Birthday gift? Ungrateful?

[TaraW20]

So it's my birthday today.
I have been with DH for 12 years and he's rubbish with gifts to the stage where the last few years I've asked for nothing because previous years I would ask for stuff and end up woih things I didn't like.

When its other peoples birthdays I try never to get a voucher as I prefer to give people something they want or will give a voucher if thats what's asked. This is purely my opinion but I think vouchers can look a bit thoughtless especially from a spouse. So I got a primark voucher today.

I also got a laptop. I am trying to complete my degree and our laptop is rubbish as its an old chromebook I started looking for a new one around October last year and DH said he knows more about laptops so he would find one. I said ok but as long as its not expensive.
Hes started doing things at his work that he needs a laptop for so turned round to me a few days ago and I im just gonna tell you I've bought you a laptop for your birthday because I was using the one we have last week and its rubbish so since we both need it I got one. I said okay thanks hope it was an okay price and its expensive more than im comfortable in spending.

I can see how I seem ungrateful but its something we need and have needed for 6 months and now its to be seen as an extravagant present?

To be fair he said to me at the start of the month when I said I needed to buy new work shoes that they would be my birthday present.

This is why I ask for nothing because I get made out to be ungrateful for getting things I dont want, dont ask for or things that are needed and they've to seen as a present.

AIBU to be a but upset and feel a bit worthless?

She's already stated she was going to buy one but her husband said not to because she apparently would end up buying the wrong one

I think that since he's passed the laptop off as a present for you, you need to have it in your possession and be using it. Keep it in your laptop bag or in your car, rather than set up on a desk at home. Don't let it become a jointly owned laptop - it's your birthday present and if he wants to use it occasionally, he must ask to borrow it and of course, your work takes priority! It's childish but it makes a point.

I totally get where you are coming from - it's better to get nothing, than to get a gift which isn't a gift and that just highlights the lack of thought or care.

Your h sounds like a selfish prick tbh and you are going to have to make some decisions and take more control of your own life, if you want your life to change.
You need to be very clear that work shoes etc are necessities, not gifts and stop being so afraid to spend money on yourself. You are just as important as he is and he seems to have no issue in spending on himself. You have to learn to prioritise yourself a bit more - that means if you need something, you buy it and don't struggle for 6 months going without! You never needed your h permission to buy a laptop and you ought to have told him you were going to buy one and if he had a helpful opinion he had X number of days to share it! Then go ahead and buy what you needed. You are allowed to disregard his opinions.

Make sure that you are getting your fair share of the income and that you aren't contributing disproportionately to the joint account, while he keeps more of his income just for himself. I don't know how you organise finances but if you both have your own accounts and a joint one, make sure the contribution to the joint one is proportionate to income and not a straight 50/50. You sound like you need to be more careful financially, while he's got more freedom.

You also have to be way more vocal about shitty effort on his part - don't let him spin his tightness into something which looks good for other people but is actually rubbish for you.

Honestly, he's not sounding like a prince amongst men and I'm wondering what his good points are because you don't come across as someone who is being treated like a priority in the relationship.

He is an arse to buy a laptop because he needs one and claim it’s your present. I will however send him links in the future to things that I do want as a present and expect him to order, wrap and present to me on my birthday. That way you ensure you get what you want and are happy about your present. I do think you sound a bit confusing when you say you don’t ask or want anything but then expect him to come up with the perfect present. Just be clear and specific about what you want and stop expecting him to come up with the best ideas when you know he’s rubbish at it. I think you are both being unreasonable.

Your h sounds like a selfish prick tbh and you are going to have to make some decisions and take more control of your own life, if you want your life to change.
You need to be very clear that work shoes etc are necessities, not gifts and stop being so afraid to spend money on yourself. You are just as important as he is and he seems to have no issue in spending on himself. You have to learn to prioritise yourself a bit more - that means if you need something, you buy it and don't struggle for 6 months going without!

This is great advice. OP you should really take it.

It’s the Primark voucher I’d have an issue with. Sheesh, how tacky! Actively encouraging you to buy from the high streets best know sweatshop. Grim!

And? I would have ignored him and bought one myself, not gone to the library.

You needed a laptop.
He said he would sort it.
He didn't sort it for six months.

Why didn't you just go and sort it yourself in the previous six months?

So the laptop doesn’t sound like it’s for your exclusive use? So you will both use it, is that right? In which case, no, it isn’t a present, it’s a joint asset which no doubt you will only be able to use, when he doesn’t need it.
The shoes, boring for sure, but useful, and really you do need to try them on, shoe sizes never seem uniform, and there is no way I’d want anyone buying me shoes I hadn’t tried first. So on that one, yes you are being a little bit unreasonable. I guess you could have bought them sooner and given them to him to wrap up for you.
the primark voucher is risible, and I’m not surprised you’re upset.
Some people are just shite at buying presents, my dd is a case in point, but I think it’s because she’s autistic and so she simply cannot imagine what somebody else would like. When buying presents for her friends I have to help her, as she really struggles, it’s not because she’s unkind, it’s because she simply cannot put herself in someone else’s shoes, and then she panics and worries she’s got it wrong, and then buying gifts becomes a big issue and makes it even harder for her next time round, and then it becomes something she wants to avoid. She also hates being given presents, because she doesn’t know how to say thank you / show gratitude, which then sets in the panic, I think her idea of heaven would be no gift giving EVER and no receiving of gifts EVER! . Other people simply can’t be arsed and don’t care. Some people are just plain selfish and begrudge giving gifts, so go for the cheapest option available. Some people lack imagination so just give the same gift over and over, and some people go to great pains to find the right gift. Gift giving is definitely a social skill!
Your husband sounds like he’s in the can’t be arsed category, in which case I completely understand why you are up set, because it’s not about the gift, it’s about him not caring. It’s not about grand gestures, a gift doesn’t have to be expensive, just a little bit of thought and effort for the person he loves. It’s not a big ask really, is it?
Anyway happy belated birthday OP.

I just don’t know why people put up with this level of indifference and half-arsed shit from their partners. If you act like a door mat you’ll get walked over. Raise the bar op. Back yourself and expect better.

I don't know what people aren't getting here. Things that you're in the process of buying anyway, because you need them, are not presents. "Happy birthday, I got you a new kettle to replace the broken one, even though you told me you were planning on picking one up next week and I drink more hot drinks than you. Why are you not more grateful!?"

In my opinion YANBU. He now needs a laptop so used your birthday as an excuse to get one rather than doing it 6mths ago when you mentioned it, so yes I'd be hurt as well. The shoes, I get and my hubby would of done the same so YABU there and the voucher does sound like a last minute thing. I think unfortunately you just need to suck it up

I completely get it. He basically got himself a laptop you can use too AND got himself out of the birthday gift situation. No real thought for you. So I would have preferred nothing at all too. And this is obviously not your first rodeo. Maybe you need to get him a hoover for his birthday. And he can use it all the time by himself. Some people just don't understand what a gift is about and I am afraid you won't be able retrain him. Just make sure your children learn how to give. You doing their future spouses a big favour xxx

You’re not ungrateful, ignore all the comments that seem to be from people who accept the absolute scrapings from the barrel of misery.

you deserve to feel cherished and loved and appreciated and understood by the person you choose to spend your life with. It’s that simple. And you don’t, so either call it out, or make plans to choose a better life for yourself, but life is too short to accept it.

happy birthday- go do beautiful things for yourself, you deserve it 🥰

You are right about one thing - it’s childish. (Plus leaving it in the car all the time??!)

‘Retrain him’? Wow.

What a horrible way of putting something.

Given how many people on MN think that flowers/chocolates /candles or wine are great presents (regardless of the recipients tastes) it’s not only men that can’t give presents.

Why not give it back to him as it is just causing resentment then buy yourself on and forget about presents (both of you) going forward.

@TaraW20 I don’t expect dh to buy me a surprise present at all. It just won’t be my taste and he has no taste and certainly won’t shop where I do! So, for years, we have an agreement that I get what I want when I see it. So often antique jewellery or a lovely handbag. Sometimes modern jewellery from a maker I admire. I’m a bit particular. So is he, so we agree on freedom to choose. He does choose flowers and champagne though! Lap top? Hmm. Not much fun is it?

And given she usually shops at Vinted and home bargains, it’s a frivolous treat of a voucher too as she wouldn’t normally shop there or get new clothes.

It’s not like she usually shops as Hobbs or Oliver Bonas and has got a Primark voucher (and no judgement, I shop mostly at Vinted and Primark!), or a £10 voucher for one of those shops where she’ll have to put her own money too. It’s the definition of a frivolous treat.

What exactly DID you want for your birthday from him?

Wheras my choice of word " retrain " was arguably the wrong one the issue is with OP's husband - therefore male. That doesn't mean in any way that he is representatives of all men. It's not a gender issue. It's about people being thoughtful. So I don't know how this has become a gender issue. It's about more and more give without wasting a single thought on the recipient. Of course she could buy her own gift. But that fails the point. I think she wishes to be be seen by her husband and would love a gift that make her all warm inside.

And that’s your preference. My mum is similar - she sees something and I will get it for her for her birthday or whatever, even if it isn’t actually near her birthday! She loves flowers too.

I personally hate flowers and I don’t drink. And when I have been presented with flowers at work for a birthday or at an event, I have REALLY hated having to schlep home on the train with them and then not know really what to do with them. Good job there is a bin outside the train station

For me, a laptop is much more exciting than flowers and champagne! Although it depends on the spec of course 😬

I agree it isn’t a gendered issue.

My parents give me cash for birthday and Christmas (there is nobody else in the family) and I don’t get presents from anyone else. But that to me is thoughtful as it allows me to spend it on what I like. Others may think it’s ‘joyless’.

And adults don’t need ‘training’ or ‘retraining’.

You could put your heart and souls into sourcing the best present ever, taking into account the recipient and their wishes but it might not make her feel ‘warm inside’ - and it’s unfair to expect anyone to be responsible for that.

Isn't the issue more that he's controlling the finances? When did you give him that power.?

Family money is family money. Stop asking and just get what you need.

I'm afraid you're in an abusive relationship if you need to ask for things like shoes that are needed.

Ref your present, at lest you get to choose what you want, but from Primarni? Really?

I don’t understand why you waited 6 months for him to buy a laptop.

Surely if you desperately needed one and he’s know more about them, then you’d wait a couple of weeks max and if he still hasn’t found one then you’d buy it yourself.

You can pay monthly and so it’s not like you had to save up for it.

That being said, I am hoping he got you a box of chocolates or a nice takeaway for your birthday.
I am not big into gifts and attention but a cheap box of chocs or a nice tea is the least someone can do to show their appreciation and make you feel special on your day.

Again with the generic thoughtless present though (unless OP likes chocolates).