Is private always better?

[Privateschooldilemma]

DD is due to start a private prep in September. Me nor DH went to a private school and just want the best for our DD. The school is fairly traditional in its ethos and just in general (eg. Children still wear a boater, ties, kilts etc).

DD is very bright, confident, chatty, opinionated and is generally the leader when playing with a group of friends. Very quick thinking and head strong and always has been.

A friend of mine mentioned private school ‘whipping them into shape’ and basically instilling discipline and effectively dulling children’s personalities. We do also have some good state primaries near us and said friend said that she feels that children get to be children more at state schools vs private.

I’m worried that attending such a traditional school may ‘dull’ all of DD’s sparkle. I love how confident and chatty she is and how she isn’t afraid to speak up and give her opinion!

Would love to hear other people’s experience of private prep especially with a DD who seems similar mine!

IABU: all primaries are the same
IANBU: I’m right to be concerned about this.

I… don’t know what that last poster is about but anyway.

a bright, confident child will likely excel at any school. It gets trickier when you’re talking about children who find various things difficult. I live in a city where 20% of children go to private school so I know several families at the private schools around us. Their kids appear to be just as likely to be happy as the children in our state school. There’s plenty of pluses and minuses to almost any school environment so it’s just about what suits your child best if you have the luxury of choice.

I think it's satire, based on the black and white thinking the OP is asking us to do 😂

Pretty sure that was sarcasm!

I think you might be right. I hope so.

I would hope that both private and state sectors could manage kids who ‘shout out answers’. These children can unknowingly be really irritating and should be guided to more appropriate ways to show their knowledge.

I see it's been deleted. I didn't report it, BTW.

Sounds like the smaller class sizes of a private school should suit her well

The one private school teacher that sticks in my memory...
Dr so-and-so had a PhD in chemistry, and we were all instructed that pupils must call him Dr rather than Mr at all times. Fair enough, whatever.
Dr so-and-so then started to teach. How did he teach, you ask?
He spent the ENTIRE HOUR writing an essay - in beautiful cursive - on the whiteboard in front of the class. In silence.
The pupils simply write it down themselves.
That's it. That was the lesson.
Rinse and repeat.
Nobody ever picked him up on it. The attitude was very much 'well this is a traditional teaching style, and we are a private school established in the 1800s, so it's fine.'
Looking back I actually can't believe he got away with it, but there we are.

Just don't.

a bright, confident child will likely excel at any school

This is really not true. It’s so far from being true.
We don’t expect bright adults to excel in very difficult work environments but we think children are resilient and should reach their potential at any school if they are bright enough.

Of course the right school doesn’t automatically mean it has to be private and I do agree with your last sentence.

Hahahaha, was this the same school (also had a Dr with a PhD in Chemistry)? I saw some awful teaching in that school, especially from those without teaching qualifications. Having a PhD or degree from Oxbridge was seen as superior to having QTS. It can be a bit like the Wild West at times.

I think the one thing that’s hard to beat is facilities, as so many private schools have far nicer facilities and grounds than the state schools. This isn’t everything of course.

Bright children pass at any school. That’s very different to excelling.

I agree with this. Choose the school that seems the best fit for your daughter AND aligns best with your values and priorities

I’m not anti-private at all, but I moved my daughter from a prep school to state school for reception, having sent her to nursery at the prep school and fully anticipating that she would stay there. Elements of it were lovely, but I was gradually put off by the intense academic pressure in older years and the lack of socioeconomic diversity creating a (to my mind) unhealthy “bubble” effect. This, I’m sure, will be exacerbated following the VAT changes.

She started reception at our local state primary. Like you, we are in a “naice” area, so it’s still not exactly representative of society as a whole, but it feels much more “normal” in terms of the social mix and the interests of the children. We are able to supplement sport and music and whatever else at home. We are fortunate to be able to easily afford school fees, and would definitely still be paying had we not thought the advantages of our option outweighed the advantages of the prep.

Children are just children - it’s outrageous of PP to suggest that those who attend state school are more “feral” or covered in lunch because they have been sent to the local “cattle market”. Indeed, I sometimes felt that the glossy prep sometimes focused on optics to impress the parents rather than necessarily putting the children front and centre. Make sure you look beyond the cute boaters when making your decision!

The best school for a bright pupil is usually a Grammar school. Parents are more engaged, many students excel in Sport and Music, and behaviour is, on the whole, better. Many students come out with straight 9s and then A*s and it’s free. Comprehensives give you a better understanding of how people exist in the real world and prepares you for the tough challenges of life. Pupils who are excluded from local private schools often end up at our school. When they arrive they often struggle and have to push themselves harder to succeed. But they adapt quickly and find their place. It can be a huge shock. You are not spoon fed in State schools, but at least you know all your teachers are qualified and work extremely hard.

I agree. The reason we have one child in private is that they needed the calm order. The general rowdiness of our state offering distressed them and they refused to go in the end. Their siblings were fine with the rowdy so they stayed at state. They appreciated that their sibling couldn’t cope.

A really good state school is probably just as good as private. Pity we don’t have that option here.

Private school isn’t always the best. DD went to state school, has come out with top GCSE’s and has an offer for a uni place at Durham. She has a part time job as a youth worker and also dances competitively.

2 friends sent 3 kids to private. They are lovely kids but I was not impressed with how the school dealt with bullying, emotional issues etc. I wouldn’t even say the academic achievements made up for the poor pastoral side.

I would observe the opposite to your friend, that my DD in her local state primary was herded like cattle and subject to ridiculous behavioural and uniform policies, while the minute she moved into a lovely little private prep with small class sizes she blossomed in every single way possible. The activity enrichment and allowance for individual quirky personalities in private schools can be incredible.

I don’t think private is always better but I’ve moved from a state to a prep and my individual schools compared give me no doubt that the prep I’ve chosen is better than the state. Counter to the fear in the OP’s post about having a bit of her daughter’s zest knocked out of her, I can say our experience has been the opposite. My daughter is much more relaxed and chilled out despite the work load and expectations increasing and she has had so many opportunities in sport, drama and music.

Completely depends on the private school. State schools actually pay teachers more than most private ones do so you are not necessarily getting a better teacher.
You are mainly paying for smaller class sizes and better facilities.
Many private schools are also struggling with the change in vat rules and some have closed abruptly.

For secondary, it depends quite a bit on the teacher for the specific year/subject in the private school if i'm honest. We had a few notoriously bad teachers at our school. One of the mums threatened the headmaster with deducting the tutor fees from their tuition if the third child was given the same person who was truly useless with the first two.

As a rule of thumb, private schools with us generally have more funding to be able to do more things, so hiring more teachers aides to keep class sizes small, having things like science labs with real tools and a setup for doing their things for young children vs just learning science through watching videos and talking, having music/dance/other classes that wouldn't generally be available in a local schoo etc.

Whipping them into shape and instilling discipline is the opposite of my experience of private prep. But we chose a school known for how nurturing it is, how good the pastoral care is and how well the children get on. Have you visited a few schools (state and private) to get a feel for them? It sounds like your DD would do well in most places, so what values matter most to you?

what is your end game? I wouldn’t choose private prep if you just want to get your child top GCSEs. She could do that anywhere. I wouldn’t even choose it for 11+ because you could just ignore or deprioritise all her homework from year 3/4 and focus 100% on tutoring her for it while paying for sports / music aftercurriculars.

You need to want something only that specific school can provide. Is it small? Nurturing? Do they focus on art / languages / sports? I personally wouldn’t choose a private school unless they valued music, sports and the arts on the same level as academics.

You can’t buy brain cells tho
bright kids thrive in state or private schools
somekids don’t regardless how much money you throw at their schooling
its just how it is

In Primary though? I could maybe see that as a valid reason for choosing a private secondary but you seem to be describing exactly what you said you don’t want for your dd - to not get the chance to be a kid - which being pushed academically at the private school, before she’s even 11, absolutely will result in

Private primary/prep schools are not 1950s/Victorian workhouses - they dont "whip children into shape". Our experience across multiple schools with our child and nieces and nephews is that private schools are more individual and more nurturing. Class sizes are often smaller.

The discipline (as you mention it) isn't created by stern teachers with canes it is driven by the parents paying fees - they want their kids to learn and therefore behave and do all the homework because they are paying so discipline is less of an issue than at state schools.

If you want to compare primary schools, have a visit and see if the kids look happy or if the atmosphere feels right.