AIBU to think DH is reasonable not visiting MIL daily in hospital?

[sabotaginglizard]

MIL is unwell (pneumonia) and in hospital on a standard ward. Other patients there have a variety of illnesses it seems to be a general rather than pneumonia ward. So some may have contagious illnesses.

DH is getting pressure to visit daily. He saw her the day before she was admitted and plans to see her when she’s home - BIL and SIL are really getting annoyed about this. We have young dc and don’t want to get ill. They are saying DH is not helping and that MIL wants to see him. Hes messaged her and called her and said he will see her when she’s home ? AIBU to think hes being perfectly reasonable and sensible ?

I’d be deeply ashamed of my dh if he treated his mother like this. Has he even spoken to her on the phone while she’s in there. We had a close family member in hospital in the middle of my dh having treatment that meant he definitely couldn’t go visit them. And he FaceTimed each day instead.

“I think as well he’s just sticking to his schedule.”

Wow. Bloody hell. His schedule? His mum is in hospital for gods sake. I think he could break his weekly visiting schedule to and see his poorly mum and give her some company.

My son is only a baby now but my god if when older I’m in hospital for a week and he doesn’t come and see me because he is “sticking to his schedule” I’d be heartbroken.

You have kids, don’t you OP? I hope for you they don’t “stick to schedule” if you’re ever poorly in hospital.

As there’s a decent relationship between your MIL and your DH, I think he and you are being incredibly unreasonable.

However, he (and you?) have decided he should not visit her in hospital - that is particularly harsh and nasty.

I’m sure the SIL and BIL will never get past this with you and your husband - and I don’t blame them. Your husband should step up. All the reasonings you have given are straw man arguments. The truth is your husband doesn’t want to see his mum in hospital - he doesn’t care enough to step up. And you are not making him think about his actions - I think a spouse should step in and point out when their partner is behaving like a dick.

Shoddy behaviour from your DH.

@sabotaginglizard why does he think it is okay for his siblings to break their routine but he doesn’t have to.

If his MIL has a birthday does he break his routine to see her, what happens if Christmas falls on Saturday? Does he really care for her or is going to see her on Sunday/Monday just part of a routine he sticks to? Does he have routines for every part of his life?

Bet you’d expect him to visit if you were unwell though!

Sorry, but in my view part of being married is that you help your spouse make the right decisions in difficult times. You should have been telling him to get his butt into the hospital and visit his mother.

@sabotaginglizard i haven't rtft but have read all your posts. to be blunt, you married an inconsiderate manchild, i'm disgusted at the thought of any mother being in that position. if i was in your shoes i would tell him if he didn't visit his mother i would visit a divorce lawyer.

i have an uncle like your husband who i despise for many reasons, but that aspect intensified it. his mother, my granny, sadly suffered a stroke and was in hospital for months to be rehabilitated, he steadfastly refused to visit her until one day she had a turn for the worse and we weren't sure she would pull through. she asked for him and he refused to come. multiple family members secretly tried to convince him while keeping me in the dark because they knew i would raise hell. long story short, i overheard anyway so i phoned him and by the end of a short and resentful chastisement - in which i said the words i would love to say to your husband... "nobody likes hospitals, not even your mother but she's in one so do the decent and respectable thing and get your arse to the fucking hospital" - he miraculously accepted hospitals.

how would you feel if your children learned this attitude from him in years to come, and you were in hospital with them nowhere to be seen? he should hang his head in shame for his lack of care for his mother and so should you for trying to defend and justify it.

his brother and sister are absolutely right to be annoyed, i actually think they aren't annoyed enough. if my brother didn't visit our mother in hospital without a real excuse, like being out of the country or in prison (although winnie the pooh is more likely to do time😂) he would have a more pleasant time eating razor blades.

As if ‘company’ and feeling that your own son cares about you isn’t important 🙄

OP: your DH either has an irrational health anxiety that he would do well to address and / or he us massively selfish and uncaring.

What a horrible man you are married to. "We've got young kids" is no excuse. Can you imagine when they are older and you are in hospital and they can't be bothered to come and see you? Can't you see how hurtful that is? And all you seem.to be worried about us he is "getting massive pressure"!

He is very unreasonable for not visiting at all

Thank you @Lomonald

Was almost 12yrs ago now and she beat cancer but where her body was weak I guess, she couldn’t throw the infection off and as I said organs shut down within 3 days she was dead

i so wish she had met/known about mini blondes but she arrived over 2yrs later but she def gave my dad a new lease of life 💓

Sorry about your mil @Lomonald 💐

Very selfish. After my experiences with my grandparent in hospital there is no way I’d be leaving a family member on their own.
We split visits between family members so there would be at least one visitor a day. It is a lot of pressure so I imagine BIL & SIL are annoyed & resenting the fact that he is leaving it to them and not taking on his share of care, for no good reason

She's been in hospital for a week and he hasn't visited despite both her and his siblings asking.

How selfish.

Get his arse there today to see his mum and give siblings a break

And that means you have to choose it despite it being a lie? Surely it occured to you you could type what you want!! Your answers are very odd.

But real life isn't as rigid. What does he do if you're ill on a Sunday and Monday – leave you alone to manage the kids while he still sticks to his visit?

What if his mum is rushed into hospital again on a Wednesday and given 24 hours to live? Would he swap his schedule then?

If this was your own mum OP, what would you be doing? Or is it because its a MIL she's not worthy of hospital visits?

If you were unwell in hospital, would you not want your children to visit?

I'd be so ashamed of my husband if he baheavd like this. It would make me question what sort of person and values he had. I have young children too and can't imagine using that as an excuse to not visit either my parents or in-laws in hospital.

OP, if you get ill, will you accept that he simply can't change his strict routine to accomodate you?

If your MILs health deteriorates, will you encourage your DH to devise a new strict routine that includes supporting his DS/DB in working out ongoing care for her?

I don’t think you are being unreasonable. I don’t visit family members in hospital and would not expect them to visit me

In fact, quoting my own post. DH has suspected ASD. When his Nan was in hospital, I worked there and I went to see her in my lunch break and I could see she was very poorly. I phoned him and said 'I think you need to visit'. He said 'My turn to visit is on Friday.' I replied 'You need to visit your Nan today because by Friday you might not have a Nan to visit!'

You need to help your DH. Tell him that you know he worries but his Mum is not more important.

Thank you it was 20 years ago now.

Even if it was your mum?

Your DH is an utter prick. Pneumonia can be really serious and the fact that’s his mum has been hospitalised is indicative of that. I’d be so ashamed of my DH if he behaved like this.

Being expected to go everyday is unreasonable, not bothering to go at all - also unreasonable.
He should have gone to visit his mum at least once in hospital and I can't get my head around why he hasn't.

Of course he is BU. And selfish.
To not visit his DM in hospital at all, not daily like your op implies, is awful.
If either of you were ill in hospital for a week would you be happy with no visitors?