Wedding Aftermath

[Greenhairedmonstor]

I have been mulling on this for a week. I only want opinions as I don’t know what to think and I am not going to say anything to anybody.

DH, my step-children 13 and 17 and I were invited to a wedding on DH’s side.

My children 9 and 12 weren’t.

While I don’t blame groom and while my children have their own father and I have lots of childcare I felt weird about going to a family wedding without my children so I decided not to go,

My husband however, contacted the groom and very generously they invited my children however when we got to the reception my children were on a different table. They were on a table together about four tables away from me, with two couples and a baby. They were pleasant people.

My daughter kept coming over to me and a waitress asked her politely to sit down as they were going to bring out the main course.

My husband asked my stepson to swap seats but he refused and my sister-in-law was quite sarcastic. I didn’t know what to do so finally I swapped seats with my own son.

My stepchildren appeared to be annoyed by this.

What would you have done?

Your married. What kind of person invites some but not all of your children in the first place. Tacky.

Step-children of the dad usually live with the dad at least 50% of the time, and in the vast majority of cases, more like 80 or 90% of the time. They are categorically not extended family!

Completely irrelevant what the childcare options are.
This is a family. Doesn't bode well for the future of OPs family and DHs family if her side don't get invited to family events.

Because they're his family too.

You can’t always expect your entire family to be invited along with you to everything.

But in general you don’t expect only half of your immediate household to be invited to a family event. As I said upthread, when the OP is a step mum trying to justify excluding her stepchildren from similar occasions, she is invariably told how terrible she is for not ensuring her own family accept her stepchildren as part of the wider family. Clearly MN doesn’t hold step dads to the same standards.

And yet when dad’s children live with the him and their step mum for an equal or greater amount of time, step mum is almost universally castigated on MN for not ensuring her own family treat them as extended family and include them in family events. These are OP’s children, her DH is their step dad. Why is he not held to the same standard ? Where is the difference ?

@DotAndCarryOne2 , If a child is distressed at sitting with her brother in the same room as her mother she would have been better off not going to the wedding.

@oviraptor21 , half a blended family.

We don't know if the groom/bride was the DH's sibling or a more distant relation.

If I got married, I would not be inviting my cousin's step-children.

Then the callousness is all on the OP - if her own mother has described her as shy and uncomfortable without her - then her own mother shouldn’t have put her in an position that she knew would cause her such distress - OP should have sat with her DD and the strangers from the outset - but she prioritised her own interests callously by staying away from her shy daughter. And yes her behaviour - shy or not shy - was appalling as a 9 year old - disruptive and disrespectful to the proceedings - so bad that a member of staff had to step in because her own mother thought wandering around between tables was OK - same as demanding an invite. Absolutely excruciating behaviour from start to finish the lot of them. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

The 9-year old was sitting with her brother.
The OP could have swapped with her son at the start. A 9-year old should be capable of not making a nuisance of herself.

Poor little mite was not a nuisance. She was overwhelmed and upset. Every single adult showed poor judgement in this case but it wasn’t any of the children’s faults. I am so sad the way posters are referring to this little girl. I do wonder if it’s intentional rage bait as surely no one really thinks this about the children involved.

Poor little mite my arse. She could have sat quietly for the meal.
Weddings can be boring if you hardly know anyone.
The child has an extended family of her own and could have spent the day with her father or her mother's relatives.

Rubbish - there’s loads of media coverage about poor parenting where toddlers are allowed to roam around coffee shops and restaurants and disturb others - never heard such complaints about about a NT 9 year old - surely she is capable of behaving herself at school all day - this is a much more significant environment and her DM couldn’t or wouldn’t manage her disruption without staff having to step in.

I sounds like the 9 year old was just wandering over to her mum's table rather than running amok like a toddler in a cafe. It was a daft decision to sit them separately.

She wasn’t causing disruption - just wanted her mum. Get a grip.

OP didn’t demand the invite. Read the thread.

Lots of posters deciding it’s the cousins step children. There’s a disparity here however much you and other poster want to deny it. Whenever a female OP who is a step parent posts about her step children being excluded from her own family events she’s invariably told it’s her fault and she’s the worst step parent ever for not ensuring her own family treat her step kids as wider family. Explain to me why a step dad is not held to the same standard ?

Why ?

Agree. It’s either all shit or all sugar. Step mums are ripped to shreds if they don’t ensure that their own family treat the step kids as wider family. Clearly step dads are not held to the same standard. It’s batshit.

There often are people saying one or both parents in a blended family should ensure the step DC are invited to events on both sides, it's true, but such threads usually also feature posts pointing out that you can only blend the bits of a family you're in charge of and you can't actually force invitations. The two sides often exchange views at great length!

OP has not said what relation the bride/groom is to her DH. Family wise, it's probably going to be a sibling or a cousin or a nibling, or possibly a parent. The relative might be a half-sibling etc

Most people have more cousins than siblings, so while I said I wouldn't invite my cousin's step-children, that's because my cousin is the only relative I have who has stepchildren, unless you count my aunt who has a stepson who I've never met as he was an adult when my aunt married his father.

Bizarre. It makes me feel sad for the possible stepchildren in these posters families. There’s a good chance that it’s Mumsnet bravado, of course…

I do think a lot of it is bravado and rage baiting. I can imagine anyone going on the school run and being so openly horrible about a nine year old in front of other people in the real world. It wouldn’t happen. They use MN as an outlet to feel superior and powerful which is tragic.

You’re right. They always come out with the most batshit things around stepchildren and then finish off with some buff that ‘in the real world’ that people don’t think like you or I. In the actual real world, you’d stand the chance of being chinned for speaking so lowly of an innocent child.