DS girlfriend at our house all the time.

[FierceForester90]

My DS is 21, he has been seeing a girl aged 19 for around 2 months. She is generally lovely but she is at our house pretty much every hour my son isn't sleeping or at work and I am struggling with it.

They spend time in his room but are mainly in the living room, she wanders into my home office quite often when I am working which I find a bit intrusive. At the minute I feel like I can't switch off, relax, have a bath and put my pj's on because she is always there. She is very chatty, she is also quite bossy toward by younger DS who is 16.

We lost our oldest dog this week and have been desperate for some family time. We sat down as a family last week to discuss and agree having him put to sleep and she was there even for that.

AIBU to want some time at home without her there?

That thread was about a step son.

Have a chat with your son. You’re not being unreasonable but I think it should come from him.

or just bother them with getting them to do chores constantly haha - they'll soon go to her parents house

I despair at the number of parents on MN who have no authority in their homes, and zero respect from the children living in them.

And who the hell is raising these entitled teenagers who just wade into people's homes and take over? They don't even have the decency to know when to go home ☹️.

Why are so many MN parents scared of their own children?

@FierceForester90 Tell your entitled son that his ignorant girlfriend is to leave immediately. Not when it suits them. She is not to come back without your explicit permission. Good grief.

There is around one a week because too many soft parents let their teenaged/adult children rule the home.

It’s nothing to do with notional male authority, or even “male authority”. He’s being thoughtless and selfish and both the OP and her husband are being spineless.

She’s not scared of him. She’s asking if the situation is normal and advice from other posters for dealing with this. It’s no different from asking what’s normal for a hormonal teenager and how to handle that behaviour either. It’s a bit awkward having to have these convos with someone else’s kid too!

@FierceForester90 is allowing a random teenager to wander around her house, into her office while she is working and boss around her 16 year old. Just because she is screwing her 21 year old son. Why else would she not tear shreds off her son for this crap if not because she fears him?

Like hell would ANY girlfriend/boyfriend of my child be doing this. They'd be kicked out the first time they were so disrespectful. They wouldn't be in the house while I was working in the first place though.

You are much stricter than me. 😂😂

I wouldn’t have put up with the bossing the little sister around either though.

What does she do when she wanders into your office OP? That's just weird.

I think you say to him that you’ve spoken to him twice about holding your very reasonable boundary of her going home as requested and he is taking the Mickey so instead of her being there as per the agreement for the next two weeks she isn’t welcome at all.

after two weeks she is welcome 2 evenings per week (one mid week, & Friday Sat as per YOUR comfort), within agreed hours and that’s only if they stick to it. As much as you like her it’s your home and you should be able to relax which you can’t with an extra person wandering around.

if they stick to boundary then you will consider a third evening but everytime they break it that’s a week she’s not allowed at the house.

sounds mean but equally I think since you’ve asked more than once and not been listened to it’s a good firm reminder that our actions have consequences for your son and gf

19

I'm really not strict 😂 but visitors are not members of the household.

Even family need to be bleeding profusely to dare interrupt work without knocking. Last interruption was to borrow - well take - the punction repair kit from my car. Completely acceptable reason, still knocked and waited.

If no boundaries are very firmly put in place, there’s a good chance she’ll be moving in! Both of them, tho they maybe nice kids, have got attitude! At this age there is a tendency to assume if no clear rules are in place, it’s open season on everything!

Me, I’d be getting very tired of seeing her in my home and privacy being curtailed.

My DD's BF was here all the time until they went to uni. I actually miss him! Having said that, I just cracked on as usual. If I wanted a bath or to be in my PJs then that's what I did because it's my house and he isn't my guest.

You need to lay down firm boundaries and if he takes the p then you need to say she’s not coming over. Does he ever go to her house? I would not be allowing her to come over so much. She also needs to stop bossing about your other child, you need to stand up for him. He won’t feel comfortable in his own home. That’s not fair. Agree to a couple of nights a week; and tell him if he abuses this, then all visits will stop. He’s old enough to understand that you want to relax in your own home and it’s hard to do that when a non family member is constantly there. Unfair of him not to listen too so soon after losing your dog.

Wow. You need to at least insist on privacy in your home office (please knock, working, sign, or hook-and-eye inside might help) and push back for your younger child, doesn;t need to be dramatic - just say something every time you hear her do it - "that's up to DS 2" "this is DS2's home, he can (do whatever it is) if he wants to" "DS2 can decide that for himself" whatever. That's imperative, his big brother's love life should not be decreasing his quality of life at home. I know the impulse to to be pleasant to guests is strong, but 19 year olds, even ones who are lovely at base, can be very obtuse and entitled as I'm sure you know and you might need to be less tactful to get through to her. Her crashing the meeting about the dog is a bit shit.

You need to speak to her directly. Stop going through your son. Sit her down and lay out ground rules around how much time she spends at your place and her behaviour while she is there. She also needs to be made aware of her poor manners and lack of social awareness.

• She is never to enter your home office. Tell her that she has been exceptionally rude in walking in while you are working.
• She is not to tell your younger son what to do. Ever. It’s not her place and she is being rude in doing so.
• She had no place in sitting in on the family discussion about the dog. She was completely insensitive to insert herself into that situation.
• Your family needs time alone as a unit without her there. It’s nothing personal, but she cannot be there every waking hour.
• She can come over so many days a week. On weekdays she cannot come before (whatever time you decide) she needs to leave by 6 (or whenever). Similar rules for weekends - specify times.
• Suggest she probably has friends who miss her and it’s unhealthy for a couple to spend all their free time together. She needs to get a life outside of her boyfriend. Women need to have a whole life, not one that exclusively revolves around a man.
• Tell her whatever else annoys you that she needs to stop doing.

I had the same situation and ended up taking to DS and saying I need 3-4 nights and days a week where GF is not in the house. There ended up de-camping to hers for the majority of the week and we had them on weekends. I assume she has somewhere to live?

My dd is almost 18 and hasn’t had much experience with relationships. However, I have decided I won’t be having anyone in my home, that I’m not comfortable with.

It now seems dd might be getting with a lad she has known for a long time. He’s a really nice person and if all continues this time, I expect he will want to stay over quite soon. There is a history and he’s waited a really long time to be with her so I’d be more lenient than with anyone else.

I’ll still be putting boundaries in place for sure, especially as dd is just about to take A levels. And I will speak directly to them both, not just dd because he’s the one with all the relationship experience, but most importantly, it is right to assert yourself in your own home. If they want to be treated as adults, they need to act like adults. That includes being told the boundaries and expectations when you visit someone else’s home.

And quite frankly, I don’t care if that makes my dd or him uncomfortable. I will do it jovially (as I can with him) and sensitively. And if he or any other lad wants to be part of dd’s life, that includes us because right now we are funding and facilitating it.

As for your situation, and even though your ds is older, you’re funding and facilitating his life to some extent as well by the sound of it. And he’s not acting like an adult at all right now. If he wants all the trimmings of adulthood, he needs to act like one.

As for the way she’s treated your family time after losing a much loved pet and your 16 year old, words fail me. Is he doing GCSEs this year? If so, he’s the priority.

You and your dh need to assert yourselves and get some boundaries in place pronto. Your dd is walking all over you. You’ve tried the softly, softly approach. That hasn’t worked. Now to be direct. She sounds very dominant and if you don’t do it now, she’s going to take over your lives and moved in before you know it.

I don't let my own children into my home office; they can knock or call out to me if there's an emergency. They're not allowed to bully their siblings, either. I might tell her directly ONCE that these things are not OK, then she'd be banned.

Telling her via your son isn't working because he doesn't respect you/the house rules himself. There have to be consequences; you wouldn't let a household member make the other members of the household uncomfortable on a regular basis so don't let some random do it.

Crikey, she’s not very good at reading the room is she! Sounds like you need to spell it out for her op. There’s no way I would be tolerating this nonsense, especially walking into my office. Once is a mistake, more than that is rude. As for bossing your younger child in their own home, I would tell her in no uncertain terms that’s unacceptable.

“DS, I’m really happy that you’ve found “X” and that you’re enjoying your new relationship however we need to have a chat about house rules and dynamics. From now on you’ll be allowed two visits a week in the home. If you don’t respect this it will be reduced to 0 so make your choices wisely.”

You need to come down harder on him because the softly softly approach evidently isn’t working. She shouldn’t be anywhere near your office, I find it weird she’s brazenly made herself so at home like this tbh. She seems to lack any sense of personal awareness.

Sit him down and explain how it’s making you all feel- be firm with her and say she has no right to boss your younger DS around either. Agree to 2 nights a week and say you’re happy for her to have dinner with you all those nights but she isn’t permitted in the house the rest of the week. He can go to her house if it bothers him.

Your house your rules, sit them down and tell them