AIBU to think DH is reasonable not visiting MIL daily in hospital?

[sabotaginglizard]

MIL is unwell (pneumonia) and in hospital on a standard ward. Other patients there have a variety of illnesses it seems to be a general rather than pneumonia ward. So some may have contagious illnesses.

DH is getting pressure to visit daily. He saw her the day before she was admitted and plans to see her when she’s home - BIL and SIL are really getting annoyed about this. We have young dc and don’t want to get ill. They are saying DH is not helping and that MIL wants to see him. Hes messaged her and called her and said he will see her when she’s home ? AIBU to think hes being perfectly reasonable and sensible ?

But presumably his siblings were also raised the same way?

Nobody likes hospitals. Nobody goes and visits anyone in hospital because they think it will be a fun experience. You go for the benefit of the person who's ill.

If I was in hospital for a week, even if it was planned surgery let alone an admission for a serious illness, I would be very upset if my son didn't make the effort to visit ONCE.

What if one of your kids was sick and in hospital? Would you and your husband never go visit because you were afraid of 'catching' something and bringing it home to your healthy child? Of course not (I hope). It's very cold-hearted not to go see your own mother. People die from pneumonia, esp elderly.

Oh how mean of him not to want to see her.

My grandad was in hospital for 5 weeks and I used to see him twice daily (for context - I lived an hour away from him) and worked 9-7pm but made it work.

It gave him something to look forward to and if I was lucky enough to still have him, I’d do it all over again.

But MIL is asking to see him. No-one on here is expecting him to go daily but at least once.

Also, he is saying he will go and see her tomorrow but at home, he doesn’t appear to be offering to sort out discharge and take her home

They've asked every day for him to visit because he hasn't, or they've asked for him to visit every day?

It's completely unreasonable that he hasn't been at all and you are pandering to his hospital phobia by not telling him so.

You need to knock that one on the head before he gets any older himself. Aging and hospital goes hand in hand.

This 100%!

Sod his strict routine for a day! It’s his mum. When my mum was in hospital, I drove 1hr 40 min, there and back, mid week, after work, it’s not a big deal!

To not visit her in hospital at all its very unreasonable.

To not visit her in hospital at all is very unreasonable.

Well so he should. Can't believe he hasn't visited even once. What an unfeeling arsehole.

In the time OP has been posting on here today one of them could have gone to visit MIL

Told them to let him know if she's alive and then he'll pop in for her to make him a cuppa, by the sounds of it.

Profoundly insensitive and mean of you both. You should be ashamed of yourselves and I can't get over that you even feel its OK to ask because you only ask if you think you are right.

Years ago I was seriously ill in hospital and my sister never came to see me, I have never really forgiven her as it showed her priorities in life and I wasn't one of them. I was so upset when she didn't come and I realised how unimportant I was to her.

Every day would be unreasonable given the distance butt he could have gone to see her a few times this week, certainly when she was first admitted, but then I have to ask if she was ill when he last saw her if she was admitted on Monday and if so why did you leave her?

Yeah not your finest hour ! And remember you will reap what you sow with your own children as this is the example you are setting them.

You’re opinion is fine if whenever you get admitted to hospital he’s ok to not visit you on the basis that he might take something back to the house.

Why didn't he visit her when he had time off work (weekend or whenever)?

I've already said that he should go to the hospital. No doubt about that.

But he doesn't deserve to be called vile, horrible, selfish etc, by so many people, given how much of his time he gives up for her, weekly.

I doubt we'd find that any of those people name calling, are giving up a whole weekend day, every week, to travel for four hours to do what he does for her.

I can’t believe he’s not visited once! The poor mum, it’s downright cruel! Not to mention the pressure it puts on other family members to do all the running around visiting

My husband is immune compromised. That means our ability to help family with illness is sometimes limited. Once my sibling’s spouse was severely ill with a highly contagious disease. I couldn’t take in their young children. The best I could do was deliver meals and supplies without contact.

in this scenario, DH would probably grab our handy supply of masks, gloves, and hand sanitizer and head to the hospital for a brief visit.

Awful of your husband. His poor mum.

You needed to encourage him to go. How callous of you both

But there's a reason for that! She's seriously ill, even if she is expected to recover enough to come home. Illnesses can take unexpected turns. I think it's unwise and pretty selfish of him not to visit.

It is actually selfish when you're only willing to have a relationship on your terms.

When your own preferences and rigid routines take precedence over the needs of a person in a more vulnerable situation, and you're not willing to bend at all for them - yes, that's selfish. Even if he visits weekly, even if he does regular tasks for her. The minute it's not on his exact terms, he's out.

He doesn't like hospitals? I bet his mum isn't keen either and she's the one stuck there.

I doubt we'd find that any of those people name calling, are giving up a whole weekend day, every week, to travel for four hours to do what he does for her.

I am an unpaid carer. I gave up my professional career, salary, career progression, private pension contributions and far more of my time than that, caring for DH, both DDs and DGC (most of whom are ND). Now I am SPA, I can’t even claim carer’s allowance.

If she's realistically expecting to come home in just a day, I don't think it's unreasonable to wait another day, but I'd probably suggest he say that he'll visit on X date, whether she's home or still in hospital—and then do it.

She's 'only' in her sixties, so not quite the same risk level as someone in their 80s, and if they're telling her she can likely go home soon, I'm surprised the family is being so insistent about in-person visits when the situation apparently isn't dire. I'm grateful that my family doesn't put pressure on one another regarding visits in this way!

@fabstraction would you expect someone to be able to sort themselves getting home from hospital (never mind sort out clothes, toiletries etc whilst in hospital) and look after themselves when recuperating at home? Or would you just expect another family member to do that?