DS girlfriend at our house all the time.

[FierceForester90]

My DS is 21, he has been seeing a girl aged 19 for around 2 months. She is generally lovely but she is at our house pretty much every hour my son isn't sleeping or at work and I am struggling with it.

They spend time in his room but are mainly in the living room, she wanders into my home office quite often when I am working which I find a bit intrusive. At the minute I feel like I can't switch off, relax, have a bath and put my pj's on because she is always there. She is very chatty, she is also quite bossy toward by younger DS who is 16.

We lost our oldest dog this week and have been desperate for some family time. We sat down as a family last week to discuss and agree having him put to sleep and she was there even for that.

AIBU to want some time at home without her there?

Doesn’t she had any studies to do or other stuff? It sounds like she doesn’t have a home life to rush home for either?

Make it clear that if he wants her around all the time he can move out.

Your rule is two nights max. If he can't stick to it she's banned altogether.

Just put your foot down. It's your house.

I wouldn’t like this at all and I’d be speaking to my DS about the frequency and length of her visits and that your office is out of bounds.
Why can’t they go to her house?

You need to set a very clear boundary here OP.

I’m surprised you haven’t spoken to both of them already as she’s bossing younger ds around. Stick up for him!

I have four young adult kids and so have had this at various stages. Ds2 has recently split with his gf but she would be over most weekends and I just used to feel awkward if I wanted a nap on the sofa or something. Even just being my usual silly self singling to the dog and being daft had to be curtailed as I felt self conscious being myself. However it works the other way too. My ds3 spends the vast majority of his time at his gf's house sometimes for days on end. I'm not sure how her parents put up with it especially as he is quite hard work to converse with and I doubt her chips in in any form with costs ( broke student). They have been together for six years since they were 16 though so I guess they see him as part of their family !

Maybe don’t discuss with DS but tell him what you want. Decide what days suit you.

As a lot of things I read on MN, it’s happening because you allow it.

Your DS is not a child. Neither is she but he is the one who you need to be putting boundaries in place with and I would go so far as to say if he doesn’t respect your rules, you will ask her to leave yourself.

Decide what you are happy with and set the boundary.

How do you mean she is bossy to your other DS op?

This is really OTT and smacks of her trying to push "advance" on the relationship status in a territorial way, as if she is already part of the family. I've seen this in a couple of cases - and neither ended well.

Sorry if it has been asked already but why is she walking into your home office?

He doesn't listen though, does he?
He pretends to listen and agree but still does what he wants.

He's an adult... he absolutely can do what he wants, in his own home. Not your family home though.

Also, stop asking him things. Tell them.
"We are having family dinner at 6, so you GF needs to be gone by 5.30 so you are back in time".

If you come home, and she's there when you've asked not, tell her directly... "Goodbye, see you Saturday".

Yes, very firmly. I would not have tolerated that, but my DS always asked if it was ok for his GF to come over. Yours needs to learn some manners.

What about bossing OP's 16 year old around? That would happen only once in my house before she got an immediate pulling up. She is flexing her muscle here to embed herself in the family and that is not the way to go about it. When my daughter was a late teen her boyfriend would stay over, but if he had done anything like this young lady, he'd have been sent hopping away with a flea in his ear!

We all found joy back in the 70s/80s when we didn’t have much of this

People spent money on joyful non essentials in the 70s & 80s. They did it in the 20s and during the war!!!

no idea how that happened

Just tell her "Get out of my office, don't ever come in here again".

Or tell her, "My office is my private space, so please could you not come in or knock if you need me" if you don't want to be a right fucking bitch about it.

A right fucking bitch? There's no need to pussyfoot around this 19yo who has inserted herself in family business and bullies a 16yo child in their own home?

For goodness sake, just say what you want to happen! “Jack, it’s 5:45, you need to take Ellie home now please”. You’re the adult and it’s your house!

My brother had this with his son. She now lives with them 😂 She's lovely but it's not something I'd do!