Birthday gift? Ungrateful?

[TaraW20]

So it's my birthday today.
I have been with DH for 12 years and he's rubbish with gifts to the stage where the last few years I've asked for nothing because previous years I would ask for stuff and end up woih things I didn't like.

When its other peoples birthdays I try never to get a voucher as I prefer to give people something they want or will give a voucher if thats what's asked. This is purely my opinion but I think vouchers can look a bit thoughtless especially from a spouse. So I got a primark voucher today.

I also got a laptop. I am trying to complete my degree and our laptop is rubbish as its an old chromebook I started looking for a new one around October last year and DH said he knows more about laptops so he would find one. I said ok but as long as its not expensive.
Hes started doing things at his work that he needs a laptop for so turned round to me a few days ago and I im just gonna tell you I've bought you a laptop for your birthday because I was using the one we have last week and its rubbish so since we both need it I got one. I said okay thanks hope it was an okay price and its expensive more than im comfortable in spending.

I can see how I seem ungrateful but its something we need and have needed for 6 months and now its to be seen as an extravagant present?

To be fair he said to me at the start of the month when I said I needed to buy new work shoes that they would be my birthday present.

This is why I ask for nothing because I get made out to be ungrateful for getting things I dont want, dont ask for or things that are needed and they've to seen as a present.

AIBU to be a but upset and feel a bit worthless?

I get it OP - no thought at all, and really its just the actual thought we want.
My husband was going to buy my dream motorbike for my birthday- but we dont have space for another bike and seeing as I am the only one that works it would be my money paying for it.... sort of a cop out as a thoughtful present.

Most people like some sort of chocolate.

If OP doesn’t then something she does like.

Just a token of appreciation is the least a loved one can do on someone’s birthday.

No most people assume that. If you know the person and their tastes that’s great but assuming it’s a suitable ‘one size fits all’ present is fairly thoughtless.

you have to play the hand you're dealt. OP's husband has bought himself a laptop and passed it off as a present for her. He ignored that she needed a laptop until he needed one. If that's how he wants to play it, then I stand by my advice that OP takes charge of 'her' gift and claims it.
I bet the h goes out and buys another one for himself, but at least the OP will have had something she needs and will use.

Then I hope he DOES - something with an insane spec
that costs an obscene amount of money 😬

Why don’t you just choose something you do want and give him exact instructions?

My husband is ok with gifts, sometimes spot on and better than I could have thought of for myself, other times very thoughtful but not at all wanted.

This year he was gearing up for my birthday with some odd comments so I just sent him a link, size, colour etc and he got me exactly what I wanted. It wasn’t magical but I love it and he was relieved!

Voting has finished but I just wanted to say you are not being unreasonable. I would be tempted to cover my new laptop in lots of flower stickers and bright pink rhinestones 💐

So he needed a laptop and has bought the one he needs as your birthday present. Hmmmm. Can you do the same for him op?
Buy him something that you will use/benefit from when it’s his birthday.
As for a Primark voucher, well it’s hardly John Lewis is it. I would not appreciate that at all.

To me this sounds like it’s about being thoughtful and love languages rather than the specifics of each ‘present’.

he’s not showing you he cares, try being specific about what you want him to do - I want you to pick something that’s just for me, I can give you guidance, but I’m not buying it myself!

how does he like to be cared for? What’s his love language?

my husband is rubbish at presents, I’m also not the best - it’s got harder over time! He often asks for something practical, like a leaf blower (!) which is for his use but really is ‘for the house’. I generally give him a few suggestions, but when life has been busy (newborns!) just ordered a few nice things.

however… my husband is thoughtful. He shows me he cares every day by getting home as soon as he can to help with bedtime (he does mornings alone!) as he knows it’s hard work, regarding gifts he always
phones me when he’s in duty free and picks up whatever I ask for.

YANBU - the double standards and not buying things as and when they are needed efficiently so you can tag them as a present would annoy me. Using your birthday to get something he wants now but you needed more than wanted ages ago is striking. Time to stop this charade for sure.

I don’t think that many people are good at presents, certainly a lot less than the number who think they are - especially when they have to be tied to a specific date.

DH and I freed ourselves of this obligation/pressure to buy meaningful date specific gifts decades ago, and slowly dropped it with other adults over the years too (exception young adult son who will send us a list, other young adults it is specific wanted item or cash too. Things he needs but we want to help out by buying are not date specific). We just buy what we need/want - big ticket items we discuss first e.g. a laptop but definitely don’t make anyone wait for a date if it isn’t for a cash flow reason.

Thats okay. Like I said in my previous post, he can go and spaff a load of money on a high spec machine and lock it away so the OP can’t use it (what’s good for the goose etc..)

Win/win - OP gets to be PA and make sure he can’t use it and DH reciprocates.

Now there is a plan! 🌸 💝😂

Just buy a laptop with your own money and ask him to take you out for dinner.

Seriously! have you lost your sense of humour this morning Livia 😆

Your DH is an arse OP. He didn’t buy you a laptop, he bought himself a laptop. He isn’t rubbish at gifts, he chooses to be. This is not going to change because you have already put up with it for 12 years, so I would say you need to decide if you’re prepared to put up with it any longer.

If you are genuinely prepared to accept the fact he’s “rubbish” with gifts then I would tell him that from now on you want cash in an envelope or a voucher from a shop you use all the time for every single gift he gives you and you can then pick yourself a present. Do not set yourself up for disappointment every year. And then do exactly the same for him.

Oh okay - I didn’t realise it was supposed to be funny - perhaps an indicator on a post like it being funny could be useful in future 😬

@LiviaDrusillaAugustait's okay to be a bit rubbish at buying presents - it's a social skill that not everyone has. But everyone can try. What's not okay is to make no effort, or worse, to buy something that he needsand to pass that off as a gift. Or to buy himself necessities ( like work clothes ) but to spin those as presents, when it comes to his partner. It speaks of a meanness of spirit.
He is literally saying to the OP that his needs are important, but hers, not so much.

And when people try and still get it wrong?

Clothes? Shoes? Accessories? Toiletries? Make up? Home decor?

Its perfectly fine to say you're not a fan of primark and wouldnt like a voucher for your birthday, but this faux-naive "surely nobody actually shops in one of the biggest chains in the UK?" shtick is just cringeworthy. Just say "I think primark is shit and judge anyone who shops there" and own your snobbery!

@TaraW20 I’d have a conversation that goes “you said if I get you trousers now it won’t be a present. So that is the same as my shoes and also now you want a new laptop, it is ok to get one and say that’s my present when I needed it 6 months ago” none of this will change if you let him treat you like a doormat? If it’s joint money he’s not in charge?

@LiviaDrusillaAugustaif someone makes an effort but doesn't get the perfect gift, then so be it. I don't always get it right when buying for my dh - sometimes I've been spot on and other times I've got it wrong. But I've never bought something for me and passed it off as a gift for him. Or told him that work shoes are a birthday present.
People can usually tell if you've tired and that's what matters. OP is sad about the lack of thought.

I’m not sure that he can win then, can he? You said you wanted nothing. He financed some things you needed and you’re not happy?
Is the problem that you want him to buy you something that is thoughtful and shows that he loves/knows you?

You cant really tell how much effort someone has made surely?

Can't you? In OPs case it would have been in her h researching decent laptops and buying her one when she needed it. Not transferring money for work shoes - I mean, you don't get much more obviously low effort than a bank transfer for an essential item! A Primark voucher is something you get for a teenager, unless the recipient has recently mentioned wanting to do a big shop there in the near future. It's showing that you know the person you are buying for and have thought a bit about what they are interested in or would love (but couldn't justify buying for themselves).
The laptop would have been fine if he'd bought it when she needed it and wasn't passing off something that he's only bought because he needs it too, as a gift for her.