Mothers of straight young men 25-35YO - what are your boys up to?

[SleepRelay]

Asking for DD (26) and at least 3 of her girlfriends… All good, beautiful, smart, professional young women with family values, none can find love. Men spend a few weeks wooing them, get what they were after and ghost them immediately or come up with some story why it would not work. One is still a virgin as she has seen enough of that and does not to “waste” it. Occasionally, they meet men through work or social contacts, but mostly on dating apps.

She came home last night and started a serious conversation about freezing her eggs.

So, my question is where are the decent, working, respectful young men? They are not in gyms, mine is full of much older or much younger. What are your boys saying about dating scene? Are they on apps? Sorry about the rambling, I just would like to know what it’s like on the other side.

Mine is currently single. He met his last girlfriend through a mixed sex sport and previous ones at university (he’s a PhD student).

Both of the exes I met were very nice but one was also very high maintenance and the other would have (rare) temper tantrums then give the silent treatment.

He has seen my and DH’s calm relationship so he wants something similar. I think they learn to spot red flags early on so will end things sooner.

I’m early 30s and tbh most straight men I know are in relationships. I met my husband when I was 25 on a dating app and I have lots of other friends who met partners on dating apps including some in the past few years. But you do come across a lot of weirdos in the process. I wasn’t necessarily doing it to look for a serious relationship at that point though, more just for fun and then if I met anyone I could see something serious with, it was a bonus.

Other friends met partners at uni, work, nights out, through friends.

Covid stopped three of my nieces from meeting a vast range of men their own age at uni, because they studied from home.

I agree, that's a really weird thing to think/say.

Same here. From what I hear, most of his best mates from school are also in LTR with uni gfs or are working crazy hours to climb the corporate ladder. Or both.

Ds1 is 29 He has been buying his own house since he was 22. He has a great job. He single after heand his gf broke up last year fo wanting different things from their relationship. The fall out wasn't bitter and they still occasionly socialise and are still friends.

Ds 2 is 26.He too has been buying a house since he was 22 but this time with his girlfriend. He absolutely loves her to bits and they have many shared hobbies they do together but also have some separate interests and friendship groups. She brings the best out of him.

This also describes my brother - he is 32. He has worked hard to have the career he has and also owns 3 properties that he lets out, in addition to his own 4 bed house. He is very active and can be found at the swimming pool (sometimes multiple times a day) or playing football/watching his team at all of their home and away games... none of which really lead to meeting anyone new, and he has lost touch with most of his friends from uni and school, despite living in the same area as where we grew up. He loves my son (his only nephew) and I can see he would be such a good dad, if he had someone to make a life with but as he isnt into drinking/clubbing and works mostly remotely, he needs to make some kind of change to make it happen which I think is scary for him as he doesnt want to get it "wrong" or upset someone.

He is confident (in a good, not cocky way!) mature and sensible with a great sense of humour and interesting to talk to (has lived abroad, speaks other languages etc). He has his own home, car and comfortable savings as his biggest costs are following his football team... he has been on a few dates in the past with girls he liked but they still all lived with their parents, werent interested in moving out and preferred to priortise saving for cars/holidays/clothes and he didn't feel they were overly compatible.

My husband also (just) fits into that category, but we got together when I was still at uni and he was on a grad scheme nearly 18 years ago. We had a "year of weddings" in 2016 where most of the couples we knew got married aged around 30, after buying property a few years before (we are SW London based, so all were in well paid professional careers) and now we all have kids.

Not all men want to settle down, not all of them want to be tied to someone else.
Damed if they do Damed if they dont.

Im a woman in that category I dont want to be tied down or have kids, I dont want marriage either.
I dont want all the drama of a relationship.
I'll stick to one night stands.

OP your post implies that the men are the problem - have you considered that your DD and her friends are the reason their relationships with men aren’t developing?

For example, it sounds pretty intense to be discussing freezing eggs at 26.

My DH has a son and a daughter in your age category - his daughter is a nightmare, she wants a perfect relationship with long term commitment within a week of meeting someone and has therefore been through many a breakup in the past few years.

Our eldest together is early 20’s and by comparison is much more laid back than her sister, she has a boyfriend who is 23, they met at work, both at uni and seem to have a lovely relationship so far.

Does not live at home.

DS (33) just got engaged to his partner (32) who he met on Tinder nearly 9 years ago. They have lived together since about a month after they met. Bought house last year. Both graduates working in different parts of the public sector. DS didn't return home to live after university, rented a flat straightaway. He was with his previous girlfriend, who he met on his year abroad, for nearly 3 years.

All their friends of the same age are either in long term relationships, married, and some expecting first child. None are still dating.

My 25 year old son has just bought his first house with his girlfriend he met at Uni

My 26 year old son has just moved in with his girlfriend, they’ve bought their own home. They’re both very career focused right now but talk about having children in a few years time.

My 26 year old has a really good job working for a water company. Split from his girlfriend of 5 years last year ( we were all very sad about it) the relationship had run its course. He's lovely, kind, funny, respectful. He dresses nicely and is blonde 6' 1" tall.

He lives with his dad ( my ex husband) but is saving madly for a house. I know he's on dating sites again but having little luck.

Hes a definite catch for the right person.

I think the ones who want to settle are, well, already settled down? Then you have the men who are happy to remain single.

I think these sorts of men come off the dating apps quite quickly when single, as they aren't going to mess about.

My son is early thirties - married, kid, mortgage, good job. Great dad, great provider, great husband according to his wife, and they each maintain an equitable balance of teamwork and autonomy, family life and outside interests. Their daughter's the most charming, self-possessed, well-behaved child, and frankly if I could think of anyway to claim credit for any of it, I would.

all of my friends in those age ranges are busy carving out a career - either in banking or engineering - work pretty long hours and I’m pretty sure one finds women irrational (he has a few ltr that don’t work out)

DS and DIL, 31.and 32, married early at 28/29, expecting their first child. He's an academic, she has a PR job. They live abroad. She was a bestie of a girl one of DS's besties met.

DD and BF: 27 and 29. Knew each other as children and got on then. Picked up with each other when dd finished uni and rejoined their old choir. Both very musical and very nerdy.

So, in summary, through existing friends and circles, just as DH and I met. Same seems to apply to their friends although a few have met through friends. They are on the wedding go round at the moment.

Mine met his partner at uni, living together, getting married.

This ^

and
I think your daughter and her friends need to just get on and live their life - pursue a career, have fun, travel, and if it's meant to be, it will be.

I have both ds and dd in that age bracket, and obviously know a lot of their friends, and also nieces and nephews, God children, and my own friends dc.
This is SUCH a strange opening post.

1 of my dc is married and the other two 'young free and single' and happy with where they are in life.
If any of them met new people who were talking about freezing their eggs and finding love and settling down in the first few weeks of meeting someone, all the decent young people I now in that age range would be running a mile too.

My son is 35. Married and 2 dc

My 25 year old is happy seeing friends and having fun at the moment. He doesn’t want to “settle down” yet.

This or just not ready for commitment yet. If not ready for commitment, it doesn't in any way excuse ghosting or any other negative dishonest ways of acting by the blokes of course (which sadly we see too much of). I say this as someone who didnt want commitment myself until my mid 30s or so.

My nearly 25 yr old is career obsessed and having fun with his friends socialising.

not ready to settle down and wanted to become chartered as soon as he could which he has just achieved! Next step is buying a property and he will see where life takes him.

My son 26 yrs old came out of a 3 yr relationship, he ended it because she cheated on him and he realised they were not really happy or compatible many ways.
He doesn't feel ready to commit to a relationship but is on dating apps and makes it clear he is looking for casual contact.
What has happened though is the girl says she is looking for casual too but then she pressures for more commitment that he isn't able or doesnt want to give and it ends badly.
He says he is always honest about wanting casual contact.
Recently, he met a girl OLD,they chatted for a couple of weeks,went on a few dates and were intimate on a couple of occasions.
He noticed she had some extreme political views that didn't align with his own and she posted obsessively about her political opinions online and he said it suddenly thought this is not for me and stopped contacing her,she got very upset and kept badgering him for a reason for the "ghosting" .
He asked me how he should handle it. I suggested being truthful and explaining he didnt think they were compatible but wish her well.
She continued contacting him asking for an explanation as to why they weren't compatible. Eventually, he said he didn't think their political views aligned and that was a deal breaker for him. She posted his messages online and he was absolutely savaged .
Still saying he just wants casual fun and isnt short of it .
I just don't think he's ready for a relationship and feels theres no rush and doesnt want to make another mistake.