AIBU to think DH is reasonable not visiting MIL daily in hospital?

[sabotaginglizard]

MIL is unwell (pneumonia) and in hospital on a standard ward. Other patients there have a variety of illnesses it seems to be a general rather than pneumonia ward. So some may have contagious illnesses.

DH is getting pressure to visit daily. He saw her the day before she was admitted and plans to see her when she’s home - BIL and SIL are really getting annoyed about this. We have young dc and don’t want to get ill. They are saying DH is not helping and that MIL wants to see him. Hes messaged her and called her and said he will see her when she’s home ? AIBU to think hes being perfectly reasonable and sensible ?

But company so that SIL/ BIL didn’t have to go is a really good reason!

And this is why people have annual leave allowances - to use for this sort of stuff! It’s not all meant to be used for fun. Plus today and yesterday were/ are a weekend!

And so there flaming well should be! Good grief. I'm absolutely gobsmacked that either of you think it's okay to dump all the effort in the laps of his siblings, with such a pathetic, flimsy excuse! What makes his time so important that he can just steal theirs? Because that's what he's doing at the end of the day, by forcing them to go every day instead and do all the errands. They are right to put pressure on him to do his share, and, it's very telling that he can't be bothered to put himself out for his mother.

They are right to put pressure on him. The fact that he has not gone at all, including at the weekend, is showing him in a bad light. In fact, I would say he is vile. You defending him is not a good look either.

I do think it's odd that people seem to feel enabled these days to act in incredibly selfish and self-centered ways towards elderly people, even their own parents.
We are so child-centered now it seems no one else matters but the precious children.
Tgere's no sense of duty, no guilt, no consideration of the other person's feelings. Just me, me, me.
It's not progress and I do wonder how posters like this one will feel when it's them lying frightened in hospital and their precious children they have build their lives around shrug and say 'nah, that doesn't work for me'.

There’s no such thing, not unless you live in Albert Square or Coronation Street 😂

I’d drop everything to visit my parents if they were in hospital. They are 4 hours away.

The tone of your original post is vastly different to your responses. They read like you’ve read some responses and are rewriting the situation because you’ve realised that you are unreasonable. Imagine how you’ll feel when you are older and your kids can’t be arsed visiting you.

I’ve lost both my parents in the last two years. I went to visit them every day in hospital except one day a week when my sister came up ( she lives two hours away) So yes you are being very unreasonable.

Bloody hell yes, you are being unreasonable, pneumonia can be a killer.

As an aside, this kind of thing causes real family rifts. Step up and be number-one devoted son now, or you'll have it rehashed in every single family argument ever.

I would go every day in case they don’t manage to leave.

That told judgy boomer 🤣

You’re asking on ‘Mumsnet’ if a son is wrong for not visiting his mum in hospital. What response did you expect really? It’s baked into the title.

As everyone else said. I hope you're not expecting him to ever visit you if you have to spend a lengthy period in hospital.

If it was really about visiting everyday then you would not be U - you live a 3hr round trip away and have kids.

but yabu about not visiting at all in a week! I would’ve been there minimum just after admission and this weekend. Both days ideally.

When my dad was in hospital my brother travelled 7hrs to be here, even though by this point the emergency was over, and we were just waiting for (minor) surgery to prevent it happening again. He was here to provide company, comfort and solidarity with both our DF and the rest of the family.

And you are definitely BU about avoiding the ward in case of some generic, imagined infectious disease. Wear a mask and wash hands if worried. My DD9 has life threatening viral induced asthma, but she is exposed to viruses every where. She still goes to see her GPs when they are in hospital because she loves them. Unless you home educate the kids are more likely to pick up a bug at school than from their Dad going to visit his mum.

But he hasnt visited at all?
Y0ur title reads like he is visiting every other day or similar.
To not of seen her at all and shes been in for nearly 2 weeks is cold and horrible

He could wear a mask, would he not visit you or not visit your children if you or them were in hospital?
Mean!!!

We don’t even get on with my MIL but I can’t imagine being this selfish and uncaring! You should be visiting, horrible.

I couldn’t imagine not visiting my mum or mil in hospital. I’m not surprised your in-laws are annoyed. I’d be annoyed too. Both being very selfish.

Or course they asked him to visit every day, because every previous day he didn't!!!!! If he'd have gone on sat the Tuesday I'm pretty sure they wouldn't have asked on the Wednesday 🙄

He could've gone and worn a mask, like in COVID times. It is selfish that he hasn't gone.

Idk, I think it's worth considering how close they are as mother and son, and are there other reasons why he doesn't want to go. You can't always assume ppl are close to their parents. Maybe they are not close and therefore the expectations aren't the same. I've known ppl who didn't go to see a relative and it was due to horrible behaviour towards them from the parents when they were young. I think the logic was that, they didn't care for me when I was young, they can't expect me to drop everything for them now they're old. Some parents lean heavily on the 'dutiful' thing, and have high expectations, despite not having behaved like a parent their entire lives.

Obviously, this might not be the case but just saying there could be a lot more to it.

So what happens if she isn't discharged tomorrow?

Absolutely disgusting behaviour from your DH. I would be ashamed of my DH if that's how he treated his mum.

I’m not usually rushing to shout neurodivergent, there’s enough of that on here and neurodivergence can have as much range within it as neurotypical. But in this case….OP, both your husband’s rigidity about when he sees his mum and your replies on here are really telling. The responses on here are mostly explaining to you that it’s very unreasonable not to visit a poorly parent in hospital. You are both, from what little you’ve said, coping well with day to day life but I think you should consider seeking support for the emotional curve balls that life throws at us.
I wonder what your motivation is by posting this thread.

I bet the OP wishes she hadn't posted due to the vitriolic judgement. Isn't this meant to be a supportive platform?
You don't need to sugar coat it, but you've all made judgements about a family you don't know and phrased comments viciously. You don't know how close they really are.
Think everyone needs to chill out and stop projecting their own "my parent is a saint" attitudes on the situation. Not everyone is close to their parents. All being v naive.

When I was in hospital with pneumonia visits were utterly exhausting and I did not particularly welcome them. My husband came every other day which suited both of us well. My parents and sibling came once because they felt they ought to. If your MIL has actually asked to see him, though, I do think it is very unreasonable for him not to have gone even once. The only decent excuse in such a case is if he himself is unwell and might spread germs to patients.

Can't believe you dh is behaving like this. The days are long. He been once.... unless it's one day he is behaving badly. Not ever day but at least every other day if you live close by. What a horrible man your dh is and obviously doesn't care about his mum.