AIBU to ask DH to step back from MIL’s health anxiety?

[Stripedpyjamass]

MIL has bad anxiety, mainly manifesting as health anxiety. It seems to be reaching a crisis point. In the last 7 days she has called an ambulance 3 times, taken herself to A&E twice and called us countless times with a health issue. She calls at all hours including the middle of the night. DH has family overseas and if she can’t get hold of him she calls them, who then call us. DH spent 3 hours at her house one evening calming her down then as soon as he left she called an ambulance.

She has therapy, we’ve tried to help so many times offering solutions, she takes medication for anxiety.

DH and I have a newborn baby and a toddler. Through sheer unfortunate luck, when I had DC2 I sustained a significant birth injury which impacts my life on a daily basis with pain and mobility. I am waiting for more major surgery and I have a catheter in which is uncomfortable and limits lifting.

DH understandably is focused on helping his mum which is fine but we are literally now at breaking point. He is suggesting now that he stays her temporarily so she’s not alone? But I physically cannot manage two children alone with my health problem. He’s taking unpaid leave from work to help her, but I’m also on maternity leave so we can’t afford this. MIL is sat pots of money! I don’t want him to take the children away from me to stay with her which is his other suggestion.

I am at a complete loss of what to do. AIBU to think we can’t keep stretching ourselves like this? And that DH needs to step back? Or is there anywhere else that we can get help for me or her?

You're his immediate family. He should be prioritising you.

If his mum wont get help for herself there's nothing he can do for her. Pandering to her whims won't help.

I don't why you say in your OP that "DH understandably is focused on helping his mum which is fine but we are literally now at breaking point."

It is absolutely not fine, it's not OK and it's definitely not understandable! I think you need to start getting angry on your and your children's behalf.

He doesn't need to be at home to "help" you - he needs to be there to parent the children he chose to have and take care of the wife he chose to marry.

If she doesn't get treatment this will escalate forever, that is what it does. It isn't logical, so it can be rationalised with a short stay to help her get over this - the more you do to try to assuage it the worse it will actually get. He's going to go there and she's not going to agree to him coming home. There is no point at which he will have done enough to "fix" the anxiety. That's not how it works.

To address this problem, I would want to have a proper conversation without necessarily referring to his mother specifically (as this will probably inflame things) by stating, we are at breaking point, we need a plan: I need X from you, the children need Y from you, when I have my operation I need six to eight weeks of X, Y, Z - what is your current plan for this?

Can she go stay with other family members? You need to spell it out to him, her and the rest of the family that right now he is needed at home. You have serious health problems and a newborn. Someone else needs to step up if MIL needs help

How many times has an ambulance attended her at her house and over how long?

His mum either has an escalating mental health issue, or she’s attention seeking and manipulativez. Neither of these are improved by him moving away from his wife who actually needs him having sustained an injury bringing his child into the world, and losing income needed to feed and house the family.

if he believes it’s genuine he needs to speak to her GP and push for a referral/additional help. You indicated she’s financially comfortable so she could pay for private therapy.

he needs to be read the fucking riot act.

It sounds like she is an indirect danger to others, you and all the people who genuinely need an ambulance when it's going to her. Get your husband to read this thread and then tell him to choose. You can't go on like this.

No - if it was your parent you’d still understand that your first duty is to your sick spouse and children and any spouse who doesn’t share that priority and any parent who expects their adult child not to prioritise their own family, is very much in the wrong.

This

I think you are all so deep in this you cant see how totally fucked up it is.

You are disabled with 3 small children and his biggest concern isnt your actual poor or your well being but his perfectly healthy mothers imagined issues!?!?!

Her behaviour is utterly mad.
Him running to her beck and call is also crazy and is enabling it.

I'd want an intervention and I'd be really clear that your marriage is on the line.

The old fridge magnet that you can only please one person a day springs to
mind. It is never your day to be looked after as he is prioritising someone else. It’s that simple.

How you would feel if it was your parent? Its....you! He's neglecting you! And his children. The question is how would he feel if he was alone at home with a catheter, a toddler and a baby following major surgery (comparable with a birth, CS or not). What man would even move off the sofa in those circumstances? Any man would be expecting his dinner on a tray and helping upstairs for naps, while his partner kept the children from disturbing him, let alone even consider caring for his children alone while his partner was elsewhere, whatever the reason.

His mother has problems, sure, but he has problems with his priorities. It is this way because he likes it this way. Dealing with his mother is less unpaid care and emotional labour than caring for you and his children.

Think of it this way. If his mother got better tomorrow, Do you think he would step up and be the loving and supportive equal partner you imagine he would like to be when there is nothing more important? Or has there always been something that prevents him being quite what you just know he would be if only he could.....Men are so good at really wanting to be there for you, but just not quite being able to right now. But they will do, when everything else is optimal. They promise.

That isn't how partnerships work. You partner and children get the best from you, everyone else gets what's left. But those aren't his (or many men's) values. I've no idea what your position is other than physically, but I think you should accept that's where you are going to end up. If he can't put your clear and obvious greater needs first now, he's never going to. It doesn't actually matter why, or even really if he should.

Bloody hell OP. I'm so very sorry about your injury. How does your H think it's going to work when you have the operation? He needs a good talking to by a health visitor.

Your H cannot solve his mother's problems. She needs professional help and professional carers. If she needs someone there at night she needs to pay for that.

Your H can however choose be a good Dad and husband, which he will not be doing if he abandons you to go to his Mum's. At the moment he is stressing you out and you're ill. He needs to be doing the bulk of the childcare to allow you to rest when he's home.

The in-laws need to stop hassling you and phoning you and your H. You are ill, you've got a serious operation coming up. You have a newborn and a toddler. What is wrong with these people?

They could come over to support MIL or spend hours with her on the phone themselves. Maybe throw some extra support your way, given you clearly need it.

If she needs to talk to someone during the night, 111 will often put through to mental health phone support and also the Samaritans are also good. It doesn't have to be your H and it shouldn't be.

Has this behaviour ramped up since you sustained your injury @Stripedpyjamass ? Wondering if she sees this as her route to getting attention and care.
your dh is acting pretty unforgivably imo.

I suspect she has depression. DH needs to attend her next GP appointment and find out what exactly is going on with her health. He can then talk to the GP about how it’s impacting on your life!

Is there a cultural aspect to this, oldest dutiful son ?

So you have a real medical problem. She has a fake medical problem. You have 2 small children who literally can't look after themselves. And he thinks his mum is the priority. That is so messed up.

Have you got a Health Visitor you can trust who can advocate for you to your husband: he has a Mother with an imaginary incapacity but a wife with a real incapacity plus a baby and a toddler to look after? Logically he needs to prioritise you and if you can't insist on it, you need someone who can on your behalf

your dh is acting pretty unforgivably imo So true.

Please tell your parents what is going on and how badly your H is letting you and your children down. Tell the HV too. Get some support for you and your children in place.

I had a relative whose health anxiety used to ramp up when there was a new baby in the family. Subconscious not malicious but it was still a way of manipulating the situation so that attention was back on her.

Its quite likely that your DH has felt responsible for her for much of his life and just doesn’t know how else to behave.

I’d be inclined to get a flipchart or the kids blackboard and draw out the pros and cons for him of him leaving you to go to his mother. He probably thinks you are the more capable one, has been in this “mum needs me” mentality for decades, and has not processed how vulnerable you are.

if he still chooses to stay with his mum, I’m not saying LTB, but it will be a strong signal that you need to be able to manage alone in your marriage, if that’s what you want to do.

your mil probably needs more help to get through the anxiety attacks but that is between her and her doctor. Put your foot down. Or find other alternatives to your DH.

Come on now OP. Considering there is actually nothing wrong with her what do you and DH thinks will happen if he stops pandering? Worst case she gets sectioned which is probably a good thing.

Everyone needs to step back, stop masking the problem and let it play out.

You should be the priority here.

Failing that….honestly I would tell
your DH unless he starts prioritising you it’s over.

I agree with the poster upthread who suggested listing out the issues you are facing (needing help, operation upcoming etc) and asking him how he plans to deal with them. Especially if the current issues are included (overseas relatives ringing in the early hours etc). If he pushes back with 'my mother needs me', then I'd be tempted to say 'your young and vulnerable family should be your current priority, not saying we won't help support your mother but it can't be to the detriment of your wife and children, which it is currently'. I'm cross on your behalf!

Psychologist here. If she has health anxiety he is currently not helping it as the reassurance he gives her essentially ‘feeds’ the health anxiety. However, she needs to be properly assessed to identify if it is health anxiety or panic disorder or something else and needs CBT to address it. Generic counselling will not help.

This. He is a complete idiot. She knows exactly what she’s doing. If My MIL tried this i would be making it very clear to DH what he should be doing to support his wife and DC.

I am so sorry OP that you are having to deal with this. I remember what it was like recovering from my own CS and it was such an incredibly vulnerable time plus with your serious health complications and 2 little ones to care for, I could weep for you.

You need urgent support so please try to ensure you get it, as your DH has chosen to prioritise his mother you may need to reach out to others who will prioritise you - your own family, friends, health visitor, anyone; you need support.

You are severely underreacting when you say that it is fine and 'reasonable' that your husband is focused on caring for his mother to your detriment when it is anything but. That is understandable when you are still vulnerable and recovering - but I hope you find your anger once you are feeling stronger. For him to leave you alone to try to cope and get angry at you when you protest - it is all off the scale unreasonable.

Your marriage may never recover from your DH failing to prioritise your needs at this critical time, and he probably needs to know that. You may never forgive your MIL either, let alone the other relatives who have offloaded this burden onto you, being part of the problem instead of (as they could if they chose) part of the solution.

Unfortunately giving in to her demands only has the effect of confirming to her that she needs support. It doesn’t deal with the underlying issues that she has. As long as she knows she can get attention by calling you knowing you will respond she will continue to do so no matter what you or your OH say.

She has a mental illness, anxiety, not a physical illness,( although she probably convinces herself that she has physical symptoms) and her GP should be referring her to the mental health support services. Unless your OH is a mental health professional he is not helping her to get any better or to deal with her anxiety by confirming it her by running to her side every time she whistles for him. In fact he is probably making her worse.

He needs to tell her every time that if she is worried she needs to call her GP or an ambulance. Yes I know the NHS is falling apart, but if that is the way to make her GP sit up and take notice that she is unwell then that is what needs to happen.