AIBU to ask DH to step back from MIL’s health anxiety?

[Stripedpyjamass]

MIL has bad anxiety, mainly manifesting as health anxiety. It seems to be reaching a crisis point. In the last 7 days she has called an ambulance 3 times, taken herself to A&E twice and called us countless times with a health issue. She calls at all hours including the middle of the night. DH has family overseas and if she can’t get hold of him she calls them, who then call us. DH spent 3 hours at her house one evening calming her down then as soon as he left she called an ambulance.

She has therapy, we’ve tried to help so many times offering solutions, she takes medication for anxiety.

DH and I have a newborn baby and a toddler. Through sheer unfortunate luck, when I had DC2 I sustained a significant birth injury which impacts my life on a daily basis with pain and mobility. I am waiting for more major surgery and I have a catheter in which is uncomfortable and limits lifting.

DH understandably is focused on helping his mum which is fine but we are literally now at breaking point. He is suggesting now that he stays her temporarily so she’s not alone? But I physically cannot manage two children alone with my health problem. He’s taking unpaid leave from work to help her, but I’m also on maternity leave so we can’t afford this. MIL is sat pots of money! I don’t want him to take the children away from me to stay with her which is his other suggestion.

I am at a complete loss of what to do. AIBU to think we can’t keep stretching ourselves like this? And that DH needs to step back? Or is there anywhere else that we can get help for me or her?

Any friends that could help this week then go to your family after your appointment?
Don't be afraid to ask for help from friends, true friends will be there for you.

I totally agree she can’t be that unwell if she is picking out the hotel (sorry hospital!). It’s not a week in the sun?! I would be prepare for her to get discharged fairly imminently, the NHS is under a lot of pressure

In terms of your husband l would read him the riot act. Unfortunately it’s clear where his loyalties and priorities lie

I tried to do this last and he just told me to shut up. I’m trying to be empathetic to the fact he is very stressed.

The ambulance trust may have a frequent caller outreach team. Some do. Contact their patient experience team and explain the situation, asking if they have a team that can work with her. They generally work with frequent callers to identify what other support services or help they can access to reduce the dependency on calling 999.

Edit - Ah, I see the issue has escalated. Call 111 and ask to speak to someone on the mental health team. Tell them she is threatening to harm herself, having suicidal thoughts etc, is vulnerable and you and your DH cannot provide the level of support she is requiring.

😲 wow! He told you to “shut up”. After leaving you in a situation where you are “stressed”, ill and caring for 2 young children. Maybe he is best moving out and you claiming child maintenance

I'm confused by the reference to choosing the hospital too. If she's in mental crisis she needs either an ambulance called or to be taken to A&E. I don't really understand this.

Just read your latest update - his behaviour really isn't ok OP. Are you coping ok? Have you told your parents?

Oh op. You really need to tell your parents and friends. You need support and your dh despite his vows, despite being the father of the kids, despite apparently loving you, is not showing in any of his actions or his words that any of those matter to him. He’s betraying you completely when you need him the most. See if you can hold out for the appt, then go to your parents. And pack enough that you don’t have to come back soon, and just leave him to it. Don’t call him with updates, don’t do friendly check ins, just look after yourself and the little ones.

This is outrageous OP. You need medical care and he has left you. I would treat this as abandonment to be honest. Please speak to your friends and family. I know you’re saying that they are busy with work etc. but I’m sure something can be arranged-even some dependency leave or something. You need help, this is not “just” a case of you having a newborn, you have medical needs.

And tell people. It was a very difficult birth, I’ll need some serious surgery to regain basic quality of life. Dhs mum has quite bad anxiety and he’s decided that’s more important so I’m on my own, disabled with a baby and toddler I can’t lift. I’ve moved to mum and dads, I haven’t spoken to him. What would you even say?

if he had even a fraction of the focus on your wellbeing that you do for his,he wouldn’t be doing this. You need to stop putting the effort into him, stop protecting him and making allowances and look after yourself. Your babies only have you right now.

She probably needs to be sectioned and isn't really in a position to pick and choose which hospital she goes to if she is as ill as your DH is saying. The threats to end her own life may be genuine or may be just another manipulative ploy to get your husband to leave you on your own, with your birth injuries, to care for your children on your own while he panders to his mum as usual.

All your DH's care and concern seems to be directed towards his mother. What is the point of being married to him if he abandons you in your current situation.

It’s just manipulative nonsense basically. So she’s having a severe mental health crisis to the point she can’t be left alone yet has the capacity to be deciding which is her preferred hospital?

This can’t go on. You are going to end up very very ill. Understand you don’t want to miss your consultant appointment, after this can you pack up and go your parents so you at least have some support. You are never going to recover if you have to carry on like this and it’s actually dangerous. Go to your parents, try and build up your strength and when you are well again you can assess what to do in the longer term. As others have said this ‘choosing the hospital’ is nonsense, if things are that bad she needs to be taken in an ambulance to whatever hospital has space - but this isn’t for you to worry about, you don’t have the capacity.

FiL a bit like this a few years ago. He wasn't sectioned but it would actually have been better if he was, because he sekf-discharged without a proper diagnosis or treatment plan, having to drive extent his how mentally ill he was. He's still causing carnage in his (adult) children's lives now, years later.

I think your DH needs to be very clear with siblings living abroad how bad the situation is and really press them to come and help.

If she had fallen and had a broken leg your DH would need to get medical help he would not be able to support her on her own. Her mental health is now the equivalent of a broken leg, you need to get medical help. You need to say he can't care for her.

Can one of the siblings come from abroad?

Are adult services involved?

How pathetic is this woman??
she’s taking time away from you, you have a newborn!!
as for your dh, he is just as bad. I would kick him out because he seems utterly useless.
She is truly pathetic as she’s calling the ambulance for no good reason. I would have zero sympathy for her for what she’s doing.

I'd be astonished if she was admitted to mental health unit, plus frankly that's likely to make health anxiety worse.

Terrible update for OP.
A genuinely suicidal person isn’t picking out a hospital - it’s not an all-inclusive package.
Shes clearly mentally unwell, but has enough about her that she’s now got what she wanted, which is her son back at home,
I understand it’s stressful for him but he made a vow to his wife and speaking to her this way and treating her so poorly.
Most genuinely suicidal people don’t want anybody around - they tend isolate themselves and want no attention at all.

OK he's stressed.. And you aren't? He hasn't got actually physical medical issues... Neither has mil.

Next time she goes to hospital if nobody goes with her they may have to take action then. To handy having someone on hand to take her home.
Does dh realise his marriage is at stake?

It can be like that if you are voluntarily going in to residential mental health care, rather than under a section, and have lower needs. There were two possible hospitals that would have taken my FiL and he had a say in which one he was referred to.

As someone who has suffered with health anxiety, I would imagine she is unlikely to follow through with her suicidal ideation as she appears scared of health issues, hence calling ambulances. I would imagine she would be too terrified to do anything like that.

OP, you need to tell people about the situation. Start with your parents and your health visitor. You are not able to provide care alone, and you are alone. It's understandable that he's feeling like he can't leave her alone, but he needs to ask his family abroad to come and help and you need to ask everyone who can to help you.

Your marriage may well not survive this, but the immediate problem is that you cannot safely care for your toddler and baby. You need to get support for that and deal with him later.

You poor love, can you pay for a baby sitter to come and help you for a couple of hours every evening just for this week til you have your hospital appointment? Of course it shouldn’t be necessary but an extra pair of hands could be helpful. Then go to family and friends, you need help to be able to recover

I wonder if Homestart could help you with a volunteer to sit with the baby while you have a shower? https://www.home-start.org.uk/

Worth a go?

Oh, @Stripedpyjamass just don’t know what to say, you’ve been so let down and you sound lovely