Is private always better?

[Privateschooldilemma]

DD is due to start a private prep in September. Me nor DH went to a private school and just want the best for our DD. The school is fairly traditional in its ethos and just in general (eg. Children still wear a boater, ties, kilts etc).

DD is very bright, confident, chatty, opinionated and is generally the leader when playing with a group of friends. Very quick thinking and head strong and always has been.

A friend of mine mentioned private school ‘whipping them into shape’ and basically instilling discipline and effectively dulling children’s personalities. We do also have some good state primaries near us and said friend said that she feels that children get to be children more at state schools vs private.

I’m worried that attending such a traditional school may ‘dull’ all of DD’s sparkle. I love how confident and chatty she is and how she isn’t afraid to speak up and give her opinion!

Would love to hear other people’s experience of private prep especially with a DD who seems similar mine!

IABU: all primaries are the same
IANBU: I’m right to be concerned about this.

She won't be pushed academically in a private primary school. She's more likely to be challenged at a state school. Private schools are big on "experiences " , which is lovely. For example, you might have a swimming pool on site for weekly lessons. She will have lots of sporting opportunities and of course, trips. Private schools are very popular with parents of SEND children because of the smaller classes.

'Cattle market'?

If it resulted in attitudes like this, I'd say it was a terrible education.

I was state educated in the cattle market.
Hence, I worked my arse off to make sure that my children didn’t have to endure the same

Good grief, who has an "end game" with their primary school child?

How can you possibly know what their adulthood will consist of?

You parents should have sent you to school, not a cattle market.

There seems to be lots of ignorance of both state and private sectors on here. You can’t generalise. The only thing to say is that there are amazing and terrible examples of both, and most fall somewhere in between. Go visit them and then decide.

That was quite obviously a typo. In any case criticising someone else's spelling is rude.

Criticising some people’s experience of the education system and ridiculing people’s parents is not rude ?

This is trotted out so often, but the truth is there’s absolutely no way you can tell by a visit.
Ofsted who were the so-called professionals can’t even get under the bonnet to see the realities of day-to-day life in a school. How mere immortal could be expected to is mind-boggling.
Its like suggesting a job interview is an adequate tool in which to make a decision to decide a career on.
Everyone just hopes for the best, pick something in your price range or that’s convenient for you and hope for the best.

Depends on what you’re after I guess.

You can buy contacts and social capital for sure.

I have a 16 year old son who has done exceptionally well at state school judging by his most recent mocks.

To cut a long story short his circle of friends outside of school is a group of privately educated boys the same age. Only one of them is on par with my son educationally but nevertheless my son is friends with them all. They do have more affluent lives and ways of looking at the world.

My sons social world I find a little bizarre tbh 🤦‍♀️. We live in a disadvantaged area and his school is a proper inner city state school. His friends absolutely live on an alternative universe to my son. My son only ever dates the posh girls too 🤦‍♀️.

My son goes to a lot of parties. Some are house parties on the estate that we live on. Other parties have gates and swimming pools so he likes a variety 😂. Having said that, we have just banned him for the foreseeable from private school parties. Various reasons. Access to more drugs being one of them and more sexual experiences with girls. Not necessarily a problem at 16 but for now we have said no whilst he concentrates on his GCSEs.

So back to the question, is it worth it? Probably depends on the child I suspect. For my son it really wasn’t worth it (talking like I had the choice here lol) but theoretically I have pondered on that and came to the conclusion, for him it would have been a waste. Educationally, he’s done very well at state school and socially he appears to be drawn to that crowd anyway, much to the amusement of me and my husband.

I guess it’s all relative, I certainly wouldn’t make myself poor to send kids to private school but if you’re already wealthy, it’s probably worth it.

I would say no. It depends on the school and your local state schools.

We’re in a Grammar area and I don’t think private schools would offer a better experience. The Grammar offered lots of music, sports, trips away and a variety of languages. And being selective, there are fewer children who are disinterested in education or likely to be disruptive.

Even local state primary schools have a high percentage of children passing the 11+ so prep schools aren’t really necessary.

However my sister left teaching a couple of years ago because of deteriorating behaviour in her leafy comprehensive - and poor senior leadership. In that situation, private is probably better.

Different settings suit different children. But my experience with friends' children is that those who are privately educated have more confidence, are better able to engage in conversation and have more resilience. This all pays off as they become adults. As mentioned, they also have the chance to do a lot more activities, sport, music etc.

There is a reason the phrase "state till 8" exists. You are pretty much getting the same as state in many private schools until around year 3. It's generally why fees are cheaper until around year 3 and then they go up.

Those early school years, private school usually means you get longer "childcare" hours - the wrap around usually starts earlier and finishes later than the state offer, (e.g. most state schools round us breakfast club starts 7.45 and after school finishes at 5.30, whereas at the 2 private schools breakfast club starts at 7 and the after school club runs until 6.30).

By year 3 there does start to be a bit of a difference, usually in terms of education provision - especially the more creative side of the curriculum, more diverse P.E lessons (often much more focused than state P.E which often just offer taster experiences of sports)/ more diverse art lessons and access to more materials/ drama lessons/ more music education and access to instrument lessons (again much more focused than the state provision)/ in some cases better IT education (IME state provision can get very tablet and app based, whereas my friends in private are very much using laptops as well as tablets).

Then there is the class sizes and levels of disruption, class sizes are not necessarily smaller (our local privates have classes of 25 and most state schools round us have classes of 25 or 26, some state schools have smaller classes) but they are generally less disruptive - private schools are VERY good at managing out disruptive children or children whose presence is detrimental to other children.

As for could a SAHP replicate the creative side of private school with extra curricular with clubs- absolutely. Most people who opt for private for the enhanced creative side are often time poor. If the school are doing weekly swimming lessons then the parent doesn't have to try and squeeze swimming lessons in, same for P.E when the school do dance and sport lessons and instrument lessons. A SAHP is able to collect DC from state school and if they wish take them to dance/ swimming/ sports/ music lessons.

I can only tell you of DIL's experience. DS and her are childhood sweethearts so I've known DIL (now 30) since she was at school.
She hated her £15,000pa school (I don't know how much it is now). She is adamant DGD will not be attending, even though she has a trust for her education.
DD said she felt stupid because all the school was interested in was academically gifted students. Her GCSEs were all grade A&B so objectively she wasn't stupid, but she was still made to feel second class.
She also said there was some bullying of 'poorer' pupils. DIL comes from a wealthy family so this didn't happen to her.
When it came to 6th form they didn't do A levels, just IB. She attended a none fee paying one as a result.
She did OK at 6th form, in comparison DD gained all grade As in maths, physics and chemistry at the same college after attending the local comp.
I was recently speaking to a friend who said this school (we have no grammars in our county and it's the only private school for over thirty miles), now has a high percentage of DC who would have previously attended schools for those with EHCPs and who've been excluded from mainstream education. How true this is I'm not sure. She said grades had dropped dramatically.
I always thought if I could afford it, I wouldn't think twice, but I'd at least research carefully to see if what I've been told is true.

Sniping at SPAG is irrelevant to the discussion.

It’s not though when you’re talking about education 😂

'Better' is one thing. 'Worth it' is another. And I think it completely depends on the state school available to you, and the affordability. Many people make too much financial sacrifice, imo, and it leads to an enormous amount of stress. Financial stress is one of the worst stresses a family can have, and its impact is far worse than a standard state education.

I do wonder how the next generations of privately educated kids will come out. Aside from the stereotypes one always associates with privately educated adults , I and many others I know have always picked up on this 'confidence' that many people talk about, and it's mentioned a lot on this thread. I think what many parents and privately educated individuals fail to recognise is that it doesn't come off a mere confidence in the wider working world – it comes across as arrogance, entitlement, and a real failure to verbalise an argument well to others. It always, always comes off as 'because I think so'. I have come across so many people with this certain 'je ne sais quoi', and 99% of the time it transpires that they have been to private school.

I used to work in a private school and supply teachers always used to comment on the difference between private and state primaries. They were literally flabbergasted. Facilities, behaviour, standards, smaller classes…everything. Obviously there are some crap private schools out there and people will jump on here specifically to tell you that.

I've said what I had to say. Your post was rude.

The children and families in private are definitely different. The quieter, less rowdy atmosphere, better behaved children. Parents who value education. The facilities are much better too. Mostly for me though it's the behaviour of the children and parents that appeals to us and makes it worthwhile.

In private the children stay young longer and also value education. You aren't teased for wanting to listen and learn.

The 12/ 13 year olds are still in long socks, smart shoes and skirts and again aren't teased for being well dressed. At sorts day, the parents arrive smart and engaged. It's a much more respectful world.

I taught in state for a long time and it's soul destroying half the time.

Woah, what?

She's not worth taking any notice of.

Do not assume my gender 😳