Birthday gift? Ungrateful?

[TaraW20]

So it's my birthday today.
I have been with DH for 12 years and he's rubbish with gifts to the stage where the last few years I've asked for nothing because previous years I would ask for stuff and end up woih things I didn't like.

When its other peoples birthdays I try never to get a voucher as I prefer to give people something they want or will give a voucher if thats what's asked. This is purely my opinion but I think vouchers can look a bit thoughtless especially from a spouse. So I got a primark voucher today.

I also got a laptop. I am trying to complete my degree and our laptop is rubbish as its an old chromebook I started looking for a new one around October last year and DH said he knows more about laptops so he would find one. I said ok but as long as its not expensive.
Hes started doing things at his work that he needs a laptop for so turned round to me a few days ago and I im just gonna tell you I've bought you a laptop for your birthday because I was using the one we have last week and its rubbish so since we both need it I got one. I said okay thanks hope it was an okay price and its expensive more than im comfortable in spending.

I can see how I seem ungrateful but its something we need and have needed for 6 months and now its to be seen as an extravagant present?

To be fair he said to me at the start of the month when I said I needed to buy new work shoes that they would be my birthday present.

This is why I ask for nothing because I get made out to be ungrateful for getting things I dont want, dont ask for or things that are needed and they've to seen as a present.

AIBU to be a but upset and feel a bit worthless?

He didn't really get you anything...a voucher from the joint account. For primark. I only buy basic stuff there...though dd got a gorgeous dress there last year.

Work shoes and laptop are more essentials.

So treat yourself to what you actually want.

Your husband highlighted that the equipment you use because you won't spend money yourself was not good enough to complete your degree ... So bought you a new laptop and your moaning??

How does that make sense

I’m just going to assume that anyone who thinks you’re BU is used to extremely low standards in their relationship because you are not being ungrateful at all, he’s been completely thoughtless and basically gifted himself something via you.

Saying that, he’s clearly not going to change and gifting you isn’t important to him. You either leave or accept you’ll never get decent gifts and just do your own thing for your birthday.

I'd be so disappointed. I'd say thanks, buy myself something I wanted from the joint account and then hope he didn't ask for anything for his birthday unless he wants a new (insert household item here).
You can be rubbish at buying presents but unless you have one braincell you know the person you're with and must know one little thing they like be it chocolate/flowers.

So you got a laptop (not an insubstantial present)? Sorry but I think you are being a little immature.

I get it OP, I’d be disappointed. You both need the laptop so it’s not really a proper gift. You choosing/buying work shoes and him giving you money is also naff, just doesn’t feel like a present.

Life was simpler when we were kids. Open our presents with excitement and we're happy with what we got.

Makes perfect sense if you read ops posts properly. He only "realised" it wasn't good enough when he wanted to use it. And told op she wouldn't be capable of buying the right thing.
None of the things he bought are proper gifts unless asked for and they weren't.
My dh has paid for shoes and trainers before for me and my dd bought new bedding for Mothers Day because that's what I asked for. Completely different to someone buying necessities and dressing it up as a gift.

Jesus christ. What's wrong with mn lately? No one seems capable of comprehending what an op says.

I despair at the cool wife replies.

A present should be meaningful and thoughtful. A good present is about person A thinking about person B and using their own noggin to choose something for them. The price of it is rarely, if ever, a value factor for the recipient.

OP got:
Work shoes she had to go out and find, choose and pay for, then got transferred money.
A laptop that isn't the one she needed, purchased from joint funds, purely because the husband wanted it.
A voucher for a shop she doesn't buy from.

None of those are presents in the "birthday gift" sense, they are just purchases for everyday use. I don't accept the attitude that people are "bad" at buying presents. They have got eyes and ears and they know the person. That's all it takes, along with the care to bother.

He bought a laptop for your birthday to pass off as a gift because he needs one, that is not a gift for you.

Then has the cheek to use your joint account to buy you a voucher.

I would not be shocked if he was part funded the laptop from work.

This man does not see you or appreciate you.

I did read and understand it.

Ok so he is selfish and thoughtless when it comes to gifts.
The answer is to give him a list next time, maybe share an Amazon list, and just accept this is the way he is.
And buy yourself what you need when you need it without waiting for him.

BUT is this the only way that he is selfish, thoughtless, lazy and inconsiderate?
In what other ways does he show you that he has thought of you, or thought about you, and done something just for you, not for him?
Does he bring you cups of tea without you asking?
Does he make your favourite meals sometimes without you asking?
Does he de-ice your car for you? Iron your clothes? Can you think of any little things he does that show he cares?
If not, then you have a much bigger problem than him being crap at gifts.

That's pretty crap, but tbh we don't really do birthday presents anymore as if we want or need something we just buy it, we tend to just do a card and some chocolates then go out for a nice meal, we're both rubbish at presents and I hate having to buy something for the sake of it so we just don't anymore. Maybe say to him in future to do the same so at least you won't be disappointed and you don't have to waste your time getting him something.

I feel like you need to let this one go.

I asked my husband for a new horse riding helmet for xmas. I finally got it for my birthday in march after I ordered it myself and told him how much it cost (irrelevant as the money came out of our joint account which he pays far more into anyway...)

If the marriage is good then dont bother focusing on the present thing

I actually think the laptop is a really thoughtful present and he probably thinks he’s really helping you out. I have to admit that I’d be miffed that it would’ve taken for him to need a laptop for yourself to get one - and for it to be the one he wanted as well. I don’t agree with that. Does he mean well or is he being selfish? I also don’t agree with when you needed it 6 months ago, he basically told you you couldn’t get one yourself. He may know more about computers but I HATE that control and put down.

If you need something for yourself, you should be allowed to do the research and find out what’s best yourself and not be told that you’re wrong and not allowed to have your own agency.

there are plenty of computers that would have been completely fine for you to have gotten

I guess it also depends on what your finances are like.

You seem all over the place here. You keep saying you didn’t want anything, and then you discount the things you did get as not presents (the shoes, the laptop) so then… you got what you asked for (nothing) plus a voucher from the kids so you could get some new clothes as a treat. It being for Primark seems sensible as you seem to prefer basic and cheap over higher end things and I’m sure you’d be upset if it was for a more expensive shop. Husband couldn’t win here it seems.

Id prefer honestly to feel listened to.

Im not disagreeing with anyone hence how im asking for opinions as mine might not be right or the way everyone sees it but since its my post and just to give a bit of perspective...
For the last 6 months I have had to go to the library to do my uni work. Its taken 6 months and him now needing a laptop for it to get done. It didn't matter that I've needed it for my degree is how I've seen it. If it had been dealt with 6 months ago when I said about it it wouldn't of been able to of been considered as a birthday present but i feel like he's clutched at making it look like (especially to other people) he has bought me an extravagant gift. I dont appreciate expensive things and did go off my own back and go into currys and ask the guy in there what one would suit and he even without me saying about price suggested one alot cheaper. Told DH this but no he wants the expensive one. So my feelings aren't considered on something thats now "my gift" which is what he wants. That's like someone saying i want this is blue and I go well I like the red one so ill buy you the red one.

Also the trainers(which I've still not bought) was clutching at stars and he even admits that and I said to him he needs new work trousers will I buy you new ones for your birthday in a few weeks. His response.... thats not really a present. I feel like a wee bit of a double standard there. Again just my opinion and how its made me feel.

I dont go shoping again and yes this one may be a bit shitty from me but when the shop closes at 10pm and the vouchers bought last minute at 9:41 the day before and just handed to you. Yes this is why I would prefer nothing because atleast when theres nothing im not put in the awkward position of either having to act like I like something that I dont or being the arsehole that says I don't like/want it.

And yeah it probably does go deeper routed than just a present because as I said for years I would be asked what I wanted and never got anything for a birthday or Christmas that was what I voiced and then it does make me feel like im not worthy of anything and that my opinion doesn't matter. Maybe this is why the voucher made me feel this way as it was like a last ditch attempt for just something and I said previously (and not anything against anyone who buys vouchers as presents) i think they are impersonal and I only give vouchers if thats what a person asks for but when he knows I feel like way about vouchers and to then do it I feel like its a bit of a slap in face. As I've said that just my opinion and everyone's entitled to have a different one

That does all feel rubbish! Please do yourself a favour and stand up for yourself more. It would be easy to get stuck in a rut accepting this life but if he won’t take a hint then you need to be more direct. It would be lovely if he was thoughtful and a great gift buyer but he clearly is not. You’re going to have decades of disappointment if you expect different next year (or at Christmas, anniversaries etc). For future events, think about what you actually want (that isn’t ’him to be better at gift buying’ or martyring yourself with something rubbish you don’t really want but will settle for in the hopes that someone will step in and improve (because they won’t)) and state whatever you want. Be really clear and direct. Yes, maybe you shouldn’t have to, but you do have to, so do it and at least the present will be one less disappointment, even if the thought still isn’t there. Failing that, say you’re buying your own present and get it out of the joint account yourself. Control the controllables otherwise you’re going to be unhappy year after year.

It sounds really thoughtless. He now needs a better laptop so he's bought one, didn't care enough to do it when it was just you struggling along into the library and he's claiming it's your birthday present. I don't see this improving when you've been putting up with it for 12 years

And this is why my husband and I don’t really do birthday / Christmas presents, so we don’t get to the stage where we buy something we need and label it at as a present for convenience.

Of course they have plenty for adults. What a weird take. I buy bits in there in my 40s. My mum bought her first item there ever in her 70s. It was her first hoody and she loves how warm it is.

They also have a decent range of bedding and other homeware and toiletries if you don't like the clothes.

For the OP I'm not quite getting it. Is it that you wanted nothing because he gets shit presents but actually you don't really want nothing you want something thoughtful. Which you didn't get. And a non-thoughtful present is worse than no presents? I think you've tied yourself in knots not knowing what you actually want and that makes it impossible for him to know either.

I prefer 'needed' presents for my birthday or vouchers am I odd? I just don't like stuff that I don't want or need around the house, If I did I'd end up with tonnes of candles or random crap

My last birthday I got my mum to pay for bras and socks , as I needed them and yes I can afford them but she wanted an idea so I suggested that.

I do too. I generally hate presents and refuse any of them but if someone absolutely insists then getting me something I need so I'm able to spend my own money on stuff I want is the best thing.

I need new brake pads next week. If it was my birthday coming up and someone wanted to contribute to paying for those as a present I'd be over the moon and far happier than with anything else.

I get it. He's got a laptop cos HE needs a better one now and called it your birthday gift whilst he gets to use it too. That's not a gift solely for you. You're not ungrateful. He's being selfish