AIBU to think DH is reasonable not visiting MIL daily in hospital?

[sabotaginglizard]

MIL is unwell (pneumonia) and in hospital on a standard ward. Other patients there have a variety of illnesses it seems to be a general rather than pneumonia ward. So some may have contagious illnesses.

DH is getting pressure to visit daily. He saw her the day before she was admitted and plans to see her when she’s home - BIL and SIL are really getting annoyed about this. We have young dc and don’t want to get ill. They are saying DH is not helping and that MIL wants to see him. Hes messaged her and called her and said he will see her when she’s home ? AIBU to think hes being perfectly reasonable and sensible ?

I've been in hospital recently. Once I regained consciousness either DH, DS or DsonIL or DD visited. Whilst its nice having visitors it's nice being able to recover. Members of staff would stop for a chat, im talking the auxiliary staff like housekeeping.

I'm missing them more now im home as they've gone back to our previous lifestyle when I could do with short visits.

Obviously I'm not your mil but if she's unwell enough to be in hospital she needs recovery time.

Probably because his mum is distressed and asking for him. He is being very unkind and I bet his mum is shocked.

What a poor show from him. His mum has been in hospital since Monday of last week and he hasn’t visited her once? She must be very hurt.

He should be ashamed of himself.

MIL is BU if she refuses vaccines but expects support when ill/hospitalised.

DH is BU if he won’t visit his own mother in hospital because (a) he hates hospitals and (b) is concerned about spreading infection to his children.

It’s possible they have medical phobias, affecting reasoned behaviour.

The scientifically evidenced way to avoid the spread of infectious illness is vaccines and sensible precautions (distancing, hygiene, hand washing, masks etc) and listening to medical advice. If DH has concerns about spreading infection, he could ask the hospital for advice.

I totally get what you're saying, and I'd be the same, but in OPs scenario the mum has been asking to see DH and is sad he hasn't come

That’s a good point - is your DH going to either force his DB take her home after discharge or for her to get a taxi alone tomorrow because he refuses to go to the hospital?

What deeply selfish uncaring people you both are. No doubt this attitude will come back to bite you at some point.

YABU
its not like he’s been asked to go into a plague house or lepers colony.
highly infectious diseases are always isolated so not clear what he’s worrying about

Please,read my comment above. I'm sorry, I mean absolutely no offence. Everyone is different. I'm not saying its an excuse. But in my lived experience of autistic people, the autistic men I know are far less likely than the autistic women I know to put others before themselves. Maybe its the difference in how males/females experience autism, maybe it's a men v woman thing or maybe its just those people I know. But I live with and around, have many family members and friends who are neurodiverse and this has been my experience.

Poor mum!

Don’t want to get ill - come on.

TBH, you both sound very cold and uncaring. If siblings are telling you it isn’t enough, it isn’t. It sounds like you’re leaving them to pick up all the slack and they’re fed up of it.

You say “daily” but he’s been the grand total of once?

Yes, he should visit.

When my dad was in hospital, I was in twice a day for him. He was there for a few weeks. I think your DH can manage one visit.

Pneumonia is not just debilitating; it is painful and scary. Pneumonia is not contagious so using your children as an excuse is a crock. And I would assume that "immediate" family includes SILs and DILs. You and your DH just cba going to see her.

If he thinks he is autistic or his friends and family do, then he should investigate that and get diagnosed. Or not.

just because he’s being an unfeeling uncaring lazy arse who can’t be arsed to step up doesn’t mean he is neurodiverse. I’m seriously struggling to see why people do this all the time on here. Man behaves like a dick? Oh he might be autistic. It’s much more likely he is just a dick. Especially since the op hasn’t mentioned that he has any other signs of ND.

Forgot to say DS who lives a long way away didnt visit but he and DDiL messaged me regularly. That also made a big difference .

My dad was in hospital for ten days last year.
i went for at least 6 of those days. I can’t imagine leaving a parent in hospital with no one visiting.

Even when my mum had frequent admissions before she died young and we didn’t have a great relationship. I’d still make an effort to see her in hospital. I find it really bizarre close family members or even close friends wouldn’t WANT to even on a short stay.

I’m not a huge fan of my MIL but I would be really upset if DP didn’t visit her in hospital. It would show a lack of compassion. Unless there’s some history of childhood trauma or something, he should go and visit his mum. The poor woman has pneumonia and has probably been very scared.

Wow she has been in a week and he has not visited? When my mum was in hospital (not local) and I was within a week of giving birth I was visiting her, I can't believe he couldn't manage at least 1 visit!

Christ I cannot believe what I am reading and I can't believe anyone would think for 1 minute that their DH was reasonable not to visit his mother in hospital.

You have both behaved like selfish, thoughtless hypochondriacs. Your children have no serious illnesses. The ward isn't obviously full of deadly contagions, or everyone would be in isolation and the nurses certainly wouldn't be allowing visitors.

You and you DH have behaved so appallingly badly that I would actually wash my hands of you after this. He's put his hypochondria ahead of her needs and you've encouraged him. You've "let" him make the decision. That's not helping him. That's like me letting my 10 year old decide whether he wants to brush his teeth or not - given the choice, he'd opt for not. You should have been gently encouraging him, explaining how lonely and frightend your MIL may be, how important it is to have visitors (as, frankly, 'care' is appalling and you really need to be there to keep an eye on things and advocate), how you would go with him, to start off small by dropping off what she's asked for and having a cup of tea with her for 10 minutes. You really need to rethink your attitudes and pray to god neither you nor one of the children get seriously ill.

Please don’t suggest this. The OP will be coming along soon to say she is and that 2 of their 3 dc have sen and that’s why they cba to visit his mum in hospital.

I think most of us with elderly parents would be more concerned about giving them something rather than catching something in this scenario.

Surely this post is a wind up.

Hmm I think if she's getting regular visits from his siblings, is relatively young and fit, has been responding well to treatment and is about to be discharged, then I can understand him just visiting on Sunday/Monday (or when she gets home) if he is busy with work. Especially if she is aware of his hospital phobia. Him visiting daily might give the message that everyone thinks she's at death's door, when she isn't.

I say this as someone whose DM died in hospital with pneumonia, with me there by her side 24/7. But not all cases are the same.

I think BIL and SIL and poor MIL are getting a glimpse into the future here, elderly parents only become more dependent the older they get, it's clear BIL and SIL will be doing all the heavy lifting.

He is being very selfish, I have seen some older people in hospital not get a single visitor all day and I always think how sad that looks. I get she has BIL and SIL but are they able to go every day and do they have other responsibilities like DC? It sounds to me like DH isn't interested in MIL at all and happy to do the bare minimum.

@sabotaginglizardwould your DH come to visit you in hospital if you were in for a week with something serious?

This is one thread I hope is a wind up.

If it is genuine, you seem so cold OP, I hope your children do not learn from your example.