neurodiverse) was brought up by a mother who distrusted mainstream medicine and did not have her children vaccinated. As PP said, some people would not be visiting her weekly after that, so there must be some sort of relationship there

Practically, and I speak from several recent experiences of family and friends, discharge from hospital can take up most of the day, waiting to see different staff, possibly social worker, waiting for meds from pharmacy. Your MIL probably isn't going to be waiting outside for him to meet her and take her home.
Can he phone the hospital in the morning for an update and then ready himself for a possible hospital visit?

Ok , I admit Im not being fair here

@sabotaginglizard My mum was as fit and healthy for her age than you could imagine.. She was driving on the Saturday, hospitalised on the Tuesday and died of "Hospital acquired Pneumonia " 3 week later

I was lucky I got to sit with my mum for her last 48 hrs so she was never alone , and Im grateful for that. But I have a lot of guilt, as I was with her on the Wednesday, she appeared to be in good form and great spirits so I took the Thursday off from visiting. I was called early Friday morning to come and she never opened her eyes again

And I wasnt particulary fond of my mother ( nor she me )