Is private always better?

[Privateschooldilemma]

DD is due to start a private prep in September. Me nor DH went to a private school and just want the best for our DD. The school is fairly traditional in its ethos and just in general (eg. Children still wear a boater, ties, kilts etc).

DD is very bright, confident, chatty, opinionated and is generally the leader when playing with a group of friends. Very quick thinking and head strong and always has been.

A friend of mine mentioned private school ‘whipping them into shape’ and basically instilling discipline and effectively dulling children’s personalities. We do also have some good state primaries near us and said friend said that she feels that children get to be children more at state schools vs private.

I’m worried that attending such a traditional school may ‘dull’ all of DD’s sparkle. I love how confident and chatty she is and how she isn’t afraid to speak up and give her opinion!

Would love to hear other people’s experience of private prep especially with a DD who seems similar mine!

IABU: all primaries are the same
IANBU: I’m right to be concerned about this.

Your child will not be pushed more in private and honestly I'd question whether "pushing" is ever worth it. My daughter's at a private all girls prep which is part of an excellent all girls grammar school. I don't think the actual education is any different than the local state primary but it's a lovely environment and the parents all get on well.

It's a small class size which is good in some ways but not others. Small class sizes are hard if you're a bit different it's harder to find "your people.". My daughter's in a class of 14 and there's not many girls on her wavelength. She's very sporty and with a few more niche interests which aren't shared by the others.

No, just like good school isn’t always best. DH is a high school teacher and has taught 4 kids over the years who were super bright (he used to say 2 of them taught him 😂) that all went to private school, hated it, left and then got top grades in everything. I think 3 went to Oxbridge but the other didn’t want to go there.

Nope. There are many non-selective, broad ability private schools that perform academically poorer than higher performing comprehensives, and there are also many private schools which are colloquially known as "private secondary moderns" as they were the sanctuary for the kids of means that failed the 11+ which also perform poorer than higher performing comprehensives.

Private does not equal fantastique

Completely disagree that private schools ‘whip’ children into shape. I’d say the exact flip actually. I know I am oversimplifying here for the sake of being brief but I’ve worked extensively in both state and private schools. On the whole, I have found private schools are far more forgiving with low level disruption and they don’t demand the extreme obedience that state schools do. Again, generalising but the extent of bad behaviour in a private school will likely be talking back to the teacher and being a bit cheeky. In a state school, behaviour can quickly ramp up to extreme violence so teachers have no choice but to go all guns blaring from the off so that it doesn’t get to that point. Hence why state schools have so many intense behaviour policies - it’s to try and get conformity and obedience before things get out of hand. On the whole, private school children are less likely to be doing drugs/throwing chairs at teachers/having massive fights so private school teachers don’t have to be so harsh in terms of discipline - children are allowed to question their teacher on things and push back a little because it won’t descend into an extreme loss of respect and chaos in the same way it can in a state environment. None of this is intended to be derogatory to states either - I have actually massively, massively preferred working in state schools during my career, I just wanted to reassure you that private schools definitely don’t stamp out a child’s spirit.

Agree with this. My kids are in private and this describes the environment very well. I read a lot of the school threads on here and just can’t relate or identify with it. My dc teachers know my kids as well as me. They are SO invested in each and every child. ALWAYS available to have any type of discussion about your child. I read about how much children are expected to just put up with on here - disruption, being punched, badly behaved kids etc. I know this these issues are expulsion or managed out.
im not messing around with my kids education.

It’s not necessarily better, no. The private school near us is shite. Few properly qualified teachers with subject experience. It attracts a large overseas student population and kids who are sporty but not academic with rich parents, so I think there is less appreciation for how academically shit it is. It’s British and posh enough, but aimed at students who wouldn’t get in at more selective schools.

Dh and other friends all went to schools with a huge amount of hazing and abuse. I think though at least for Dh it was still better than being lost in a huge state comp. Wasn’t without a decent amount of trauma and caning though. 😳

I went to a small girls school that was wonderful. It was exactly what I needed, but was a small, nurturing school where my individual needs were well met.

I'd prick private, every time

If you can afford it, why do your child the disservice of a lesser education?

Pick!

This is so untrue its NOT hilarious. But I forgot, private school kids are fair game for any amount of nasty, spiteful name calling. 🙄

There’s two types of private. You’ve described one.

and there’s the other where it’s selective and the standards are exceptional.

My DH and SIL went to private school and DH hated it. They were always the ‘poor’ ones because the level of wealth was sheer insanity so FIL’s company car wasn’t up to scratch when the others had Aston Martin’s and Porsches, one girl had a helicopter even. His peer’s houses were mansions whereas he lived in a nice and rural but reasonably sized semi. IL’s could barely afford the school so things like designer clothes were off the table meaning he also stood out at parties and such. He couldn’t afford the ski trips or even to go skiing. It was silly IL’s sent them, they thought they were doing the best thing for some reason.

DH has done well career wise but he doesn’t attribute any of it to private school whatsoever. He did well in his GCSEs and ok in A Levels but feels this would have happened regardless. No networking to speak of because he didn’t fit in. SIL is a total mess- drug addict, no front teeth, SS involved in her DC’s life as a result. You would never say she went to a prestigious private school.

This is utter nonsense re academics. Obviously every school is different and every child is different, but in selective private prep schools, it’s a general ‘rule’ that kids are working at an academic level about two years ahead of their state school peers.

That won’t be the case everywhere, but I’ve heard it said many times (by both state and private teachers!)

Mine went to state schools, private was out of our budget. But looking at friend's children (all grown now), private schools actually do the opposite of squashing character. Mine got through their schools, they did OK, even well in some instances. But behaviour was terrible, there was obsession with league tables, so much pettyness around rules (school ran the SLANT system) and very few sporting and arts opportunities. One child was badly bullied over their disability.
If I'd won the lottery I'd have chosen private.

Totally agree.
.

I'm not sure I agree with your friend's reasoning but having been to both state and private ourselves, we deliberately chose state schooling for our own DC. Both my brothers did too - and they went to entirely differently schools to me.

Of course private is not always better, but that doesn't mean you are making the wrong decision for your own child, your priorities for her and the information you have available to you. For my parents academics were all-important and private school was an effective way to help us secure the grades they wanted us to have.

And yet people can soundly slag off private school kids with impunity. I don't agree with the comment but its no more outrageous than some of the slurs directed at 'Tabitha and Tarquin'.

Interestingly my husband and I were state educated, both from working class backgrounds. In fact he grew up on a council estate. He is now a doctor and we were fortunate to afford a non selective prep. Two in the nursery, one in the school at the moment.

My parents were very against it, as was MIL. They didn't want "posh" grandchildren and being in uniform from 2, and in taught subjects by 3 was "awful" However, they are now frantically asking if we will be able to keep all 3 there as they all think it's an absolutely incredible place and want them to have the opportunity to attend. They can't get over the range of things they are taught and the discipline of the children in concerts and nativities. Not in a way that stops their personality, but in a way that at 4 they are confident to perform on stage, sit respectfully whilst others perform etc.

Financially I think we will have to take them out next year and do state primary and prep secondary. However, I've really struggled, as even the good village schools are not the same.

My DS goes to a small village state primary - there’s 18 in his class, there’s plenty of opportunities for sports, ‘experiences’ and trips out. There is nothing ‘cattle market’ about it! Don’t know where you got that idea. All primary schools are different! IMO private primary school is a huge waste of money for a non-SEN child. Not to mention the ridiculous uniforms they have to wear and silly little boater hats

Happy for you