AIBU to think DH is reasonable not visiting MIL daily in hospital?

[sabotaginglizard]

MIL is unwell (pneumonia) and in hospital on a standard ward. Other patients there have a variety of illnesses it seems to be a general rather than pneumonia ward. So some may have contagious illnesses.

DH is getting pressure to visit daily. He saw her the day before she was admitted and plans to see her when she’s home - BIL and SIL are really getting annoyed about this. We have young dc and don’t want to get ill. They are saying DH is not helping and that MIL wants to see him. Hes messaged her and called her and said he will see her when she’s home ? AIBU to think hes being perfectly reasonable and sensible ?

If BIL and SIL weren't visiting would he still take the same stance?
Imagine your poor MIL in hospital for a week with no visitors.

Yes it's a long round trip but nothing in a whole week seems unreasonable. Your child is more likely to catch something from usual child activities/ socialising than by your H visiting hospital.
As a student I still visited my parent in hospital (2 hour train journey) and planned it with my step parent so they could have break from hospital visiting as it can be draining.
Unless there is back story you haven't shared then it seems unfair on both MIL and BIL/ SIL

So what happens if shes not home tomorrow? Will he go and visit her in hospital as its "his day"

Really heartless and selfish bahviour. He should have gone to see his mum. Think what she’s done for him over the years.

Oh, wow, he hasn’t visited once for a whole week!

Can’t lie, I would think very poorly of my dh if he did the same.
His mum was in hospital for 4 weeks, an hour away, and he visited most days after work.

I’m team BIL & SIL, I don’t get why you’re not.

He should be ashamed of himself and you should have also gone or pushed him to go by now!

He is being unreasonable and downright unpleasant. And I can't believe you don't see this. Imagine this is you in 40 years - ill in hospital and your child won't come and see you - how would you feel? Not only should he visit her, he should want to

Think it depends on th backstory if there is one

abusive childhood? Yanbu
narcisstic mum? Yanbu
biiiggg falling out? Yanbu but maybe might be chance to reconcile

if it’s just ‘I don’t want my kids to get ill’ but all with me an dm is fine and dandy… and he’s not like working away, then he doesn’t come off like a nice man.

Good grief this is shockingly bad behaviour from him! So what it’s an hour and a half away it’s his mother! Regardless of whether he has a good relationship with her or not (I cba to read the whole thread as I was so disgusted).

He should hang his head in shame this is dreadful.

Thi is rubbish. Hospitals that aren’t new single rooms are ful of wards of people with flu/covid/chest infections all infectious. You only get a side room in my local if you’re dying and then likely not as they do t exist

He can wear a mask in hospital and wash then sanitize his hands. Poor MIL. He is evading time with her. Neglectful.

OP has asked her SIL and BIL if she can visit her MIL and they have both said no, that her MIL only wants OP's DH to visit, not her.

This isn't OP's fault. She has no problem with him visiting his mum every week and it is a 4 hours round trip so he obvious does care about his mum. He sounds as though he has an issue with hospitals as his mum was very much against conventional medicine including vaccines when he was growing up.

I hadn’t seen my mum for 10 years and when I got the call saying she was unwell with flu and pneumonia in hospital, I went straight to her. I wore a mask, washed my hands etc. Your DH reasoning is odd and a bit heartless imo.

My husband is Norwegian and his Mum still lives in Norway. She got ill last year and he booked a flight ASAP to get to her hospital bedside. She recovered just fine, thankfully. I would have been disgusted if he hadn't gone to see her while he has the full ability to.

Thankfully, my DH isn't an emotionally unavailable selfish prick. He also nearly died in hospital following a horrific accident a few years back, and certainly isn't a fan of the places. But he still went. Because it's his mother.

But you know it’s not true, so why didn’t you edit it? The more you post I think you’re on the wind up or you and your husband are a pair of unbelievably selfish pricks who deserve each other.

If your mum was in hospital I bet you'd visit her. You both sound horribly self-centred and selfish.

Then that really only leaves "selfish arse".

The idea that some women on his mother's ward "may have contagious illnesses" and that he will somehow become infected just by stepping into the same ward - that's just ludicrous. Give it two seconds thought - do you really think a hospital would have someone that infectious on an open ward? Of course they wouldn't! They have no interest in making more work for themselves. "We have young dc and don’t want to get ill" - well they wouldn't, would they? The pair of you are making shit up now. Two seconds thought.

"BIL and SIL are really getting annoyed about this. ... They are saying DH is not helping and that MIL wants to see him."
His mother has had a bit of a wake-up call about her anti-vax tendencies, she's spent a week in hospital with pneumonia (which can kill) and she want to see her children, including her rigid son. He is happy to ignore her desire to see him after a week of her considering her mortality. His brother and sister are right to be annoyed with him, and your husband's behaviour is very likely to affect how his mother, brother and sister feel about him. But hey, got to stick to his schedule, right?

"AIBU to think hes being perfectly reasonable and sensible ?"
Yes, you are being unreasonable, the pair of you. As I write, 91% of 2,558 votes think so too, but despite you asking if YABU and 2,328 people saying you are, you're still not seeing it. I doubt you ever will.

He had an unconventional childhood. Not abusive but he describes it as chaotic. Anti establishment anti vax, moved around a lot so difficult at multiple points . I don’t get any narcissistic feeling about her she can be demanding occasionally but it’s her personality rather than a disorder I think.

Absolutely heartless. She may well be recovering now and due home tomorrow but that wasn't the case when she was admitted, was it. She's asking to see her son. He's basically said 'nah, can't be bothered'. At best, it's likely to have hurt her feelings and may have damaged their relationship.

At worst - My mother was in hospital and I visited a few times even though that was also 1.5 hours away. I saw her Thurs evening after work and the talk was about a support plan for her return home shortly. Friday lunchtime I got a call at work from a nurse saying come urgently. She'd suddenly declined, I rushed over, she was drugged up and incoherent and died that evening. That was bad enough but I can't imagine how much worse I would have felt if I hadn't visited her when I was able to.

I guess my point is, unless there is some backstory that has severely impacted the relationship he is being unkind and it’s a bit odd you don’t see it.

i mean it’s not for you to manage relationships with his family, its up to him, buttttt if it was my husband I’d at least know it was a heartless

I guess the next question is why don't you think that's totally mad?

I feel very sorry for your MIL

Unless he’s vulnerable himself, yes he’s being v unreasonable not to visit. He didn’t have to go every day but being in hospital is shit and having a familiar face come to visit can be the highlight of the day.

When my DF was in hospital we took turns so he got a visitor each day, and we took him something nice to eat as the food was rubbish. Your DH doesn’t need a day off, they have evening visiting hours.

I bet you’ll both be there for the reading of the Will, despite anyone schedules. 🙄

He’s being very unreasonable not to visit her in hospital at all, yes.

Doesn’t have to go every day but not at all is incredibly cold. I’m not surprised SIL and BIL are pissed off!

People in hospital really appreciate frequent visiting - him not going at all puts it all on his siblings.

The fact you have three children is neither here nor there as they have another parent about - you. They don’t have to go anywhere near the hospital. Worrying that an adult going into a hospital is going to some how make you all terribly ill is a bonkers level of health anxiety.

She is not wealthy, lives in a council house and has no savings !