AIBU to think DH is reasonable not visiting MIL daily in hospital?

[sabotaginglizard]

MIL is unwell (pneumonia) and in hospital on a standard ward. Other patients there have a variety of illnesses it seems to be a general rather than pneumonia ward. So some may have contagious illnesses.

DH is getting pressure to visit daily. He saw her the day before she was admitted and plans to see her when she’s home - BIL and SIL are really getting annoyed about this. We have young dc and don’t want to get ill. They are saying DH is not helping and that MIL wants to see him. Hes messaged her and called her and said he will see her when she’s home ? AIBU to think hes being perfectly reasonable and sensible ?

Bit naughty of you to say they are pressuring him to go daily, giving the impression he does visit, when the truth is he hasnt visited at all and they are pressing him daily to visit.

pressuring someone to visit daily is not the same thing as pressuring someone daily to visit.

He feels its a risk that doesn't need taking because she isn't alone, she isn't likely to pass away and he can see her when she gets home.

They are seeing him not going to the hospital as evidence he doesn't care about her.

If it was me, I'd go. If I was concerned about catching something I'd wear a mask and take hand sanitiser with me.

This is the most PATHETIC reason I’ve ever heard for someone not visiting a close relative in hospital. He is a grown man but he has an ‘aversion’ to hospitals so he won’t go? Ah Diddums. What an absolute man child. Let me guess - the big baby finds hospitals ‘triggering’ 🙄

The real reason is that he is too selfish to put himself out to see his seriously ill mother who wants to see him. And you are happily indulging and enabling him. Presumably you are also bringing up your own children to be this selfish?

I think it’s just health / medical setting anxiety as he was raised to be wary of conventional medicine. That’s really stuck with him I think as he mentions it a lot that’s all I can really think of when I take a step back especially as he’s been injured before and refuses to go when he’s needed stitches etc. He does have a strict routine yes but I think it’s that as well. I have messaged SIL and asked her would I be able to go as I do feel bad about this and if she needs anything taken or company for an hour or two but she said no MIL wants to see her son. Ive told DH this and he says he will see her tomorrow then.

Not visiting every day - totally reasonable. Not visiting at all - yep that's a bit shit. Perhaps Bil/Sil would have liked a day off?

It’s poor behaviour that your DC may remember and then model as their behavior towards you in the future.
And its not adult to simply say you don’t like hospitals.

Do you have issues with your emotions?

Must remember your user name for the day we get the post 'AIBU for being pissed off that my DH didn't get as much in the will after MIL died'.

When my MIL in was in hospital, we had a child and both worked full-time. Hospital was around a 4hr round trip. We went nearly every day, sometimes separately if that fitted our schedules better. On the odd days we couldn't go, we called her a number of times. We also asked siblings to go to maybe take a few visits off us but they were far too busy.
She was ill and frightened and fed up. She needed friendly faces and maybe a few treats.
When she died, one came snivelling that he wished he had seen her before she died.

Feel free to guess how sympathetic we were to him.

Yes his siblings live near MIL. We are 2 hours from where she lives and the hospital she’s in is 1.5 hours away

It actually sounds like there are very complex dynamics within your husband's family. You can only offer. If they refuse the offer , you've tried.

No ? But dh does. Never seen him cry, never seen him angry, he is very ‘neutral’ if that makes sense. Doesnt react to much only gets visibly stressed at a change of plan. I think he’s just work obsessed if I’m honest.

Some children are a real disappointment 😞. Cold-hearted bastard.

As it’s a three hour round trip it would be too much to expect him to visit every day but he really should have been to see her mid week. Also it isn’t up to BIL or SIL to decide whether you are allowed to visit yourself but I understand why they’re not happy with him. Personally I would have finished work early one day and gone for the evening visit and stayed over to visit in the afternoon the following day.

On top of this your MiL chose NOT to have a vaccine that may have prevented/lessen the symptoms of pneumonia

I’ve refused it too. Let me tell you why. My mum’s family is riddled with dementia and the chances of me getting it are extremely high. If that happens pneumonia would be my friend and I don’t want the lifelong immunity the vaccine confers. Some people have sensible and valid reasons for not having that particular vaccine.

So cold hearted that he makes a four hour journey every week to visit his mum.

This thread is doing my head in. Yes he should break his routine to see her in hospital. But generally he's far from selfish with regard to her.

Too late to edit again but I did want to say that it is not your fault if he is refusing to go. You shouldnt be being held responsible for his refusal, either in real life or on here.

So he couldn't manage to visit his mum in hospital for the whole week, not once? Seriously?

They aren't going to have knowingly infectious parents on an open ward. That would cause chaos, they will be in isolation rooms.

Visiting every day? No but not at all is very unreasonable. His poor mum.

So she's been in nearly a week and he hasn't bothered once to visit.

He sounds like a peach. No wonder his siblings are pissed off at him. The fact you're ok and happy with this says it all.

Did you have your children in hospital ? Did he stay away from them then if so ?

He should have gone to see her, at least once while she has been ill in hospital for over a week IMO. It's his MUM!!! And not liking hospitals is no excuse for being there for his Mum when she is poorly. No-one bloody likes hospitals do we? Would she have gone to see him if he had ended up in one for a week?

I can't imagine not going to visit my Mum if she was in hospital for a week and I also lived 1.5 hrs away from her. I would have gone over and stayed with family for a few days so I could do multiple visits.

I also can't imagine how hurt I would feel it my own adult children didn't make the effort to come and see me if I had ended up in hospital and was there for over a week. It would feel like they didn't care enough about me to take time out of their busy lives to even come see me, even if it was only one time.

You only get one Mum OP. Your DH should remember that.

Rubbish. He could have finished work at 5.30 and headed over, picking up some food on his way, arrived 7pm, visited his mum till 8.30 then got home for 10pm. It's perfectly doable.

have only skim read OPs posts.

When you are old and in hospital with something that will potentially kill you and your children don't visit, i hope you remember this.

One measly visit in a week would have been unreasonable. No visits? hugely unreasonable.

Well hell, we drive that regularly (and more!) for our DCs' sporting commitments.

Your husband's a dick.

My 75yr OH had been a volunteer going round the wards at a local hospital for years. He always wears an ffp3 respirator mask and so far has been fine. A few funny looks but not many - it's a hospital fgs - precautions are sensible!
I buy them online but I think you can pick them up in Boots.

I bet he leaves his siblings to do all the elder care more generally too ...and when his mum does eventually pass away, he'll wonder why his siblings got the bulk of the inheritance. Sounds like a very selfish man.