5 year old said this about coparent time - concerned but unsure

[penguinparty00]

My little boy is 5 and I co-parent we do not talk only to communicate when necessary about our son on an app) very strained but we never let show in our communication as it’s limited and only when needed. My little boy asked if we could get a dog and as the conversation took its natural course he mentioned that he really likes it when he gets to stay in on his own at his dads while his dads asleep and dads girlfriend takes their dog out.l, I said oh what do you mean and he said he gets to stay on his own on the sofa while his dads asleep in the mornings and his dads girlfriend takes the dog out, I said oh right you mean once garden and he said no for a walk around the estate they live on. I feel conflicted, on one hand what he does at his dads is really none of my concern but I can’t help but be concerned of the safety aspect of if this is true leaving a 5 year old in his own! Just looking
for advice, do I raise this is a message to
Coparent to try and understand it as there could be a huge chunk of information my little boy has missed out?

Your child seems fine with it so I'd leave it. I'd not message your ex about it.

Some kids would be too clingy/ demanding/ nervous to enjoy this, some would be too mischievous or risky to chance it with, but it sounds like he just enjoys a bit of time watching cartoons?

It's not unusual for a primary school aged child to go down and pop the TV on while a parent gets an extra bit of kip if they're up early on a weekend morning.

he presumably knows not to put the cooker, use knives or sharp scissors, or open the door if someone knocks it? his dads upstairs so if he screams dad should hear him. he should be fine. hes just chilling watching tv eating cereal presumably.

I think we let our kids go downstairs by themselves at about that age. As with your son, I think they liked that bit of independence (especially in your case where it sounds like you are always with him). They could always come and find one of us if there was a problem.

It's a funny one. DS will be up and about while we're in bed but wouldn't be allowed downstairs while we're fully asleep. I don't think it's a major concern. He's 5, he knows where his dad is. Gf presumably sets him up with breakfast first so he doesn't try to cook himself eggs or anything. My ex left my son age 2/3 home alone while he went to the shop... and also while he went out to smash a blokes head in with a bat... so it could be worse.

If this is your only concern then you're lucky. If its one of many concerns that feel like a pattern of neglectful or dangerous parenting. Add it to the file, it may be a significant piece of a puzzle, but it's not a picture in its own right.

At 5yo my dd got up before me, put the telly on and could get herself a bowl of cereal.

It’s telling that your ds has said he likes the independence at his dads, it’s sounds like you’re not giving him any time to himself.

So do you have someone awake whenever your son is asleep?

His dad is in the house. They haven’t left him alone while they go out for the day!

I agree OP it's not really OK.
A 5 year old is not old enough to be safe without someone in earshot and checking every so often. Lazy parenting.

Yep. All these risks. And some of them silent.

What’s wrong with that? At 5 my dd could get herself up, fetch a glass of milk, Cheerios and put the kids tv on. She would even help her younger sister with pouring the milk. I was only maybe 5m away of course and they did fetch me if there was a spillage for instance. Mine weren’t actually early risers but they liked snuggling up together on the sofa for an hour or so.

I think the problem, though, is it isn't just the things he knows to wake dad for that are the problem as much as the things he might decide to do himself - cut bread with a very sharp knife or climb up to peek in a cupboard etc - or the things he might not notice, such as he has left something flammable on a radiator getting hot or similar.

I think by 5 it's probably ok op, but I can understand why you feel hesitant as it isn't you in the house. If I ever went back to bed at the weekend, I left them with some quiet activity but knew my spidey senses were still switched on. Dads can be quite deep sleepers!

I think the fact the GF is returning after the walk adds another layer of security if something went wrong.

I used to get up on my own at that age and go downstairs and get my cereal.

Personally I wouldn’t do this but I know a lot of people do let their kids get up unsupervised. I feel 5 is a little too young in terms of household dangers but it’s a personal preference so you probably can’t dictate he doesn’t do that in his house.

Unless theres a reason to believe your child is likely to do something dangerous in the what 10 (ish) minutes it'd take for the gf to take the dog round the estate when dad is in the house if he needed anything yabu.

Perhaps cynically, I read this as a lazy-arse bloke who's got his girlfriend doing the parenting and dog-walking for him.

OP, I’d be much more concerned about the fact that your son “really likes it” when Dad’s asleep and Gf’s out. Is that because he can watch what he wants on telly, or is there some other reason? I’d want to find out.

Mmm as others have said, I would say it depends on the child and what dangers are in their reach!

But I am interested in his conversation about the dog! So he wants a dog just so that you can go out and leave him alone! That's unusual 😂.

Do not raise this with your ex. You will appear bonkers

My son is 8 now and has always been an early riser. When he was 5 we had a rule that he couldn't get up before 6 but after that he could go downstairs and he'd either play or watch cartoons. He's a sensible, reliable kid and we went through what was allowed to do and what he was absolutely not to do. There's a difference between lazy parenting and giving a tiny bit of independence in a safe manner.

I wouldn’t let my six year old get up on her own.

Some kids might be fine. It depends on what they’re like and on the general set up. But it’s still a risk.
Me and my sister used to get up on our own and that’s why I wouldn’t do it. Some of the things we used to do 🫣
Boil the kettle and make tea. Once I wanted hot milk so I poured it straight into the electric kettle 😬.
My sister wanted coffee once so used six spoons of instant coffee in a small mug and was determined to choke it down.
We used to stand on chairs to get stuff out of high cupboards including the calpol. We would take a spoon each just because we liked the taste.
I answered the door to travellers looking for tinned food donations once. When I went to search for some in the kitchen they stole my mum’s handbag which was hanging on a hook in the hallway.
My sister used to cut herself off big chunks of cheese from the block and she nearly choked one time.
It sounds like your kid is only on his own while the gf walks around the block though.
I think I would be a little bit concerned.
The main thing that stands out to me about your post is that you only communicate with your kid’s dad through an app. You’re not going to be able to co parent properly like this. You need to be able to discuss this sort of thing with each other.

Boil the kettle and make tea. Once I wanted hot milk so I poured it straight into the electric kettle 😬.

This is exactly what I used to do! It's the idea of independence goes to the head so you do more "grown up things."

The fact he says he likes it makes me wonder a bit op...

I think 5 is tricky. 7 he is definitely old enough, 3 I'd say no, they need wakeful supervision. For me 5 is a bit of a grey area being a long time in a room alone ...

I don’t think you need to worry. Your DS and exs girlfriend were clearly up at the same time, and she’s said to him she’s going out to walk the dog and probably said to wake his dad if he needs him. I’ll admit I don’t want my dd wandering the house if she wakes before us- she knows to stay in her room and play quietly, or sometimes she jumps into our bed. But that doesn’t sound like that’s what this is. And I doubt that ‘round the estate’ is very far.

this

Why do you only communicate via an app? Is there history there? It may be something, it may be nothing, but I would certainly not dismiss this as it may be part of a bigger pattern as someone has already said. Usually as a mother when you feel uneasy about something, there is a valid reason and I don’t think others should be so quick to tell you it’s “nothing” as we don’t have the full picture from the snapshot you have posted.

My 5 year old has SEN and every so often (maybe once a month) he will wake up at 3 am and won’t go back to sleep at all, no matter what we try. The only option is to take him downstairs and let him watch TV. I am not waking up at 3am when I have to be up for a full day of work at 6- fuck that. So yes, he sits alone for 3 hours while I’m asleep. Shoot me. Nothing could realistically happen to him, he just sits in the same spot watching TV. Same
for your DS, no doubt he’s also just watching TV while his dad sleeps.

I taught mine how to use the video player when he was four. It was that or get up at seven-thirty on a Saturday.