16yo ds seeing much older man in London, ds1 has made it 100x worse, dont know what to do know

[kettleonbutnoidea]

i dont even know where to start tbh this has all come out in the last couple of weeks and i feel like im constantly on the back foot

my ds2 is 16 (17 in summer) and has been talking to someone online for a while which I DIDNT KNOW about until recently. turns out its a man in his 30s living in london. ds says they have “met a few times” which actually means hes been getting the train down there on his own. i only found this out because his brother saw messages on his phone

before anyone says yes ive had the talk about safety etc but hes insisting its all fine and that hes happy. says im making it weird and that age is just a number which hasnt exactly reassured me

then ds1 (22) completely lost it. tracked the man down online and basically messaged him threatening him. i dont know exactly what was said but it was bad enough that the man replied saying he’d go to the police if it carried on. now ds2 is furious with all of us, says weve embarrassed him and is barely speaking to me

since then hes even more secretive and has said hes going to stay in london “for a bit” over easter. i feel sick writing that but i dont know if i can physically stop him and im worried if i push too hard he’ll just go anyway and cut me off

im stuck between thinking this is completely wrong and also not wanting to drive him further away

AIBU to be this worried or do i need to back off a bit now its all blown up?

That's not true though. They are a child until 18 under UK law. Just because the age of consent is 16, it doesn't make the age of majority 16. We've literally raised the marriage age from 16 to 18 to stop child marriages... because 16 and 17 year olds are children. The law also counts nudes of 16 and 17 year olds as child abuse images.

That’s irrelevant to the age of consent unless there are other offences taking place.

So of course you know that the police can 'run checks' on someone if there is a CP requirement but would require consent to do so otherwise.

The other TM on this thread says she wouldnt strat it at this stage (she might later). I wouldnt be stratting this at all based on OPs information, Early Help would be able to do some work with mum around communication, plans, safeguards etc and give her advice about what to look out for

So you would strat this? Because otherwise the police cannnot 'run checks' on the bloke.

What 30+ year old person would strike up a relationship with 16 year old? Although threatening behaviour isn't acceptable, I actually admire your eldest for protecting his little brother!
As suggested, I would definitely seek legal abide regarding online grooming.

I work in MASH and we would be able to override consent in this situation without a strategy discussion. Threshold for overriding consent in a MASH team is lower as we need to gather information in order to determine whether or not a strat is required. I respond to referrals like this and request background checks multiple times per week.

Thats very helpful as a service, I referred to MASH upthread but we dont have one and this is what we miss, we dont have this opportunity.

It's a really common misunderstanding amongst professionals and social workers in longer term teams who have not worked at the front door that consent can only be overridden when threshold for significant harm has been met. If we have concerns, mutli agency checks are completed on the majority of safeguarding referrals that come to children's services. This follows working together guidelines which states that information sharing should never be a barrier to safeguarding - in place following multiple SCR's. We do not have to wait until a child is being abused/harmed until we respond. Hence the focus on early intervention.

EG in this situation- MASH would complete police checks on the male. Review any other vulnerabilities or signs of exploitation, parents responses and then make a decision on threshold. You can't make a decision based on this post.

That's such a shame - how are referrals processed in your service?

Sued for what?

I don't think he'll accept being 'grounded' when it seems he's been able to get away with going to stay with strange 30 yo men in London on many previous occasions.

She can't lock him in the house?
She should tell the police though as it is classed as grooming if it's 16 and 30s.

OP, can you keep chatting with your DS in a calm but concerned way - to help him start to consider aspects of the situation he may not have done before.

E.g. If his college attendance is dropping off, this could impact on his future. It may seem exciting right now, but if he fails his exams or gets a lower grade than he;s capable of, that will never hurt the man he is meeting. But it could hurt his wn prospects later in life. So if this man is a grown up who genuinely cares about DS, he should be ensuring he doesn't miss any college. But if he is just selfish, he probably won't care that much if DS's future is harmed, so long as DS entertains him.

As long as DS knows you are concerned and care for his wellbeing, not angry or judgemental, it takes the heat out of the issue. He can't get too self-righteous about being loved and cared for.

16- and 17-year-olds are still legally considered children under protection laws (e.g., Children Acts 1989/2004 in the UK), and the law on grooming still applies.

Immediate Protective Actions

• Do Not Confront the Groomer: Confronting the suspect can make them hide evidence and potentially put your child in danger.
• Report the Activity: Contact child protection services, local law enforcement (e.g., 101 or 999 in the UK), or a child advocacy center immediately.
• Report Online Grooming: Use platforms' reporting tools and contact national organizations like CEOP (Child Exploitation and Online Protection).
• Gather Evidence: Take screenshots of messages, conversations, and photos before they are deleted, but do not delete the child's account, as police may need it.
• Understand Legal Protection: In many jurisdictions, 16- and 17-year-olds are still legally considered children under protection laws (e.g., Children Acts 1989/2004 in the UK), and the law on grooming still applies.
• Ivison Trust +5

1. Supporting Your Teenager

• Listen and Remain Calm: When they talk about it, listen without judging. Reassure them that they have done the right thing by telling you.
• Remove Blame: Explicitly state that it is not their fault. Groomers often make victims feel responsible for the abuse.
• Handle Resistance: Teens may be angry or protect the abuser. Continue to offer support and safety, even if they resist, as rescuing them is worth temporary anger.
• Seek Therapy: Engage a professional therapist who specializes in trauma and child exploitation to help your child understand the manipulation.
• Barnardo's +4

1. Preventing Further Contact

• Block and Delete: Encourage your child to block the perpetrator on all platforms, including gaming devices and apps.
• Secure Digital Devices: Monitor online activity and keep devices in shared family spaces.
• Change Routines: If the grooming involves in-person contact, change routines to ensure they are not alone.
• NSPCC +3

1. Long-Term Support

• Rebuild Self-Esteem: Groomers target insecurities. Rebuild confidence through supportive, healthy social connections and activities.
• Educate on Digital Safety: Talk about grooming tactics, such as the use of secrecy and gifts to create dependency.
• Child Protection in Sport Unit (CPSU) +2

For immediate, confidential advice and support, you can contact organizations like the NSPCC (0808 800 5000) or Childline in the UK

Blimey, I’d be worried sick. Personally, I’d be finding out as much as I possibly could about this man. Do lots of digging.
I know you don’t want to rock the boat any more than it already is but I’d be tempted to contact the man too.
Apologies for being naive and clueless here but would a Clare’s law type of thing be worth doing? Like I said, I’m clueless in this area.
My heart goes out to you.

I asked my partner about this. He trained as a children's social worker, but works with adults as a social worker now. It's worth reporting it to the police, in case there's a history of this individual as a child abuser, or as a domestic abuser, or if there's any evidence of anything prior to 16, which would make it a criminal offence. Also, if he's shared images, that's also a criminal offence under 18. He's said social services might also be able to support, but they would be quite limited in their powers of there's nothing that falls into the criminal category.

This is way beyond what most parents have to deal with. You need professional advice on how to handle this or who to report to.

Where is their Father?

Personally i would back off but put some stipulations in place- explain to him that you respect he is legally old enough to have a relationship with anyone but that untill he is 18 you are legally responsible for his safety- stipulations being he is to remain in contact with you for the whole duration of him staying with this man- think up a code word so you can be sure its him texting not the man, phone call every morning or night- if he is unable to ring you then he needs to send code word so you know he is safe.
find my friends or similar must be on for the duration of the stay.
full name and address of the person he is staying with.
Then explain to him if he doesn’t comply with these stipulations or you feel he is unsafe then it is your legal duty as his parent to phone the police and give them said mans name and address for them to make a visit and check he is indeed safe.
i would also send the man the same stipulations (obviously don’t tell him what the code word is) and explain to him that you will call the police if they aren’t followed and you feel he is unsafe, being in his 30s surely he could understand that you would be concerned and he should be agreeable- if he is not agreeable with the stipulations then that is a major red flag and i would be looking deeper into who this man is before my son went to see him.

My son is a gay man in his 30s. I showed him this thread. His response?

"The older bloke is a fucking wrongun. Get your son away now."

He wholeheartedly supports your second DS course of action. As do i.

Sometimes as the parents of gay children we can be so at pains to show them we're supportive that we let things go that we wouldnt if they were straight.

This is one of those times for you.

Protect your child.

I work in a child protection role and completely agree with the other advice from social care professionals, it is highly likely your son has been groomed, potentially while he was still under the age of consent and I would be contacting your local social care professionals/ police to report this as a matter of urgency. He is still vulnerable at 16 even 17 , your local area should have specialised child exploitation services that can support.

If I think a strat is needed then I'll request one, I hold several a day.

I wouldnt for this because despite being unpleasant and inappropriate, I dont have an allegation and it would be working backwards to say to open for assessment (which I wouldnt) just to get that (which may never come) when at the moment his wishes and feelings are clear, albeit in opposition to the adults around him. He hasnt made any disclosures of harm. Mum needs support around it without a doubt and I would be advoating for her to understand how to engage him, not alienate him and push him further into this blokes arms. She needs to love bomb him so to speak the way the bloke is probably doing

I wouldnt ask for information about this man at this stage either, mum has plenty of information that she can utilise to phone the police as an individual rather than us as a service.

Things can change very quickly of course so it may be different a different day.

From your update, it suggests that your son has possibly had new trainers/hoodie/flow of money for train fares. Yes, it's possible he's purchased these items himself through his part-time job, but equally he may have been bought these items/is given an 'allowance' by this man.

You need proper professional advice and support. I understand you don't want to drive your son away, because you'll end up driving him towards this man. However, you need to speak to professionals to understand how to proceed further. At the moment you're going in blind, not knowing what to say for the best. You need to seek urgent advice.

Really good advice.

To add to this OP do you never go into his room, check whats there?

I find this so worrying that OP has still not done anything about this.

Why on earth does she think a 30 year old would have anything in common with a 16 year old other than for grooming purposes!!

This is correct, however if the man holds a position of responsibility, examples of which could be teacher, Dr etc.. then the age is increased to 18.

The police will not be interested if the man does not have that increased threshold as no law is being broken, unless contact can be proved as starting before OPs DS was 16.

BUT I would absolutely contact the police with your concerns, the worst that can happen is they say that they cannot help.