DS girlfriend at our house all the time.

[FierceForester90]

My DS is 21, he has been seeing a girl aged 19 for around 2 months. She is generally lovely but she is at our house pretty much every hour my son isn't sleeping or at work and I am struggling with it.

They spend time in his room but are mainly in the living room, she wanders into my home office quite often when I am working which I find a bit intrusive. At the minute I feel like I can't switch off, relax, have a bath and put my pj's on because she is always there. She is very chatty, she is also quite bossy toward by younger DS who is 16.

We lost our oldest dog this week and have been desperate for some family time. We sat down as a family last week to discuss and agree having him put to sleep and she was there even for that.

AIBU to want some time at home without her there?

Ask her for board. She'll leave sharpish.

I have four now grown kids youngest 22 and just finishing uni, between the four obviously their bf/gf have come and gone , but unless it was a weekend they would not be around our home. Perhaps old fashioned but Sunday to Thursday is either working/ studying or doing things ready for work or winding down after work.
If your son doesn't like it he needs to save up and move out, obviously difficult at 21.
I also hate cooking for non family members( as am bit rubbish) so if they had ppl over at weekend they have to buy and cook their own food.

Omg has she no actual home to go to ?! This is such an invasion of your privacy!! Very strange that she’s spending so much time in your home.
Lay down some rules, tell your son she can visit 1-2 evenings a week only. and she has to be kind to your poor 16 year old that’s outrageous him being bossed in his own home.

She’s allowed around two evenings a week only on days you agree to. Does not go wandering around the house or bossing your younger son. I’d already have told her to leave but I’m not good with strangers in my home.

If your DS won't listen then you tell her. No doubt he tells her it's fine. Ask her not to come in to the office or tell her when it's time to leave. She can't expect to be treated like a guest when she's acting like she lives there.

It's your home OP and she's going impacting on your privacy.

i couldn’t put up with this, OP
Particularly with regard to your family losing your Ddog.
There’s only me and DP here and our lovely Ddog passed last June. The tears and snotty noses were plenty but it didn’t matter as there was only us 2 here. We cried together privately which is as it should be.
Out of good manners, she should have left you to grieve as a family. I honestly would say something, it’s just too much.
My condolences of the loss of your dog. 🌈

I can see both sides tbh. She is at her boyfriends house where he lives. As a person who lives there he has said she’s welcome there.

However, you are the hierarchical leader of the home who gets to say who comes and goes. And you don’t want her there.

The answer is to tell your son she must limit her time there.

I am not ashamed to admit that I used to shout, "Everybody OUT! Haven't you got homes to go to?" when I'd had enough of the boyfriends/girlfriends. Mind you I used to work in a pub and became immune to throwing people out.

Used to close the door to the sitting room too and shoot the evils at any intrusion. They could go and sit in the bloody kitchen or bugger off home.

Why on earth are you not asserting yourself (politely) with a 16-year-old girl?!

Is she working/studying, OP?

You are allowing your son to assert his ‘male authority’. You need to stamp it out sharpish. Where is your DH in all of this, doesn’t sound as if he’s backing you up. She’d only come into my office once, no need for aggression or shouting, just clear boundaries showing whose house it is and who’s in charge.

I'd have firmly told her to leave before the family meeting re putting your dog down.

I'd have blown my lid over this already. I like my privacy and to be able to relax in my own home, I cannot relax when visitors are here.

I think OP you need to be very firm with this, directly to this girl, as clearly your son is not respecting your boundaries.

You need to put your foot down with both of them. Either they respect your home and your boundaries or they can both get out. Can your DS not go round to her house for a change?

I’ve not voted because although I wouldn’t like this, you also seem to not have strong boundaries in place.

Make a new rule that no one can have people around Monday-Thursday.

If he wants to see her then they can go out somewhere or go to her parents place.

If your son is ignoring you then tell her directly she can come on X & Y day from A to C time. If they don't stick to it then a complete ban.

Sounds like she’s trying to move in. You need to have firm boundaries or she’ll be permanent before long.

@Mayflowerz has a point, but I think a complete ban would probably just add fuel to the infatuation phase as another OP put it. Just tell him that there will be times when she is not welcome and if he doesn't keep to that then you will tell her that by not keeping to it he has put you all in the awkward position of having to tell her to leave immediately. And then do it. Also tell him that you will be telling her to go home every time she wanders into your office (or anyone else's private space) and every time you hear her bullying your younger son.

Once he knows you will follow through he is likely to adjust if only to avoid embarrassment.

My daughter had this situation with her 20 yr old son's girlfriend (18). She said her family threw her out (they hadn't) and was there all day every day, all night too. The younger son who was 16 was very unhappy, bullied by both his brother and the girlfriend. The girl would walk around in underwear when the adults were out and show the young brother very dubious things on her phone. Any suggestion she should leave led to fake asthma attacks (ambulance called) and she herself called the police saying the adults were abusing the older son who was kicking off because apparently they were interfering with his relationship i.e. not getting his own way.
Eventually they, the young couple, left and blew almost all his uni fund of around £18,000 in a few weeks. The whole episode was 9 months of hell, and was very much worse than what is described here, but this is a mumsnet comment, not a book. In due course he returned, impoverished and chastened. He's very lucky his parents are prepared to help him financially (again) to pay for his uni accommodation. I wouldn't have to be honest. His relationship with his younger brother is still strained and may never be truly recoverable. In fairness to your son, OP, yours might never become so besotted and so unreasonable, so very stupid. I hope he doesn't. FWIW, we all thought the girlfriend was "lovely", such a nice girl and what was the harm? It was just so nice to see him happy.

Didn’t you post about this the other week?

I would just say in a cheery tone of voice “ok it’s time for Barbara to go home now as dinner is due in 20 minutes” or whatever on the nights you want free. And again in as breezy a manner possible say “hey, gonnae not go in my office as I have all my work stuff / personal stuff / voodoo dolls of you in there”.

YANBU @FierceForester90, we went through this when DD1 started dating her last GF. They were 18, and the GF had a really rubbish home life, so was spending almost every evening at our place for a couple of months when they first started dating. It became quite intrusive, like you I felt I couldn't really relax when the GF was there, plus the cost of feeding an extra mouth every day was adding up (she was also on a medically restricted diet, so I was having to be more creative with my cooking, which was time consuming). The final straw was when DD2, who was 16 at the time, came to me in tears, saying she hadn't spent any time with her sister since DD1 and her GF got together, and she really missed her.

DH and I had a chat about it, and we decided that the GF could come for dinner 2 nights a week, could sleep over one weekend night a week (this was only once they'd been together 4 months and it seemed "serious"), and DD1 could do over to GF's 2 nights a week. 1 night a week was designated a "family" night, so DDs could spend some time together. Happily, DD1 was receptive, and the scheduling worked well for our family.

I think it's up to you how you manage this situation, but I feel you're perfectly within your rights to want at least a couple of days a week when the only people you can expect to see in your home when you come home from work are the people who actually live there!

Best of luck, I hope yous DS is receptive.

This would drive me nuts. I have three adult DC, now all left home. I never had their girl/boyfriends hanging around at my house. They came by invitation only.

It’s your home, your rules. Decide what you find acceptable and then politely enforce it. You are not obliged to provide space for anyone. You should probably discuss with your DS the need for him to get his own place.

You're going to have to set boundaries with her.

"Yo, Jan, I've talked to my son about how much time you're here and you're going to have to cut it back. It's too much. You've interrupted my work and you're not going to be able to be here when I am working from home any more. You also need to stop bossing younger brother around. You're not in charge of him and that stops now.

Yo, Jan, we're going to be having family dinner tonight, it's time for you to go home.

Yo, Jan, time to go home. We're having an early night.

Straight up, nothing she can argue with. She's pushy and it's time to shove her back. Assertive and clear and firm.