AIBU to think DH is reasonable not visiting MIL daily in hospital?

[sabotaginglizard]

MIL is unwell (pneumonia) and in hospital on a standard ward. Other patients there have a variety of illnesses it seems to be a general rather than pneumonia ward. So some may have contagious illnesses.

DH is getting pressure to visit daily. He saw her the day before she was admitted and plans to see her when she’s home - BIL and SIL are really getting annoyed about this. We have young dc and don’t want to get ill. They are saying DH is not helping and that MIL wants to see him. Hes messaged her and called her and said he will see her when she’s home ? AIBU to think hes being perfectly reasonable and sensible ?

I don’t think that’s quite fair. His Mum is only 67 and he travels a 4 hour round trip to see her every week. I do think he should have gone to see her mid week in the hospital though.

What if she doesn’t get discharged until later on in the afternoon? Is he going to sit around all day waiting for her to get home? Or will he go and see her in hospital and take her home once she’s discharged?

I think that poster was looking at the future. She won’t always be 67.

I know you say he isn't ND but sticking to routines that rigidly and showing no emotion- very much does sounds like he is or incredibly odd if he isn't. The fact that he visits weekly but can't break a pattern only reinforces it further. It sounds like he visits MIL because of a routine rather than care. I would absolutely expect anyone who goes over that frequently to want to visit their mum in hospital. That's the odd part....if they were estranged - totally normal not to visit, but with weekly visits - incredibly odd that he doesn't.

My MIL was recently in hospital with pneumonia and flu, she was in a side room because she had flu. My husband and his brother visited everyday one went to afternoon visiting and the other to evening visiting. Its lonely being in hospital without visitor especially if everyone round about has someone and you don't. Im assuming the reason he is being pressured to visit is it a lot on them having to go everyday and maybe they just want 1 day off.

Nope, your dh is wrong here, he should have gone and visited her.
Does he really care that little about her? Because that is what his dm will be thinking when he won't put himself out for her.

Your first sentence is fair. But (and I realise that I'm flogging a dead horse here) he puts himself out every week by making a four hour journey to visit her. So he clearly cares about her.

Wow. If you're ill on hospital, I guess you won't expect a visit at all, right? Your DH is vile.

Heh. I'm just imagining a different OP.

"My DH and I have small children, yet every weekend he takes up a whole day by visiting his mother who lives two hours away. AIBU to think that he should prioritise his wife and children, to spend time with them and do his share of parenting?"

Yet oddly enough, OP seems to be okay with that.

In my experience, I would assume your dh is laying out his stall to be unavailable for anything difficult.

I think it’s shameful he hasn’t been all week.

Not at all he sees her weekly, takes her shopping / out, does her garden and any diy etc

What days/hours does he work?

I cannot believe he hasn't had time int eh past week to drop and see his mum in hospital.

People die from pneumonia.

She might not be old and frail yet but will he leave everything to his siblings as DM gets older?

The OP doesn't care enough for the relationship to go and see the MIL or to take the DC to see their GM either.

The poor woman has spent a week in hospital.

She sees her every month or two.

I loved my MIL very much, but she lived a similar distance away, so we'd visit about every six weeks (though she would also visit us)

Is his mum a narcissist by any chance? Mine was & my dad and siblings enabled her — they used to abandon kids’ bedtimes etc to see her which was fine as they’re older. Mine was still young & I couldn’t do that & even when Dh went in my stead it wasn’t enough.

This is so outside of my cultural understanding. It reminds me of when my elderly neighbour was waiting for his a daughter to drive down on the weekend before he visited his wife in hospital because he doesn't like the buses and no longer has a driving license. His wife died midweek, presumably with no visitors.

I can't understand the daughter or the man. My family would have all been there every day, morning to night, those with the remotes bit of healthcare training reading all notes to make sure her care is safe. Do you know what happens in our underfunded hospitals these days?

God what has happened to The Family?

This is how me and my family work too.

I offered to drive 3 hours the other week to pick mum and friend up from a short break as someone was dying and friend wanted to be back and not other way.

They refused my offer and lucky the person was ok to wait 2 days but you never know

I'm glad its not just me thinking this.

God what has happened to The Family?

This family member drives for four hours every weekend to take his mum shopping, do her garden and do DIY.

He has massively mis-stepped over the hospital thing, but he can't be criticised for not caring about Family. Especially when he has two siblings who actually live close to his mum. So I'm not sure why he's the one doing the gardening, DIY and taking her shopping every week @GlovedhandsCecilia

Perfectly put.

I dont think he is at all he just has a very strict schedule that he sticks to

We are a very routine-driven household, 3 out of 4 of us are Autistic but we still understand that when a close family member is ill enough to be hospitalised the normal routine needs to change. ND or not, if your DH is capable of holding down a job and parenting children he should be capable of grasping that concept.

I think you're just coming up with excuses now. Yes it's draining having young children unwell from nursery constantly but I can't imagine using it as an excuse to not visit your poorly mother.

I never understand this attitude on here from some posters who have a completey hands off and seperate relationships to their in-laws and its husband to facilitate all contact. Yes to a point, but if my MIL was in hospital and very unwell and my husband was refusing to see her. I can't imagine sitting back and doing and saying absolutely nothing about it.

Only 67? Is irrelevant. I was only 67 when I had 3 strokes . You never know the minute, as they say. She was sick and in hospital. If she was only 50, it would still be unreasonable not to visit at all. One visit would not have killed him. Or is it always up to other family to take in necessities like a change of clothes/ underwear, some treats, and a bit of conversation about the family or whatever to pass the time.
I was in hospital over a month. I didn’t get visitors every day, but both sons turned up once a week or so , and I didn’t expect or need more than that. One came 450 miles, the other was 90 minutes away.

He’s not ND