AIBU to think DH is reasonable not visiting MIL daily in hospital?

[sabotaginglizard]

MIL is unwell (pneumonia) and in hospital on a standard ward. Other patients there have a variety of illnesses it seems to be a general rather than pneumonia ward. So some may have contagious illnesses.

DH is getting pressure to visit daily. He saw her the day before she was admitted and plans to see her when she’s home - BIL and SIL are really getting annoyed about this. We have young dc and don’t want to get ill. They are saying DH is not helping and that MIL wants to see him. Hes messaged her and called her and said he will see her when she’s home ? AIBU to think hes being perfectly reasonable and sensible ?

AIBU? Mil has distanced herself from DH and we think he’s been cut out of her will because we didn’t visit her in hospital when she had a health problem that could have killed her.

Wonder how long it will be before OP is posting this?

I wonder is your husband neurodiverse? His thinking seems to be black and white, catastrophic thinking about the potential for picking up and bringing home illness from the hospital, his need to stick with his usual routine all suggest that may be the case?

Wow that's horrible. Everyone uses NHS resources for unavoidable things. People have accidents playing sport, smokers get cancer, people choose to get pregnant. My aunt got bowel cancer, it's massively caused by obesity, doesn't mean she deserved it, her family still rallied round her.

People don't deserve to get diseases just becuase they don't vaccinate themselves against them.

I'm autistic. I still visited my mum and my mil in hospital two hours away. Being nd doesn't excuse being selfish.

You and your OH both need a kick up the arse and then get yourselves off to the hospital, either together or individually.

Ofcourse he shouldn't have to visit every day when it's 1,5 h away. But to not even go once!? He really doesn't care about her, does he? If my dh would do this to his mum (he def wouldn't) then I would tell him to watch the kids and I would go myself. It's unbelievable that both of you are so cold towards this poor woman.

On a side note- tell her to get vaccinated as if she's ill in the future she know she can't count on you two to show up.

How does that work with SIL then? Either you're both immediate family or neither is.

I feel like there's a huge back story here you're not telling us.

Im screamingly neurodiverse. I still went to see my mum every day in hospital 2 hours away.

edit to add. Every time someone behaves like a total dick on here, someone pops up to say “are they ND”. It’s kind of tiring and offensive

And if she is disharged tomorrow, who is bringing her home? From your post it's not your DH who is planning on rocking up at her house.

He has literally not lifted a finger while she's been ill.

I would be furious if he was my brother. Or my husband. I would be mortified.

How is he going to step up to the plate when she is seriously ill? Or will he let that fall on his siblings too.

I bet he shows interest when it's time to talk wills.⁸

It could be the husband's sister & brother, rather than one sibling and a spouse.

Could be the DH brother and sister? He could be one of three?

I expect that's because they want him to pull his weight as he is also her child and not leave all the visits to them. They have a point if so. Earlier in the week they must have all thought she was in some danger to hospitalise her so they didn't always know she would come out tomorrow.

Also she might not get discharged til tomorrow evening so will he still go then or leave it until his next scheduled day?

Very unreasonable. He should have gone to see his by now

I am not excusing it. But his need for routine may be stronger than his,wish to visit his mum who is not at death's door. Therefore he perhaps sees no need to add discomfort to himself by changing up the routine.

Many autistic people are not selfish, others are. In my experience, and this is not a generalisation but my direct lived experience, the autistic men I know seem to find it far more difficult or maybe they're just more reluctant, than the autistic women I know , to put others feelings above their own

Terrible people. I cant ever imagine my mum being in hospital and not visiting her once! The kids getting sick thing is nonsense.

True, but why not say DB and DSis?

It might be his brother and sister but the Op inlaws.

Sorry it’s his siblings he has a brother and a sister

That’s really poor form on his part. He can wear a mask if he’s worried about catching a cold.

In my experience selfish adults raise children who grow up to be selfish too. How would you feel if one of your DC took the same stance when you or DH are ill in hospital when they are grown up?

@sabotaginglizard what are you trying to achieve from this thread?

You have had a week where you or DH could have gone a couple of times but you were fine not to go. Presumably today is his scheduled day to visit so he is going today?

Or is he trying to move that to Monday/Tuesday after she is back home and you are wondering if that's is unreasonable?

You and your husband are selfish assholes, who on earth don't visit a sick parent in hospital or encourage their partner to do so, Oh that would be you two. You're worried your child might catch a cold, is the most lame excuse ever. As a mother to adult children, I would definately think I failed at showing them how to be caring and empathetic. The family seem to not like you and i can see why. You can't even be bothered to take your child to visit their grandparents when your husband visits, you see them every couple of months. I bet you would go to see your parents in hospital if they were ill. Shame on you two.

So your MIL has been seriously ill in hospital for a week and neither of you feel like her son ought to visit her?

Poor MIL. You know it's really horrible and lonely being stuck in hospital right? That's why they encourage visitors.

Your SIL and BIL must be furious with you both.

Okay, so DB and DSis have asked you to stay away. Still doesn't stop your DH going.

What if his mum had deteriorated suddenly rather than got better? Would he have gone then?

Was she abusive to him growing up? Does he carry any resentment about childhood issues?

I have a difficult relationship with my mum, but I'd still visit her when she's poorly enough to be admitted to hospital. It's not just providing company, but also being an advocate for the person in a busy ward where staff are overstretched. My mum was a nurse, and she has asked that if she is admitted could I come along and clean around her bed and surfaces as the standards of hygeine are not the same as they used to be. Whatever problems we may have, I'd be happy to do that to help make her feel more comfortable.