16yo ds seeing much older man in London, ds1 has made it 100x worse, dont know what to do know

[kettleonbutnoidea]

i dont even know where to start tbh this has all come out in the last couple of weeks and i feel like im constantly on the back foot

my ds2 is 16 (17 in summer) and has been talking to someone online for a while which I DIDNT KNOW about until recently. turns out its a man in his 30s living in london. ds says they have “met a few times” which actually means hes been getting the train down there on his own. i only found this out because his brother saw messages on his phone

before anyone says yes ive had the talk about safety etc but hes insisting its all fine and that hes happy. says im making it weird and that age is just a number which hasnt exactly reassured me

then ds1 (22) completely lost it. tracked the man down online and basically messaged him threatening him. i dont know exactly what was said but it was bad enough that the man replied saying he’d go to the police if it carried on. now ds2 is furious with all of us, says weve embarrassed him and is barely speaking to me

since then hes even more secretive and has said hes going to stay in london “for a bit” over easter. i feel sick writing that but i dont know if i can physically stop him and im worried if i push too hard he’ll just go anyway and cut me off

im stuck between thinking this is completely wrong and also not wanting to drive him further away

AIBU to be this worried or do i need to back off a bit now its all blown up?

Take his phone away to see what’s on it? I presume it’s in your name anyway as he’s under 18. You could also try to get advice from his school/DSL.

Because he could easily walk out and not come back. She’s trying to prevent that.

This.

Sadly.

OP, tread carefully and try and talk to your son rather than go in all guns blazing. I would want to rip the mans head off too but you will end up getting sued if you're not careful.

So what's YOUR solution?

No crime has been committed - if you think it has bern, what specifically?

Can she stop him leaving the house? Get on a train?

However disgusting it is he is over the age of consent and the OP cannot lock him in his room.

So cop on to yourself.

The lack of understanding about grooming on this thread is shocking.

Yes a crime has been committed if the man has been grooming this boy - the age of consent is important but the legal definition of "child" is also highly relevant - and that's anyone under the age of 18.

And there is more than enough detail in the OP's posts to suggest that this man has been grooming the boy. It therefore IS worth pursuing this as a criminal matter.

Cases:

In 2024, Liam Cotteril (30, from Stoke-on-Trent) was jailed after admitting to the sexual grooming of a 17-year-old girl.

In 2016, three men (Alistair Spagnoletti, 21; Curtis Walker, 23; Callum Ward, 19) were jailed at Harrow Crown Court for controlling a child after grooming a 17-year-old girl into prostitution. They provided her with food, drink, and drugs, exploited her trust, and took money from the sexual acts she was coerced into. Sentences ranged from two to six years and eight months. Police called the grooming "deplorable."

Other cases involve 16-year-olds, such as grooming leading to sexual activity with a child by a person in a position of trust (e.g., army instructors or others in authority convicted of grooming 16- or 17-year-old recruits or pupils).

Grooming gangs and individual offenders have also faced charges where victims included 16-year-olds, with grooming cited as part of the pattern of exploitation.

I didnt say she had committed a crime, my post was in response to a scenario put forward by another poster, try to follow the conversation.

it IS the right thread and your point is an important one. Parents have to step up for their teens and older teens if they’re in a dicey situation. Even if it’s legal on paper this is more likely than not a situation where a 16 year old child will be in a situation they’re not able to process mentally, emotionally and physically. And sorry but this is on the parent.

What would I do now the horse has bolted?

1. Tell son how much you love him, that I support his life choices. Really make sure he gets that
2. Tell him you’re very worried because a 16 and 30+ having a sexual relationship most likely involves manipulation (secrecy, lies, doing things that 16 year old isn’t ready for).
3. Watch / discuss documentaries mentioned, including the movie Pillion (it’s about an 18 year old and a 30+) to open the lines of communication
4. Demand to meet the man as a condition to anything going forward between them
5. Remind your son that you’re legally responsible for him
6. Team up with his school
7. Speak to his friends
8. If man doesn’t want to meet or seems dodgy I‘d bring out the big tools properly stopping this most likely unequal relationship

I’ve read the contributions from the gay men on here and one was mature enough to benefit at a young age from relationships with much older men. Good for you, I think this might be rare. Most kids don’t have that savvy!

Also, let’s question the gay community ‚Daddy‘ relationships mentioned here. Maybe that’s the next ‚me too‘ thing?

There are some offences that can be committed where the young person is under 18 - familial sexual abuse, sexual abuse by those in a position of trust, child prostitution and pornography, for example - hence CEOP's involvement. And, of course, the offences that can be committed against adults can also be committed against young people who, because of their inexperience, are more vulnerable. But, despite debates in parliament on the subject, 16- and 17-year-olds do not have the same protections as younger children if predatory adults target them for sexual abuse.

The reality is that prosecutions for consensual sexual activity with 16- and 17-year-olds are extremely rare because of the way the law stands in England and Wales. And I remain of the view that nothing OP has said definitively shows that any offences are being committed.

By the way, I note that you refer to AI questions and Google searches. Google's AI (which often appears at the head of search results) and at least some other AI platforms give answers that are clearly wrong about UK law in this area.

@kettleonbutnoideaFor goodness sake, as a mother with a child of similar age, your job is to protect him and be his parent, not his friend. As everyone has said, grooming, child sexual exploitation, power Imbalance. He is still under 18y. What fully grown man dates a child. Your oldest son is correct with his reaction, he has not made it worse, he’s doing what you should be doing.

Please for his safety, speak to the police, speak to his college so they’re aware too. You know nothing about this man and potential danger your son is in.

I think this thread highlights the absurdity of having various ages of maturity in law.

imo it would be better if 18 was the legal age if consent, adulthood, voting, marriage, leaving education and safeguarding until 18

it would make it more difficult for predators and give easier guidelines between departments that deal with these matters and situations

^THIS. 100%.

I understand the knee jerk responses as it's an emotive subject, however, I suspect that the police will not do anything as it's not illegal!!

What's worse, is that going to the police is also terrible advice as it will probably alienate her son from the family.

OP you need to ignore and delete this thread
what ever you do it needs to be right
whilst there’s a lot of well meaning advice 99% comes f people who have no idea how the law works

your only and best option is to would be to contact the right police department and get PROPER CORRECT advice

as for DS 2 he’ll just have to face what’s coming to him if the guy does complain which I doubt

Not strictly true as all under 18s in Police Custody get a call to EDT and are allocated an appropriate adult,so the Police still see them as a juvenile and treat them as such.
Talking to the Police would help as they can do a search on this man under Clare's Law and safeguard if there are any red flag

Sorry he is 100% being groomed. If this has been months then potentially since he was 15…definitely being groomed!

As someone who was groomed as a teenager (and has left me with trauma for 30+ years), please please please go to the police. Yes your son may be annoyed with you today. Right now. But in years to come? He’s going to look back and realise you safeguarded him. That as a parent you had no alternative.
It works both ways. If you do nothing right now, in years to come he’s (potentially having been left with huge trauma) going to look back and think “why didn’t they do something to safeguard me?”. Believe me. I think this myself every single day and it’s left me with complex relationships with my parents.
Your son is a child. Yes, 16, but a child. And he is very obviously being groomed by an older man. He won’t get it (because a part of being groomed is that they persuade you that this is what you want) and he will be annoyed at you. But do not let him go and stay with this man over Easter. If you do, he may suffer huge trauma. Don’t be scared to rock the boat. Feel compelled to.
im so sorry that you and your son are going through this. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone x

Absolutely this, the Breck Boy thing was absolutely heartbreaking and really impacted me when I became aware of it Absoutely devastating because that boy is dead and died a horrible death at the hands of a predator befriending him

The OPs son potentially was in a sexual relationship with this man when he was 15.

Contact children's service in your local area. They will be able to do police background checks on the man and will take the situation seriously as your son is only a child - I am a social worker myself and unfortunately respond to referrals like this frequently

Potentially yes

And even if its certain, the boy has not disclosed this and if and when he does, will he say it wasnt consensual?

"Sorry he is 100% being groomed. If this has been months then potentially since he was 15…definitely being groomed!"

The boy is closer to 17 than 16 according to OP. As distasteful as it is it is not " definite" nor 100% he is being groomed or even a relationship.

For instance, There is a good chance he got to talking to this guy on a gay hookup app or website, which is also very risky.

As previously posted if he trying to access the phone and get his account banned from these sites for being under 18.

So many people seem divorced from reality here. Some on account of a Huw Edwards docudrama fgs.
Not only what OP describes here (no matter how distasteful) completely legal but what the heck do you think the police will do?
'Yeah he's 16, nothing we can do.'
That's what'll happen.
Going to the police is only going to end in disappointment AND may foster a 'us against the world' attitude.

I always thought that lowering the age of homosexual (male) consent was wrong for the reason described in the OP.

Boys, generally speaking, tend to be less protected than girls in these matters.
Politically incorrect of me? Yeah, perhaps but it's just an opinion.
I'm not naive enough to believe it would stop any predatory behaviour of older men on young boys but at least it would not be legal.

At 16 he IS a minor in the UK.

I would go to my nearest police station and get advice pronto.

Regardless of the legal age of consent - the abuse and grooming element relates to the power imbalance between a child and an adult who has lived experience.

There are no common interests or experiences between a 16 and 30 year old. The adult holds the power and would only seek to have a relationship with a child due to their vulnerability which makes them easy to manipulate.

Comparing relationship gaps between adults is completely different. A 16 year old is not able to legally drink alcohol. It would be against the law for the 30 year old to buy alcohol for them outside of a shop- there is a reason for this.

I’m a social worker and your son has been groomed. Please contact children’s social care or the police depending on country/location. Your son (in England) is still legally a child so safeguarding policies annd legislation apply. The man he has been meeting up with could be dangerous or have prior offences because what sort of person wants to meet up with a teenager in London hotels? safeguarding processes can be followed to keep your son as safe as possible and give you advice on what to do from a parenting perspective. You are not your child’s friend and although there is a risk he will rebel, that doesn’t mean you stop trying to keep him safe? It’s really hard but I wish you and your son well.

I am also a social worker and completely agree with this.