AIBU to ask DH to step back from MIL’s health anxiety?

[Stripedpyjamass]

MIL has bad anxiety, mainly manifesting as health anxiety. It seems to be reaching a crisis point. In the last 7 days she has called an ambulance 3 times, taken herself to A&E twice and called us countless times with a health issue. She calls at all hours including the middle of the night. DH has family overseas and if she can’t get hold of him she calls them, who then call us. DH spent 3 hours at her house one evening calming her down then as soon as he left she called an ambulance.

She has therapy, we’ve tried to help so many times offering solutions, she takes medication for anxiety.

DH and I have a newborn baby and a toddler. Through sheer unfortunate luck, when I had DC2 I sustained a significant birth injury which impacts my life on a daily basis with pain and mobility. I am waiting for more major surgery and I have a catheter in which is uncomfortable and limits lifting.

DH understandably is focused on helping his mum which is fine but we are literally now at breaking point. He is suggesting now that he stays her temporarily so she’s not alone? But I physically cannot manage two children alone with my health problem. He’s taking unpaid leave from work to help her, but I’m also on maternity leave so we can’t afford this. MIL is sat pots of money! I don’t want him to take the children away from me to stay with her which is his other suggestion.

I am at a complete loss of what to do. AIBU to think we can’t keep stretching ourselves like this? And that DH needs to step back? Or is there anywhere else that we can get help for me or her?

I could not forgive my husband if he did this to me. I have put up with a lot but this would be the end. You are being treated abominably.

This ! Exactly. So sympathy for the person with the mental health issue but absolutely none at all for those whose lives are massively impacted - in this case a woman with two babies and a birth injury, but you know suck it up because mental health and anxiety trump everything.

That’s incredibly selfish and unfair on the OP

Your husband Dan sir this by not running to her. My mil is similar, she was sick twice in the night and called us at 5am as she wanted to go to hospital. We said absolutely not. Then she had a UTI and had antibiotics she took one and decided they weren’t working and wanted to go to hospital. She tends to do this, she had paracetamol and one didn’t work so the tablets didn’t work. I pointed out she needs to take the full dose.DH did go to her a few times the realised she was seeking attention and pulled back. She decided she had bowel cancer once as she had some wind 🤷🏻‍♀️. DH is sensible and it’s cured the requests.

Can she go to visit the family members abroad? Or can they come over here while your family gets a break.

The thing is, your DH running to his mum every time just reinforces the anxiety. She is not learning to reassure herself and find her own coping strategies to regulate her nervous system. DH needs to step back and tell her that he can’t come round because he has his family to look after and leave her to call an ambulance if she decides to. No one should be expected to take this on. Your DH is going to burnout and then he won’t have anything left to give to anyone.

I can only tell you my experience in 30 years as a GP. I have literally never seen a patient with severe health anxiety who welcomed psychological input. Without exception they have all been convinced that their symptoms are due to physical conditions that the medics have failed to diagnose.

People with moderate health anxiety usually acknowledge that they are worriers, and will engage with counselling to try and ease their symptoms.

But the ones like OP’s MIL are not in that category, in my experience.

I have plenty of empathy, as it happens.

We had this so god love you OP I empathise so much. In my case my DH was not as on board with his mother’s drama as your DH is. What really was the turning point for him is one day leaving work after yet another phone call from her he realised he was so stressed out he was on the wrong side of the road. That made him realise that he could have been killed, or he could have killed someone else and she would still be sitting at home making a drama all about herself. Something in him clicked that she was mentally unwell and he couldn’t fix it. She then moved into sheltered accommodation for a while which was absolutely lovely but she kept making a fuss and ringing for assistance for no reason and she had to leave and eventually went into full time nursing home care . It was a very difficult time for us OP. DHs sister had to go NC with his mother for a while as it was just all too much.

@LessDramaMoreLiving I honestly don’t know. Some patients do get better on their own. The severe anxiety can be a phase that explicably passes. But for others it’s intractable, and I think families just muddle through as best they can.
It really hard.

Easy fix re sibling calling-tell them to stop! Presumably he/she knows it’s not real and that she already called you. If you don’t respond does it make her worse?

id be getting angry with her and your Dh for pandering to her, wasting nhs’ time and potentially meaning someone in real trouble isn’t getting help. I understand she has real anxiety, but she cannot keep doing this.

I would ring your mum up, explain your DH has abandoned you and children because his mum has anxiety and he feels he needs to move in with her. Tell her even when baby is sleeping your DH’s phone is keeping ringing all night. That you and your babies need help and I’m sure she will move heaven and earth to help and go spare at him.

Did all this come on when you got your brain injury OP or has she always been like this? Seems to me it's very convenient timing if it's not the latter.

Would you consider showing your DH this thread? Maybe he'd rethink, knowing advice from the health professionals here who've pointed out that his actions may be worsening the situation for her.
Otherwise, sounds like you desperately need help. Maybe his mother could pay for a nanny for you for a few months until are recovered, and your mortgage as DH will not have enough leave.
Or, if you tell your health visitor, gp you can't lift etc and are on your own, are there carers for you that could be arranged?

Can I ask what some posters would do if this was their mum? Continually phoning for an ambulance is a bit more than anxiety/attention seeking. Most people, even when craving attention, wouldn't go that far. Would you just ignore her?

I am sure the DH is in turmoil wondering what to do. My elderly DM has dementia and her needs are becoming more demanding and it is emotionally draining. This is his mum, who he has probably had to look out for for years, so it isn’t easy for him to just drop. He needs professional guidance and support. Hopefully, he can then reduce support he has to physically and emotionally give to her and then support OP and DC.

If MIL is just being manipulative then he can walk away, but if mental health crisis then she needs help

Can she come & stay with you for a while?

I think it would help her anxiety and would mean hubby is not having to split himself in two.

maybe if you could find ways for her to help you & the kids that would make her feel useful

I don’t think he should step back from his mum, its sounds like he is all she has & yes she is probably being a bit much but she is also probably incredibly lonely is everyone else is abroad

@Sensiblesal I’m sure her moving in won’t reduce the stress for everyone else, it will add to it. She needs professional help.

Eventually yes I would ignore her. I would try and get her help and get her to accept help but if she wasn’t willing to help herself, then I would stop responding.

People, like the OPs MIL, with severe mental health issues can drag down those around them . They may not mean to but it’s the end result so it’s important to protect your own health.

Ive seen people’s lives absolutely destroyed by dealing with loved ones mental health

Obviously if my mother I would help

But newborn and toddler take absolute priority

At some point some sense needs to be applied to the situation

All kinds of great advice here op. This is my addition…already said but want to emphasize …

do not move anyone in with her from your immediate family. Not DH not DC not You.

do not move her into your house ever under any circumstances.

I say this as someone medically qualified to say it….she will not get better. Only worse if you move her in or move there. You will
be sacrificing your marriage your health and your DC childhood. She will not get better. This has strangely become her “personality” and she is comfortable with this.

im the event she developes an illness confirmed by CT scan or MRI or blood work or some other objective medical data see the above two parameters and move her into care facility and spend every penny she has on it. It is worth it.

OP START TODAY FOR YOUR CHILDREN. They need you.

I have read similar posts on MN

The text reads something like

We divorced after X years. The worst moments, we're when I was physically ill & my ex, spent time looking after his DM who had a fake illness"

Do you want to end up writing this in a few years time.

Either your DH steps up & helps you or he can stay permanently with his DM !!!

It sounds like she's having a mental health crisis. Unfortunately I dont know what to do

Honestly I would ignore her. This is not the same as your mother with dementia - this woman has full capacity and knows what she’s doing. She’s doing nothing to help herself but is expecting her son to prioritise her wants over a newborn baby’s needs. I would absolutely ignore her.

She 'has therapy', what kind? The only actual treatment for health anxiety is CBT, using a specific protocol. If she's just having counselling that won't do a jot of good. It'll probably fuel it as she'll be using the sessions to seek reassurance that there's nothing seriously physically wrong with her.

But YANBU of course. Sadly the more people give her reassurance, drop everything to rush to her, the more it fuels her anxiety, gives her the sense it is serious and urgent. The best thing you can do is disengage really. It's difficult but with health anxiety unless/until she's willing to at least even consider that she might be genuinely ill with health anxiety rather than a physical illness, there's not much anyone can do. And therapy won't work until she is there. So all you can do in the meantime is protect yourself.

Your DH is being incredibly unreasonable to be prioritising this over you and your children. I would take an extremely dim view of that.

This info might give your DH some insight into what's going on and how important it is for her mental health that he stops engaging.

https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/looking-after-yourself/health-anxiety

It's one of the most treatment-resistant anxiety disorders sadly.

The treatment for it, CBT, is very good, but someone has to be willing to at least consider that their illness might be health anxiety rather than a physical health issue. They are poorly. But with something very different to what they believe.

I've met people who've had it severely for 50+ years. And people who've engaged in treatment and made huge improvements. A lot is to do with psychological flexibility. It's crucial for physical healthcare clinicians to not engage, reassurance seek, fuel or buy into it. But it can be extremely tough to hold the line when you know they'll just go book in with someone else.

That new 'rule' where GP's MUST seek consultant guidance or rethink treatment must be a nightmare to manage when your patient has HA.

She just has regular counselling I think, she said CBT doesn’t work.

DH has said that he can’t stay over because it’s causing friction at home, which is good as it means I get more support now in the night. He also pointed out that if she is up all night she has a whole day to recover whereas we have two children to look after, who don’t really care if we’ve been up half the night on the phone!

@LordofMisrule1 I’ve been having CBT as I have health anxiety around what happened to me at birth. Although mine is founded in truth eg I get extremely anxious about infection with my catheter. Would you think it will still work?