AIBU to ask DH to step back from MIL’s health anxiety?

[Stripedpyjamass]

MIL has bad anxiety, mainly manifesting as health anxiety. It seems to be reaching a crisis point. In the last 7 days she has called an ambulance 3 times, taken herself to A&E twice and called us countless times with a health issue. She calls at all hours including the middle of the night. DH has family overseas and if she can’t get hold of him she calls them, who then call us. DH spent 3 hours at her house one evening calming her down then as soon as he left she called an ambulance.

She has therapy, we’ve tried to help so many times offering solutions, she takes medication for anxiety.

DH and I have a newborn baby and a toddler. Through sheer unfortunate luck, when I had DC2 I sustained a significant birth injury which impacts my life on a daily basis with pain and mobility. I am waiting for more major surgery and I have a catheter in which is uncomfortable and limits lifting.

DH understandably is focused on helping his mum which is fine but we are literally now at breaking point. He is suggesting now that he stays her temporarily so she’s not alone? But I physically cannot manage two children alone with my health problem. He’s taking unpaid leave from work to help her, but I’m also on maternity leave so we can’t afford this. MIL is sat pots of money! I don’t want him to take the children away from me to stay with her which is his other suggestion.

I am at a complete loss of what to do. AIBU to think we can’t keep stretching ourselves like this? And that DH needs to step back? Or is there anywhere else that we can get help for me or her?

@Stripedpyjamass he shouldn’t have said it causes friction as that is putting the blame on you.

He needs to I tell her that they need to see the GP

I totally respect your stance here, but how can you be sure that she has full capacity and knows what she's doing? From where I'm standing this woman has serious mental health issues.

I actually don’t think she is manipulative I think she is so anxious that she’s completely lost perspective and rational thinking.

Interesting there is another thread where someone is feeling huge health anxiety after a bereavement and there is lots of sympathy for the poster.

That is why she needs to get medical help.

As I already said upthread, she needs professional help. You said she has funds so inpatient care at The Priory or other private MH clinic might help. Afterwards, suggest a night time carer or a more supportive living situation- NOT your house though!

@Stripedpyjamass please suggest she tries EMDR therapy or at least get your DH to look into it. I really think it may help her.

As you sought and engaged with counselling and therapy, you clearly do not fall within the group that this poster is talking about.

Yes this was the case with my mother as I posted earlier. She had always been anxious but an unexpected bereavement triggered massive health anxiety. It was extremely difficult for all of us. It felt like she was manipulative but actually she was frightened and the anxiety became overwhelming. Gp was fab and we set very clear boundaries. She is now much happier - we all are. She did not want to seek help but we said it was not optional. I know that sounds unkind but it was the only thing we could do and in this case it worked. Separately I am sad to see so many posters dismissing mental health issues as fake. It is frustrating, it may be intractable sometimes, but it definitely isn’t fake. And some of these comments contribute to the stigma about mental health and illness

OP, you poor thing 💐. Your injury (and forthcoming operation) sounds so traumatic and serious, if you were my DD, DIL or even friend, I’d want to use all my annual leave to care for you and the DC. It’s what loving family and friends do at such times. You shouldn’t feel you’re ‘dragging’ them into it.

So, if your DH can’t take much/any paid time off work to care for you after your operation, I hope you’re able to recuperate at your parents’ home (if it’s big enough) with the children, at least for part of the time.

Even if they can’t take much leave to look after you, they could at least help with evening bath and bedtimes, make your evening meal, do laundry and shop. To share the care with your DH after he’s been so overstretched with, and worried about, his mum.

It’s one of those times everyone needs to muck in.

Friction at home is a cop out as he is too afraid to say his wife, toddler and newborn need him. He should’ve told her he can’t keep running round to hers because he needs to care for his sick wife, newborn and toddler, plus hold a job down.
He needs to tell his relatives instead of phoning and waking the house up especially because his wife is very unwell they book some time off and fly over to care for her.

Is that poster also trying to break up her son’s marriage so she can have all of his attention back on her?

Feeling rage reading this. Yadnbu, op. This is awful on many levels. Sorry 😔

I've not seen it but is the poster calling an ambulance three times a week, going to A&E twice a week, hounding their adult dc with a newborn throughout the day and night and getting other relatives to call them on their behalf too?

this won’t solve the problem but if she’s sat on “pots of money” your DH needs to tell her if he’s at hers she needs to fund a daily/nanny for you.
id divorce my DH if he ditched me and the DCs to pander to his mum

I wonder if siblings from overseas are adding pressure to your DH. It might that they don’t know your situation in details. If it’s my DH he would say something along the lines yes, PizzaHeart doesn’t feel very well but he wouldn’t go into details and his siblings would think that I was just tired at the newborn stage.
Im this overseas sibling myself and I make deliberate efforts every time to check the situation with my living next to mum sibling in a reasonable time rather than reacting straight away on mum’s calls and claims. Our mum also has health anxiety, albeit not so severe. She does have medical issues and takes regular medications for them but she refuses to take medications for anxiety. She goes to her doctor and even if she was prescribed medications she doesn’t take them and doesn’t like to tell her doctor that she is not taking them. Also she reads the anxiety medication leaflet and then claims that possible side effects are too severe and she can’t take them because of this. She is genuinely scared but it takes us nowhere. She also tends to minimise her anxiety symptoms when visiting consultants and to exaggerate physical symptoms. For this reason she doesn’t like taking my sibling to appointments with her, as their description of situation paints quite a different picture. it’s not malicious it’s her personality and how she sees things. She is in her 80s so we gave up.

Your DH has to engage in the process with GP/ consultants , it’s exactly the kind of help your MIL needs, more than his nighttime visits. He needs to makes sure that the picture is realistic and both GP and his mum take situation seriously.
He also needs to be open and honest with his siblings about his limitations. If they want to do things differently they are welcome to come and do them. It’s what I always say to myself : it’s easy for me to give instructions from far away….My sibling works full time and doesn’t have small children but I never ask them to do this and that for mum. I know if I ask they actually feel guilty and do it but it’s not fair as they have their own life and issues.

Things have actually escalated since this thread, MIL has now been making suicidal threats and so DH has decided she can’t be left alone. I am now solo parenting for the foreseeable. She wants to be admitted to a hospital but we are having trouble arranging this as the NHS are understandably very stretched!

@Stripedpyjamass your DH needs to push that she is a danger to herself and a high suicide risk and needs assessing. Get GP, MH crisis team, social services etc involved. Push push push and don’t be fobbed off. We had to do this with my mums friend. She was in a car home from early 60s as she just couldn’t cope with life.

do you really believe the threats or is it cries for attention? I have had this with my ex and my eldest son. My ex was just a threat/controlling mechanism. My son has severe MH issues and I take it seriously when he says it. But I don’t deal with it alone, I instantly flag it up.

good luck.

I am not sure if it’s real as I haven’t seen her. She has started again with the all night phone calls demanding DH go there and implying she will do something dangerous if he doesn’t.

I literally need an hour of his help with bedroom bathtime etc and he won’t leave her.

Then she needs to be sectioned!

She’s picked out a hospital she wants to go to and they are trying to arrange an admission I think. But seems to be a slow process.

if she has money the The Priory is a good place for her to start dealing with her Health anxieties and perhaps they can also council her on her emotional abuse of her children!

Can your mum come and stay with you?

No as she works full time. I can potentially go and stay with my family but I actually have a consultant appointment this week to finally discuss my treatment, and I really don’t want to miss it!

In my non expert opinion, someone who is capable of picking out a specific hospital is not someone in immediate mental health crisis.
Your partner needs to realise that she can be left for an hour while he supports you, I highly doubt she would actually do anything catastrophic during that time, and if she did it would at least move things along. I don't mean that to sound as callous as it probably does, but she genuinely seems more manipulative that acutely distressed. I completely understand the anxiety she is causing him, and the fear she is inducing in him, but honestly he's at risk of losing his family at this rate as you would understandably be resentful that he his not even trying to balance your needs (and those of your children) and is simply totally prioritising him Mum.
I have huge sympathy for you, you must be so conflicted about all this, not to mention exhausted.