AIBU to think DH is reasonable not visiting MIL daily in hospital?

[sabotaginglizard]

MIL is unwell (pneumonia) and in hospital on a standard ward. Other patients there have a variety of illnesses it seems to be a general rather than pneumonia ward. So some may have contagious illnesses.

DH is getting pressure to visit daily. He saw her the day before she was admitted and plans to see her when she’s home - BIL and SIL are really getting annoyed about this. We have young dc and don’t want to get ill. They are saying DH is not helping and that MIL wants to see him. Hes messaged her and called her and said he will see her when she’s home ? AIBU to think hes being perfectly reasonable and sensible ?

She has admitted it is her bil and sil. So she could have gone even if her DH wouldn't. They are both as selfish as each other

I cannot see why he would not visit. I think all of us would visit our mums if they were hospitalised. If he feels under family pressure to do so then that is reasonable. It does not reflect well on any of you.

He hasn’t seen her at all? That’s really poor. Fast forward to when you’re that age and your children can’t be arsed to see you.

Not visiting his mother in hospital because he has two young children sounds like an excuse.

The majority of health care staff have young children too. It doesn't stop them going to work because in reality, following the basics of infection control means that becoming ill yourself is very unlikely.
Pneumonia is severe if it hospitalises you and dm is only 67. So it clearly knocked her on her arse and she was pretty sick. Your husband sounds ill informed about how unwell she's actually been, if he was, he'd surely have visited. I'm glad she's better.

I’m glad my family didn’t apply the same logic when I was in hospital last year. I felt very lonely and vulnerable and people’s visits made all the difference. No nasty illnesses were spread around as a result of the visits…,

Yeah I think the DC thing is just a lazy excuse. Unless their family literally stays inside and never interacts with the public then it’s nonsense. In a hospital the infectious people will be clearly designated as such and in side rooms. You’re probably less likely to come into contact with something contagious than in a workplace/on the bus/in the supermarket. There will be thousands of people walking about with infectious illnesses every day.

Ok so if this was you in hospital would you like your adult children to visit or just leave you to it if they have their own young children and just hope you recover? Of course you would. You are being heartless and VV unreasonable.

She’s been in hospital for a while including a weekend and you think it’s ok to not visit at all.

Hopefully the poll will put you right.

Yes, they’re really selfish. Visiting Mil, advocating for her, showing up. If that’s selfishness bring it on.

I’m clearly an outlier, but my answer to this is no. I hate having visitors in hospital. Especially every day. When I was in for a week I told my husband and my daughter I’d rather they didn’t visit.

@BoredZelda MIL has asked for DH to visit

Too right.

So it's ok for the rest of the family to pick up the slack and visit but not your DH?

He can't even see that they might like a day off from it today, and for him to go instead!!!

The MIL has been asking for her son to visit. Not similar to your scenario at all.

When someone is in hospital they still need things - clean clothes, toiletries, pyjamas etc need to be washed. So he’s abdicating all of this kind of thing to who? BIL and SIL presumably (more likely SIL). Thats not fair OP and you know it.

I think @Malinia meant OP and DH are as selfish as each other, not that bil and sil are?

Ask your DH how he would feel if he had been admitted to hospital last Monday and neither you or the DC had been to visit “incase you catch something”. How lonely, neglected and unloved would he feel?

Let's hope your kids show a little more compassion when you are elderly and one of you ends up in hospital......

I would find it hard not to look at my dh very differently if he did this to his own family.

He would go from being someone I thought could be depended on to someone spineless and utterly disappointing instantly. I would feel ashamed other family members now looked at him in that light too and how that reflected on me. I would be worried my children, as they grow, will pick up from the family vibe that we are unreliable, lazy, cannot be trusted when needed.

I suspect your in-laws already have the measure of what type of man your dh is and this is just another example - whether it is because they think he is completely heartless towards his mum, and/or so under your thumb he couldn’t find the backbone to visit his own mum in hospital.

I dont get the reasoning that because you have young kids you cant visit in hospital. The staff who work there will have young kids and go in daily. Kids of hospital workers are fine. They are all there daily and she is not their mum.
This is sad. Of course he should go see her. She is his mum. I would honestly think less of my husband if he left his mum in hospital for a week and he could have visited and didnt. Its family the most important thing in the world.

I love it when men hate hospitals (and it is always men), as though the rest of us cant get enough of them and pop in to see strangers to get out fix. Everyone hates hospitals... They stink of food mixed with bodily fluids, theyre boiling, theyre not ventilated enough and they are sooo dull. Your in laws visiting your MIL will not like hospitals anymore than your husband, it's just that they are less selfish.

So glad you are not my family. Of course he should go.

I meant that op and her DH are both as selfish as each other. You misread my post.

Sorry but his behaviour is appalling.

She’s been in 7 days already if you count today. That’s a long stretch so she must have been very fragile.

Very poor behaviour by OP and her husband - the pressure is clearly mounting IRL - so she has come here for validation and ammunition.

Unacceptable behaviour.

What’s the point of starting a thread if you are unable to reflect and consider other viewpoints and instead just double down - save yourself the bother and just send yourself a text.

This, .he thinks somebody else doing it is fine he doesn't care enough about any of them, bottom line is he is selfish there is no justification for it.