AIBU to think DH is reasonable not visiting MIL daily in hospital?

[sabotaginglizard]

MIL is unwell (pneumonia) and in hospital on a standard ward. Other patients there have a variety of illnesses it seems to be a general rather than pneumonia ward. So some may have contagious illnesses.

DH is getting pressure to visit daily. He saw her the day before she was admitted and plans to see her when she’s home - BIL and SIL are really getting annoyed about this. We have young dc and don’t want to get ill. They are saying DH is not helping and that MIL wants to see him. Hes messaged her and called her and said he will see her when she’s home ? AIBU to think hes being perfectly reasonable and sensible ?

Good grief OP, he should have been there…. He should be there today.

So should you, it’s family. Why are you so worried about becoming ill? Is there a reason for this anxiety?

I cannot believe this is even a question in both your thinking. I hope he makes it up to his siblings when his poor Mum is allowed home & actually offers some support.

Bloody hell, I can't believe he hasn't been to see her!!

If anyone was knowingly contagious they would be in isolation.
Get over yourself and your husband should visit his mother instead of leaving it all to his siblings .

And being company for her is a very good reason to go? And yes relieving his DB and SIL is another good reason to do at least 1 visit.
Does your DH work Mon to Sunday or why couldn't he have gone yesterday or today?
I get he doesn't like hospitals - the having to be in hospital part was the only thing that worried me when I was pregnant, hate them - but sometimes you have to get through these things for others, and this is his mum fgs

This. ^ Your thread title is inaccurate and disingenuous @sabotaginglizard He is not just 'not visting every day,' he isn't visiting at all!

Of course he being very unreasonable to not visit her at all! I can't believe you even have to ask!

Yep. Pretty awful and upsetting for not only his Mother, but his siblings having to pick up the slack. Every day is a little OTT...but to not have visited her at least once when she has been in a week is incredibly selfish of your husband.

Hopefully either of you won't have to experience that lack of compassion from your children in the future, however your children will absolutely be watching how you treat your own parents.

Glad he's not my son.

He needs to get over himself

Imagine how you will feel, maybe in 30 years time, hospitalised and quite unwell and your now adult children can't be arsed to visit you.

My Grandad was admitted to hospital with pneumonia and was expected to make a full recovery. He was all very chipper when we saw him and the next morning he went downhill and then died unexpectedly.

I wonder if your Dh could live with himself if she did sadly pass away and he didn't go and see her as she wished. Also awful for his siblings who have been taking on the full responsibility of visiting.

No one likes hospitals. When my MIL was in a cancer hospital and we visited her she knew it was especially hard for me as I had to walk past the room where my Mum had died a few years early. I was with her in that room when she died. My MIL was on the same ward just a different bay to my Mum and then my Mum was moved to a private room for end of life care.

We made the effort to see both our Mums even though it was an hour's drive away and we had young children. I think your Dh is incredibly selfish and rigid in his thinking about this. I bet she views him very differently after this.

Well sometimes life gets in the way of even the strictest schedules. Sorry OP but thats a very poor excuse and not one that would wash with most people

Wow, well he shouldn't be surprised if he finds no one wants anything to do with him when she's back home. Although I imagine OP would prefer that anyway seeing as she's doing nothing to actively encourage him to put his mum first over his routine.

To be admitted to hospital she must have been very unwell. Like several other posters here I had a parent die with pneumonia and both parents had multiple long term stays in hospital. I would guess you haven't as you would know how isolating and lonely it is the only thing that got my parents through was visits, bringing in snacks, fresh pjs, magazines etc.
Edited to add - your thread title and the issue are different. Yes it might be a bit much to visit daily but it is selfish he has not been once. I suspect from the drip of excuses you play a bigger part in his decision than you will admit

Your post title is very misleading. Yes, expecting him visiting daily when the hospital is 1.5 hours away might be unreasonable.

But that’s not what’s happened here. She has been in hospital for a week and he hasn’t been to visit once, that’s just crappy! His poor mum.

Not visiting at all is mean and selfish

YABVU. You should be encouraging your DH to go but the thread suggests that even though it's up to him you really don't want him to go.
If I was his mother I would be very hurt if I had pneumonia in hospital and my son chose not to visit at all. When my mother was hospitalised my brother, who was undergoing active treatment for cancer drove that far to visit his mother in hospital.
I'm guessing that the reason the BIL/SIL are asking every day is because their mother is asking every day when her other son is coming to see her and they can see how hurt their mother is.
There is a vast difference between going every day and not going at all. You asked if you were being unreasonable and there is a massive consensus here that you definitely are.
Were you hoping that the opinions would go the other way so that you could show this thread to you husband to support his decision not to go?
You asked the question..You've been given a clear answer by the majority of those who replied. Why not show this thread to him anyway and leave him to make his own mind up after considering it. I don't think you will do this as you seem to only want endorsement for the decision made.

Yes of course he should visit! What if she takes a turn for the worse, FIL did and passed away from pneumonia. He had a month in hospital, between DH & his sister, we made sure he had family visitors every single day. We don’t get on with SIL but we managed to pull together organising visits.

Well he’s shown his mum that when she really needs him he doesn’t give a fuck, hasn’t he! What a cold, self centred man.

Your normally healthy mil was HOSPITALISED due to significant ill health and let’s be honest they don’t admit anyone to hospital unless they are really unwell. Your husband has not bothered to go see her….. yes you are both incredibly unreasonable. Also ignorant over how illnesses work.

After reading your post and your updates, I feel you are getting an hard time from posters.

Your MiL lives 1.5 hours away, 3 hours round trip, that in itself, when working full time with young children can be a difficult trip to make when you’ve been told the illness is not fatal and MIL will return home soon.

I also agree with not wanting to catch any unnecessary illness when your family has already had lots this year that has resulted in hospital trips.

On top of this your MiL chose NOT to have a vaccine that may have prevented/lessen the symptoms of pneumonia and she has had no other vaccines. That in itself would put me off visiting her in the hospital.

She’s his mother and patients with pneumonia can go down hill very fast. From the OP it sounds like spike he is happy for his Dsis & BIL to carry his share of
responsibility which is wrong.
I came to the post thinking every day may be a bit much with you having children but from reading the post he hasn’t wanted to visit at all and is happy to just wait until she comes home - it’s not on. If he’s worried about catching something he can wear a mask and ask for an apron and wash his hands thoroughly before and after his visit but yes. He is definitely unreasonable. How would he feel is his mum passed away from complications and he didn’t bother to spend time with her when he could have? I’m with his DSis & BIL on this one.

I hope his mum gets better soon 💐

YBVVU
i can't believe you've both been so cruel. It's a very long day in hospital surrounded by strangers, some company from loved ones makes a huge difference. You've left the load for other family members and they may find that difficult to get past and I wouldn't blame them.

I can’t believe he hasn’t visited at all. Family are meant to step up when needed and to care about each other. Patients need company and care and with the current state of the nhs someone to check they are getting the care they need. It’s incredibly selfish to leave all of this to his siblings. I have a child with an autoimmune condition, illness in our household has a big impact and have health anxiety myself not to mention a big hospital phobia, after my Dad was very seriously ill when I was a child yet I didn’t hesitate to sit with my mum for 36 hours in A and E in the middle of all the contagious winter bugs because she needed me. I wore a mask and cracked on with it because she needed me and yes I would have visited her daily had she been admitted because I care. To put it into perspective neither of us picked anything up from the crammed A and E waiting room either.

Drip feed re distance of hospital. Is his sibling nearer? If it were local, I’d say Yabu, but 1.5hr away, fair play if the sibling is visiting. Bit much for your mil to be demanding his presence-daily?

He obviously just doesn’t want to go, so that’s that. Coming up with ridiculous reasons

I can’t imagine my DH not visiting his mother in hospital. I don’t know what’s wrong with people these days.