AIBU to think DH is reasonable not visiting MIL daily in hospital?

[sabotaginglizard]

MIL is unwell (pneumonia) and in hospital on a standard ward. Other patients there have a variety of illnesses it seems to be a general rather than pneumonia ward. So some may have contagious illnesses.

DH is getting pressure to visit daily. He saw her the day before she was admitted and plans to see her when she’s home - BIL and SIL are really getting annoyed about this. We have young dc and don’t want to get ill. They are saying DH is not helping and that MIL wants to see him. Hes messaged her and called her and said he will see her when she’s home ? AIBU to think hes being perfectly reasonable and sensible ?

Of course he should visit! He should have gone before now.

Do you have someone immunosuppressed in the home? She's obviously been on meds so I wouldn't really worry at this point. He can wash his hands and wear a mask if he's so concerned about catching something.

But he should at least visit occasionally. Not liking hospitals is a piss poor excuse for not visiting in 6 days and I can see why his siblings are mad at him. That load should be shared among her kids and he's not doing his part.

He’s rigid, black and white thinking, anxious, can’t deviate from routine, struggles with unexpected events, has difficulties with emotions…. ND might be worth exploring rather dismissing out of hand!

@sabotaginglizard if he cares about his DM had he checked in at all with his siblings about her health and her discharge and what care she will need going forward?

Hospital tried to discharge my DF back home after a fall (also had cancer) with only my DM in her 80s to look after him. He was doubly incontinent, couldn’t feed himself, had full blown delirium and kept falling. No care package was offered. I had to fight for unsafe discharge.

Unless he's been assessed the lack of diagnosis means nothing. A person is autistic from birth it's not something they pick up.
I work full time, drive (including advanced driver) and have a family. I also get stressed by changes in routine and can be a bit unusual. I don't really look autistic on the face of it.
Many people live their whole life ND and successfully without being diagnosed, which is fine.

And if one of your DC is like that too might be useful to check about them too

She's been in a week. Neither of you have been. You're both very cold and selfish.

I might as well C&P this.

Every single week he does a four hour journey to visit his mum, take her shopping, and do gardening and DIY for her. Every week, despite his siblings living near her.

Spoiled? Selfish? I doubt it.

I am sorry OP but this makes you sound so incredibly selfish and you would be allowed in to visit.
Part of why I love my husband so much is because of how kind he was to his own mother- he would drive 2 hours after work to check her windows or change a lighbulb- yes it was irritating at times but it made him a good guy and not a total prick.

See my post above yours.

Wow, I’m surprised how polarised the pole is. I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all, but clearly I’m in the minority. He’s phoned and messaged, you live 1.5 hours away so a 3+ hour round trip, it’s not like he can do anything she’s in the best place, there’s no way I’d be going every day or anything close to that either.

I don’t think that’s anything to brag about - it’s not a huge commitment. He’s certainly let his mum know who she can and can’t rely on when she needs some support.

He hasn't been at all, his mum is just asking for one visit.

What has this got to do with him going to see her NOW in hospital?

Yes, okay, he goes over and see's her every week to spend time with her and take her shopping. But so he should. She is his Mum so its good he does this. And that has nothing to do with his siblings living nearby. I am sure they see her plenty of times in the week and also do stuff for her.

The point everyone is making is that he should be going over (and already should have been) to see her in hospital.

I think the OP made up the fear of hospitals thing to save face when they realised everyone here thought they were being highly unreasonable

A 3 hr round trip is nothing.

Its not like there is anything he can do? What, other than show up for his Mum and spend some time with her and let her know that she is worthy of his time and effort to go and see her.

I agree he doesn't need to go daily but he hasn't even made the effort ONCE!

Apologies, what a saint he is.

I don't know anyone else who drives for four hours every week, giving up a whole day of the weekend to do so much for a parent , do you? And it means that OP is doing all the parenting on that weekend day, to facilitate it.

Again, I think he should have gone to the hospital, but with that kind of commitment to helping his mum every week, when his siblings live much closer to her, I don't think he could be called all the names that he has been, in this thread.

if he doesn’t want to take time off work why can’t he go Saturday or Sunday. Bil & Sil are being left to do the visits that’s mean.

Wear a mask and take hand sanitiser if concerned. Unless there's another reason, I can't see why he can't go and see her. She must feel very unwell and vulnerable right now. I guess its worth putting yourself in his shoes if it was your mum would you go with the right protective factors? Might be worth encouraging him, if not as and when she comes home he will need to step up big time!

@saraclara I wonder if he does that a bit like an automaton . It is his routine. If he cared about his mum surely he would have gone to see her. Pneumonia can kill

A visit every day isn’t necessary but he ought to go at least once while she’s still in there .
When my mum was admitted to hospital for a few days I was only able to get there once as it’s a 4 hour round trip including stopping off to the house to pick up some fresh nightwear .
i also had to make arrangements for my disabled child and my dog

YABU. Tomorrows not guaranteed, he’s being horrible.

I think you might be right. But I don’t see thst as a valid excuse at all. My husband has quite a severe phobia of hospitals, but he managed to come to all my appointments with me when I was diagnosed with cancer, and visited me every day for the seven days I was in hospital after my surgery. He also managed to visit his mum almost every day when she was in hospital for over two months. Each and every visit was very very difficult for him, but you have to put your close family first when they need you.

DH is being unreasonable and so are you for agreeing with him. If the hospital takes more than an hour to get to then a visit every 2 or 3 days is acceptable. If it's not that difficult to get to he should be going daily. If he washes his hands and otherwise observes good hygiene he's very unlikely to pick up any bug - anyone with a serious infectious disease will be isolated at the hospital.

Poor woman, stuck in hospital and her own son can't be arsed to see her. That tells her loud and clear how irrelevant and unloved she is. A phone call does not remotely substitute.