AIBU to expect my wife and stepson’s wife to attend my daughter’s baby shower?

[ThamesmeadHammer]

To expect my wife to go to my daughter's baby shower?

Wife and I been together for 31 years, both had a child from previous relationships who happen to be the same age.

We decided to leave the UK and move to Italy, along with my stepson, his wife and their baby.

My daughter has been through the wringer trying to get pregnant for years and there was a fear that she may never have a child.
Her step brother - wife's DS - and his wife fell pregnant and had a beautiful baby and all her friends have had babies.

This really knocked the stuffing out of her and affected her mental health.

Thankfully DD fell pregnant and is expecting a girl in a few months. I was absolutely over the moon and was everyone else.

A baby shower has been arranged for her but my wife isn't going nor is my stepsons wife - despite me and my wife flying back a few weeks before.

Daughter is extremely upset and doesn't want to see them at all, said that I let her down by not standing up to my wife for not going.

I was really disappointed with my wife, after all she has been a step mum to my daughter.

Haven't confronted my wife over this, I feel outnumbered by her, her son and his wife.

BTW - I am struggling to have any kind of relationship with my wife, Stepson and his family - I'm like "do whatever you want, I'm not interested" . There is a lot more to the backstory of all the relationships.

You live in different countries!!! It's only a baby shower, so much drama before the child is even born.
Your wife plans to meet up with your daughter to celebrate when she is in the country, this makes perfect sense unless there is a huge backstory that you haven't mentioned.
My advice is to get some perspective and focus on celebrating when the baby is born.

Wouldn’t go to a baby shower, let alone fly to one.
ETA - I have told my kids that if they ever have such a chav, tacky, grabby event, that’s their prerogative, but I won’t be in attendance. Ditto for the USA gender reveal people are jumping on, and add in the weird cake thing where people give one to babies/toddlers to sit on or stick their faces into or whatever.

OMG your other thread tells us a lot.

Your stepson and his wife actually live with you. This will be why your wife attended their baby shower - it was held in her own house.

You despise your wife's son.

Your marriage is over. You and your wife don't even like one another anymore.

There are bigger issues at play here @ThamesmeadHammer

Where I live in Europe it's considered unlucky to celebrate the coming of a baby before it's safely there.

It used to be the case in the uk, at least among people I knew, that you didn't give gifts for the baby until it had safely arrived. You'd get busy knitting, but not actually give or send the gift until you knew that everything was ok.

If this was local you might have a point but if you expecting people to travel, especially to another country, YABU.

Also, you ordered your pram but never collected it until after the safe delivery of the baby.

By the sounds of it that backstory is quite prominent.

Regardless, having to travel from Spain for a baby shower seems like overkill. It's not like it's a baptism, especially when the visitors aren't blood relations.

YABVU

Firstly, baby showers are ridiculous. Another stupid Americanism brought to the UK. In my culture, it's bad luck to celebrate before a baby has been safely born into the world.

Being angry at your wife for not flying there and back in a day for a stupid event is just ridiculous. Are you going? Surely if you'll be there, then she really doesn't need your wife & the stepson's wife there too. Plus expecting the stepson's wife to leave her baby is unfair. Is the stepson going? Why are you getting angry at the women for not going?

Perhaps your daughter has some growing up to do before becoming a parent if she's finding this so upsetting. Perhaps also suggest to your daughter that she gets some therapy, as for this to "knock the stuffing out of her" and affect her mental health, is very concerning really. That is a huge overreaction, and I'd be concerned about developing PND if this has had such a huge impact on her mental health.

I'm shaking my head over how silly this is. And why say there's a back story but not tell us it? It could be relevant.

So what that your wife fussed over her DIL's baby shower, it was in the same country and it was her first grandchild.

Your daughter should be focusing on the safe arrival of her baby, then looking forward to introducing her baby once it's been safely born.

FWIW I didn't go to my sibling's baby shower. She was fine about it.

I've never hear of anyone flying anywhere for a baby shower, I wouldn't catch a bus.

Really? That surprises me. It seems so old fashioned. My baby shower was co-ed nearly 30 years ago and I haven't heard of an all female baby shower in a very long time. After all, both the mother and the father are becoming parents.

I think it would be nice if she went but I wouldn't expect her to fly over specifically for a baby shower, especially not if she will be there a few weeks before and I assume you will also be visiting when the baby is born. I don't think it's really any different to people forking out to travel for hens. There should be no expectation or obligation on pain of people falling out with anyone over it.

I went to a five or six/held my own around 10 years ago in the UK and they were all all-female

Not read FT but some people simply prefer to celebrate baby AFTER safe arrival rather than before - for obvious reasons.

Stepmum has been in DD's life for 31 years. Stepmum made a big fuss over her DIL's baby shower (presumably before they all moved to Italy) but doesn't want to attend her stepdaughter's baby shower. DD is feeling very hurt by this because Stepmum can be bothered to fly over to visit her father but not to fly over for the baby shower. DD is hormonal and emotional, being pregnant after long battle with infertility. Cut her some slack. No, the stepmum doesn't have to go but the fact that she made a big fuss over DIL's baby shower but won't do the same for her stepdaughter of 31 years is not nothing.

I wouldn't expect anyone to fly to another country for a baby shower.

If they don't want to go that's up to them, going reluctantly and dragging down the mood would be worse. If I was your daughter I wouldn't want them there now anyway. Just go and have a lovely time celebrating with your DD. Sounds like you and your wife are not on the same page, which is a different problem.

Well, that is what you shouldn't have said. You should say it would mean the world to your daughter for you both to be there, and you would like her to make the effort to come with you. If she isn't keen, stress what your daughter has been through and how important it is to her that you are both there. Only if she then refuses to go have you got a problem.

It's absolutely mad to expect someone to fly from Italy to attend a baby shower. It is even more mad to expect them to do it two weeks after they have been in the country anyway. God, I feel sorry for your wife surrounded by insane people.

Sometimes it feels as people go out looking for things to get upset over. Your wife isn't going to push the boat out for the baby-shower of someone who is not her own child. What did you do for your stepson's baby shower? And your wife is back in the UK a few weeks before and wants to celebrate then. This makes sense to me. But for some reason you and your daughter have turned this baby shower into some kind of test of how much her stepmother cares - as if this were a fairy-tale and she has to prove herself in order to reap the reward. Don't do that.

Op are you and your stepson going to the shower?

"Wife is flying back with me a few weeks before to see her father and check on him. I have some business to attend to at the same time."

Why can she/you not move this trip a few weeks on in order to coincide with the baby shower?

I agree.

I'm not a fan of baby showers personally, but I think people are totally missing the point by going on about them being naff.

This is a totally different issue.

Given the circumstances and that everyone flies back and forth and if it was my step-daughter I would make sure I go. DIL not too bothered about but your wife definitely. And I am not a baby shower person but I am a step-mum.

You make a big fuss. Take her shopping, spoil her and the baby. Congrats

You failed to mention your DIL has had mental health issues after the birth of her baby.

That makes your expectations even nuttier.

Your marriage is over, you hate your stepson, and seem filled with resentment. Why don't you clean up your own life?

Why should she? Just because the daughter wants to make a fuss, why is everyone else having to indulge this? The level of how much fuss someone wants, is not the driver of how much fuss people have to make.