AIBU to think DH is reasonable not visiting MIL daily in hospital?

[sabotaginglizard]

MIL is unwell (pneumonia) and in hospital on a standard ward. Other patients there have a variety of illnesses it seems to be a general rather than pneumonia ward. So some may have contagious illnesses.

DH is getting pressure to visit daily. He saw her the day before she was admitted and plans to see her when she’s home - BIL and SIL are really getting annoyed about this. We have young dc and don’t want to get ill. They are saying DH is not helping and that MIL wants to see him. Hes messaged her and called her and said he will see her when she’s home ? AIBU to think hes being perfectly reasonable and sensible ?

Yes, think your husband is unreasonable and you are too.
Can imagine many other future times when your MiL is poorly, it will all be on his siblings to deal with. Your future too, BTW. Would he also not visit you if you were sick, on pretext that hospitals are horrible places and got to protect the kids?

You have the emotional depth of a puddle, and are both horrible people.

You really want to hope you never get severely ill if this is his attitude

I have just said to him maybe he could go today he’s said no he will see her when she’s home

What you give is what you get in this life. If you show your family care you’ll stand a much better chance of getting care back.

I think it’s so sad that you actually have the nerve to ask if he is being unreasonable. I can understand not going every day but not to have visited at all is unforgivable.

Maybe instead of weakly suggesting he goes today you actually put your foot down? Tell him he’s been selfish and lazy? Explain that his siblings have been running up and down to the hospital for a week, keeping her company, providing things, making sure she’s ok. That he needs to give them a break and be there for his mum? Ideally he should go today, stay overnight and then go home with her tomorrow to settle her in. I know you can’t control him, but I think some strong words are needed.

Is he always so rigid in his routine @sabotaginglizard

If going tomorrow is he helping with discharge or is he expecting her to sort that herself? Is he batch cooking today so she has plenty of food in? Will he be doing her laundry for the clothes she has been wearing in hospital?

I struggle with horrific health anxiety and hospital phobias. I still manage to drag my arse in to support my DH when he has chemo!

My kids travelled on all over the country to visit him within 24 hours of him being admitted. 6 of them, some travelling over 400 miles to get here. To show him support and that he is loved.

Most people actually want to visit their loved ones in hospital, however they may feel about the hospital environment, because of the whole love thing.
Having young children is actually quite common, with many people managing both to have young children and to meet ordinary social obligations outside the home.

So why don’t YOU go to visit her? I went to see my mother in law frequently when she was in hospital for three months.

Let's hope MIL changes her will to prioritise those who prioritise her and not themselves

HTH

This is so weird, not to visit at all

She must have been pretty unwell to have been in hospital for at least a week

I‘m not surprised his family are fed up with him

Can you go if he won’t? They’ve said only immediate family but you are immediate family!

But the MIL asked for a visit.

I was recently in hospital with appendicitis and peritonitis, and was in hospital for 9 days. My daughter visited on my first morning, then no further visits

My CRP was up to 440 so was incredibly il and was having hallucinations and was really frightened.

Apart from the need for supplies, a bit of company and perhaps a treat or two ... the biggest thing I was without was having someone to advocate for me, and to find out exactly what they were doing (blood test results were delivered to my Patient knows best account and whilst useful, communication was terrible, I didn't know what or how they were treating me. I was on IV antibiotics for over a week so I know/knew i was being treated but no one gave me any assurance)

My father got sepsis in hospital and never recovered, he was in ITU for 3 months, had limbs removed and finally died of multi organ failure. He'd been in an ordinary ward for 6 days for investigations when he had multi embolism...so I was acutely aware of how quickly and how serious it was

So yes YABU and sound hearless and should know both you and he are being ABSOLUTELY UNREASONABLE

I was very hurt by this, and although I am trying the resentment I feel just won't go away (the skeleton staff over Christmas was abysmal, and anyone who was able to go home had gone) the food was worse than normal, and that wasn't great anyway, and I was so lonely. I still get rather tearful

So now his excuse of "sticking to his schedule" is not being used what is he going with now?

I was recently in hospital with appendicitis and peritonitis, and was in hospital for 9 days. My daughter visited on my first morning, then no further visits

My CRP was up to 440 so was incredibly il and was having hallucinations and was really frightened.

Apart from the need for supplies, a bit of company and perhaps a treat or two ... the biggest thing I was without was having someone to advocate for me, and to find out exactly what they were doing (blood test results were delivered to my Patient knows best account and whilst useful, communication was terrible, I didn't know what or how they were treating me. I was on IV antibiotics for over a week so I know/knew i was being treated but no one gave me any assurance)

My father got sepsis in hospital and never recovered, he was in ITU for 3 months, had limbs removed and finally died of multi organ failure. He'd been in an ordinary ward for 6 days for investigations when he had multi embolism...so I was acutely aware of how quickly and how serious it was

So yes YABU and sound hearless and should know both you and he are being ABSOLUTELY UNREASONABLE

I was very hurt by this, and although I am trying the resentment I feel just won't go away (the skeleton staff over Christmas was abysmal, and anyone who was able to go home had gone) the food was worse than normal, and that wasn't great anyway, and I was so lonely. I still get rather tearful

This

MN have started a thing where AI suggests a title for you.
You don't have to use it but they give you a choice. It's quite a new thing and I don't like it.

Show him this thread.

No one is asking about DH's vaccines.

This thread is utterly pointless. Neither of you care so just get on with your day and continue to ignore the issue.

Starting to believe this is a wind-up, you sound more and more like 'bot', completely devoid of emotion.

Your DH sucks like a truly awful person and you are almost as bad. I can't believe you are just enabling him being so uncaring to his mum.

He should have visited as soon as it was clear are was going to be in for more than a day or two.

Illness can escalate so quickly in elderly people. My mum went in with a slight infection and ended up nearly dying on ITU. My mil had pneumonia and they taught are was going to have to be on oxygen at home as she struggled so much to get better. They were two hours away from us and we have a disabled child who needs care and we still visited multiple times a week.

Your DH has permanently damaged his relationship with his siblings and he still doesn't care! He should have gone yesterday and today.

There's actually no guarantee she will go home tomorrow. Hospitals constantly tell patients they might go home tomorrow, they do it to give them hope and keep them going. It often isn't actually the case though.

You need to tell him he has to drive up today and see her. I don't understand how you can look at him the same way with him being so uncaring towards his own mum. I would be disgusted if my DH behaved like that.

No I’m not able to they said it’s only DH

Of course he shouldn't be pressured into making a 3 hour round trip to visit the hospital every day. This wouldn't be feasible for most people due to work, childcare etc. But the fact that he hasn't done it even once, when she's been in hospital for a week, is really selfish.

I take your point about your DD having been poorly but no one is suggesting he takes her along and let's her crawl around the ward licking all the surfaces, for goodness sake. DH goes alone, he masks up, he maintains social distancing, he washes his hands a lot. He comes home and showers before touching you or DD. Very low risk of him becoming unwell, or passing anything on to anyone if he does this.

Your comment about him "sticking to his schedule" says it all. Most grown adults accept that having a parent unwell in hospital is one of those situations where schedules and routines need to change. It might be stressful or inconvenient but sometimes we have to do things for other people.

I'm not surprised your SIL and BIL are pissed off. They've probably had a very stressful week trying to juggle their own commitments with hospital visits, and to top it all off they have had to field questions from their Mum as to why your DH hasn't been to see her. Not to mention the penny has probably dropped for them that as your MIL gets older and needs more support it's likely to be all on them.

I wouldn't be surprised if this has a lasting impact on his relationship with his family.