AIBU to think DH is reasonable not visiting MIL daily in hospital?

[sabotaginglizard]

MIL is unwell (pneumonia) and in hospital on a standard ward. Other patients there have a variety of illnesses it seems to be a general rather than pneumonia ward. So some may have contagious illnesses.

DH is getting pressure to visit daily. He saw her the day before she was admitted and plans to see her when she’s home - BIL and SIL are really getting annoyed about this. We have young dc and don’t want to get ill. They are saying DH is not helping and that MIL wants to see him. Hes messaged her and called her and said he will see her when she’s home ? AIBU to think hes being perfectly reasonable and sensible ?

Your behaviour, ie both of you is disappointing at least and very upsetting. I am not sure what you think your husband might pick up on the ward, Dementia, Alzheimers, a UTI or maybe a broken hip. Having nursed for 10 yrs, do you know that I failed to pick up any of these, did not even manage a dose of cancer... obviously careless of me or perhaps my training was lacking!

Seriously, tell you husband to grow a pair and, go and see his mum. Well done to his siblings for getting on his case... and in future, try to find less fatuous excuses.

Every day - no but come on OP he's not even been once! He's not NC with her you know it's unreasonable

Why is he being so rigid then? It’s very unusual.

If a parent was admitted to hospital 6 days ago I would expect each of their children to have visited at least once. Not necessarily daily but not visiting at all is awful.

Of course he doesn't like hospitals. No-one likes hospitals! That's exactly why he should be going to cheer up his poor Mum. He doesn't have to go every day but the fact he's not been once is awful!

His responses to his DH being in hospital for a week appears very uncaring especially if there hasn’t been any fallings out.
Its also selfish regarding his siblings.
one can be conscientious and hardworking without neglecting their loved ones. That’s just an excuse.
most people don’t like hospitals and being avoidant yet not having health anxiety is down to choice.

Okay so his mom has been at the hospital gor a week due to an ilness that is one of the most common causes of death amongst the elderly. He has not visited once. It is not 'just sensible'. It would be too much to expect him to travel 1.5h every day, but not once? He doesn't have to visit if he doesn't want to and if he believes it makes no sense. But it does send a message to his mom and siblings hat he won't visit even when requested

It’s just how he is but he has no diagnosis and I’ve never thought he was ND he can just be a bit unusual? One of our dc is the same it’s just their personality type I think. Dh works, drives and functions well. He does have some aversions to things but NT people have phobias and aversions.

Selfish of him and of course his siblings will be picking up his slack. I’d be really pissed off if I was his sibling. People in hospital need cheering up, often need things bringing in. Laundry taking home to wash. Sometimes need help at mealtimes. Might want something nice picking up, a treat or newspaper. Often need help with setting up the tv and topping up the payment so yeah your partner is being a dick by not going in and leaving it to his siblings.

It's actually really boring for people to be in hospital. There's not always a lot to do, you can't guarantee the TV working, you're stuck in a bed all the time waiting for somebody to pop in and visit. So even if she's not seriously ill, it's common courtesy to go. Your husband should take a long look at himself.

I don’t think it’s the time to question if he’s ND.
I was on the flip side of this recently with my DH and his DP was contagious, he just wore a mask, showered and washed clothes as soon as he got home.
In our case the irony is that the ones who were too busy or didn’t want to get ill will be the first there when there’s inheritance to be claimed.

I agree that he should have visited her in hospital. I was responding to the comment that he probably leaves all the elderly care to his siblings but he does visit weekly which is a four hour round trip and she is not elderly or disabled as far as we know. I do think he has been unreasonable not to visit the hospital at all.

And some people are just not kind.

The excuses you’re making for him are wild. “It’s just his personality type” what is, to not visit his mum in hospital? If my partners mum was in hospital for a week and he didn’t visit her once, I’d be disgusted in him.

Well that conventional medicine is what's taking care of his mother right now (possibly keeping her alive) so how does he feel about that?

Of course she wants to see her son.

At this point I would be sitting dh down and pointing a few things out.

Tell him to get over it.
It’s not about HIM! Not everything is about HIM, it’s about going just once to see his mum in hospital.
Think about someone else for a change. I suspect he’s a mummy’s boy, spoiled and indulged.

Fucking grow some and be a man!

I think a lot of previous posters have already covered why this isn’t reflecting positively on either of you at all.

So just wanted to add another view point to you too.
Something similar happened to my family. However I was the sibling in this case.
My mother was very ill, of a similar age and also in hospital for just over a week. She was incredibly poorly and one of my siblings didn’t visit at all.
Daily calls just aren’t the same. Also my mum didn’t tell the full truth how ill she was on the phone as she didn’t want to ‘worry’ them and only wanted to let them know in person.
Thankfully she did get better and recovered, however I can tell my mum was incredibly disappointed with the brother that didn’t visit, although she doesn’t bring it up.
I think it has impacted on their relationship.

From my perspective, I also don’t think very highly about them. I also have a young family and full time job to hold down. The mental burden of speaking to doctors and making ‘arrangements’ just in case was awful. Perhaps your BIL and SIL just wanted to share their worries with your DH too.

It becomes so clear very quickly to all who you can rely on in the time of need, and clearly it’s not either of you.

Sounds like you need to give him a shove to go and see her. Hopefully YOU never have to be in hospital

OP try thinking about how you would feel in 15-20 years when the person you love most in the world refuses to come and see you…. What goes around comes around. You are totally unreasonable

There are times in life when we put everything to the side for the people we love. My dad got taken into A&E last Saturday morning - I was in the middle of an eye test. I couldn't drive because of the dye in my eyes - looked like a bloody serial killer too - so I got the rail replacement bus and travelled for five hours (one way) to be with him and took two taxis to get there.

He ended up needing emergency surgery on the Sunday. I saw him an hour after his operation and was there to bring him home after lunch on Monday with my mum. I would never for a second have thought of not being there. I couldn't even entertain it. Yes his situation was arguably more grave, but until he was admitted we didn't know how serious it was, but I was there on day one.

Also things can take a quick turn when you are admitted to a ward - no one is there because they might be a bit under the weather - hospital stays are serious by their very nature and there is risk. As I say, I couldn't have stayed away. This is someone who has cared for me my whole life, the least I can do is be there when they need me too. No brainer.

Not seeing a parent even once when they are in hospital for a minimum of a week strikes me as cold. I'm sure he would overcome his dislike of hospitals if it was his child and yet he is his mother's child but it doesn't work in reverse? Sorry yes unreasonable in my opinion. Very unreasonable and thoughtless.

My Mums been in hospital recently. The NHS is in such a state that it’s really crucial for ppl in hospital to have visitors. Here are some examples

1. My mum had an 11 hour operation. 2 days later she was expected to walk to the bathroom unaccompanied- she could’ve fainted in the bathroom no one would have know
2. Nurses don’t remove detritus eg tissues etc from bed. Visitors do that.
3. its good for a person to have visitors even if they just sit with them
4. it shows the ward staff too care and are taking in interest in the health of your visitor.

Also this woman brought up you DH. He absolutely should be going every day.

So has he visited her at all??

Poor mum is all I can say.

Or child or spouse?

My husband works, drives, parents and he's autistic! Previously his job was very technical engineering based! Being able to function does not mean you are neurotypical/allistic and not neurodiverse.

This.
Sounds like his siblings are pissed off that they have to pick up the visiting slack. Noone wants to be going to hospital..why is he so special?

Unless there’s a back story and his mother is a monster, or you live in a different country, he should at least visit.