AIBU to think DH is reasonable not visiting MIL daily in hospital?

[sabotaginglizard]

MIL is unwell (pneumonia) and in hospital on a standard ward. Other patients there have a variety of illnesses it seems to be a general rather than pneumonia ward. So some may have contagious illnesses.

DH is getting pressure to visit daily. He saw her the day before she was admitted and plans to see her when she’s home - BIL and SIL are really getting annoyed about this. We have young dc and don’t want to get ill. They are saying DH is not helping and that MIL wants to see him. Hes messaged her and called her and said he will see her when she’s home ? AIBU to think hes being perfectly reasonable and sensible ?

Speechless!

This is true.
However, as well as being encouraged to dismiss your parents as unimportant people who know nothing, people are now encoraged to navel gaze and microanalyse their childhoods through today's lens (because we all accept that todat's parenting is the gold standard and everything that went before inferior, don't we? 🙄).
Real abuse or relationship breakdown, you may have a point. Your mum not playing with you or feeding unhealthy food, nit so much

Points to consider:

• An FFP3 mask will protect from airborne + droplet carried infections. Anybody who is really infectious should be in a side room.

• Does his mum actually want him to visit? That's a real question and the answer could be 'no' if she's tired and wanting to rest and fed up of being visited by the other sibling and partner. There are worse things but it is awful being in hospital and expected to entertain visitors. The pressure from the sibling may have little relationship to the mother's wishes.

• How much care is she going to need / want in the next couple of weeks at home? Hospitals discharge as fast as they can while people can still be quite unwell. She may be in much more need of help at home with shopping / housework / meal prep in the next couple of weeks than a visit when she's in hospital with staff caring for her. He might go on Monday and find it's better for him to stay till Tuesday.

• Nobody has unlimited leave - your husband needs to be strategic in taking leave at times that are most useful (outside of emergencies).

• The sibling and partner may be wanting support / feeling like they're doing it all - that could do with being talked about.

Why are they dictating the “guest list”?! 3 hours round trip isn’t realistic every day anyway?!

Presumably when she was admitted a week ago they didn’t know she’d be out tomorrow though. There was a point at which she was ill enough to be admitted (and she’s been in a week which is no minor deal) and they didn’t know how long she’d be in and he didn’t visit.

No, every day they have asked him to visit at all. There’s a massive difference.

@BernardButlersBra I think they have been asking daily when he is coming not that they expect him daily.

He had been video calling and does normally visit weekly so I assume he has some relationship with his mum.

But him visiting in person is what MIL has asked for and would share the load with his siblings

He’s not visiting daily - he’s not visited once. YABVVU

And I don’t think OP has responded on whether DH had checked in about discharge and what caring needs may be needed in the next few days/weeks

So essentially you don't want him visiting his sick mother in case someone else he may come in contact with may have some horrible infectious disease which could infect your precious children!
Bit selfish really

I think he should have gone at least once, considering it's been a week.

It's strange he visits her at home once a week but won't go to the hospital?

He is not unreasonable not to visit every day. It's a 3 hour round trip - fuck that. She's not ill enough to warrant that.

Not visiting at all is WEIRD. Even accepting that your kids have had a rough ride. I'd have risked one visit, myself. If I was really germ-averse (and I can be), I'd have worn a mask and washed my hands millions. But I'd have gone once - and I can't stand my mum! So yeah, bit weird.

@sabotaginglizard having followed this thread all day, I think the kindest interpretation of all this that I can come up with is that both you and your DH are neurodivergent and likely with comorbid learning difficulties, and therefore you both have significant challenges to understanding and participating in society, so that you both are unable to understand why it's important to have visited DH's mum.

Like I say, that's the kindest interpretation I can come up with because your responses are so focused on the wrong things that you are coming across as extremely lacking in basic intelligence and ability.

I say this as an autistic woman.

I think it depends on how old your children are and how unwell they’ve been. If you have a premature infant with weak lungs that’s kind of different to having generally healthy and resilient older children.

Saying that I’d have still struggled not to see my mum if she were in hospital even in those circs. Are they not really close? Is her anti vaxx thing part of this in the sense that your husband is a bit like “why should I put my kids at risk because she’s this anti vax ideologue?” It does sound like her anti medicine attitudes have caused problems in the past if his fear of hospitals is anything to go by.

The not liking a change to routine thing does sound a bit like autism, as does the not really showing emotion (not all autistic people are like this but it is one of the questions on the assessment). Regardless, it does sound like there’s a lot more going on here than I think people have given credit to

No ND and no LD we both have degrees and work full time. We are not disabled or suffering from any conditions !

Who yo and your DH are happily let run round for a week solid to visit MIL because your DH finds it inconvenient.
it’s appalling the lack of regard for how awful she must have been feeling and not even pay her a visit to lift her spirits and make her feel thought of. Did I read she actually asked for a visit from DH?
pointless post anyhow as you appear to be comfortable with the cold hearted stance taken, you reap what you sow and all that, good luck with those family relationships in the future

BIL has called dh and said MIL will be discharged tomorrow so Dh said he will collect her take her home and spend the usual day with her

I did a similar journey when my mum was still alive, as well as usually spending a day with her during the week as she became more frail. Once she was in hospital, tje drive was only 45 minutes each way but I never missed a day visiting her for the three weeks she was in there until she died

I am immunocompromised and have been visiting my dad in hospital. There are many people on his ward with chest infections of various kinds, productive coughs etc. Staff are wearing masks.

I haven't visited every day because I just physically can't - but I am going every other day. And I wear a FFP3 respirator which means I am very unlikely to catch any respiratory infection despite being immunocompromised.

If anyone in your household is immunocompromised there is a way to visit safely - i.e. well fitting FFP3. If you simply don't want to catch any coughs/colds/viral respiratory infections I don't find that position unreasonable at all - but there's no reason to avoid visiting for this reason, just get a decent mask for the visit. Use hand gel, wash your hands etc.

It is unreasonable to use not wanting to catch an infection as an excuse not to visit as PPE is readily available. It's not unreasonable not to want to visit if there is a back story, or to feel anxious about seeing MIL unwell in hospital - but it would be unreasonable to lie about concern about infection rather than being upfront about the reason you don't want to go.

@sabotaginglizard you can have a degree and work and be autistic, they are not mutually exclusive

At last he is doing something. He does need to check whether anything needs to be in place when she goes home. And remember discharge can take hours

Well bravo DH, alls well that ends well… 🙄 as long as her being u well doesn’t mess with his schedule. Utter madness.

A learning disability was also mentioned that’s why I explained we both have degrees

Loads of ND people have degrees, drive, marry, have kids, have full time jobs etc etc.

The rigid, never straying from routine that your husband displays is screaming out ND to a number of posters, plus the complete lack of empathy.

@sabotaginglizard if MIL was being discharged today or Tuesday would he have helped out? Have his siblings had to take time off work to help with MIL?

Multiple DIY accidents? Yeah right!