AIBU to ask DH to step back from MIL’s health anxiety?

[Stripedpyjamass]

MIL has bad anxiety, mainly manifesting as health anxiety. It seems to be reaching a crisis point. In the last 7 days she has called an ambulance 3 times, taken herself to A&E twice and called us countless times with a health issue. She calls at all hours including the middle of the night. DH has family overseas and if she can’t get hold of him she calls them, who then call us. DH spent 3 hours at her house one evening calming her down then as soon as he left she called an ambulance.

She has therapy, we’ve tried to help so many times offering solutions, she takes medication for anxiety.

DH and I have a newborn baby and a toddler. Through sheer unfortunate luck, when I had DC2 I sustained a significant birth injury which impacts my life on a daily basis with pain and mobility. I am waiting for more major surgery and I have a catheter in which is uncomfortable and limits lifting.

DH understandably is focused on helping his mum which is fine but we are literally now at breaking point. He is suggesting now that he stays her temporarily so she’s not alone? But I physically cannot manage two children alone with my health problem. He’s taking unpaid leave from work to help her, but I’m also on maternity leave so we can’t afford this. MIL is sat pots of money! I don’t want him to take the children away from me to stay with her which is his other suggestion.

I am at a complete loss of what to do. AIBU to think we can’t keep stretching ourselves like this? And that DH needs to step back? Or is there anywhere else that we can get help for me or her?

100%. I'm personally annoyed at the sibings who redirect her to him in the middle of the night, knowing the whole shit show. The whole family (as in his birth family, not OP) need to make arrangements for his mother's calls 24 hours a day that do not involve OP's husband taking them all. It. Is. Not. Sustainable. For him, or for his wife and children, that he should take them all. They're phone calls from a person with anxiety, they don't need physical presence (and if physical presence is decreed to be needed it is an ambulance or a professional carer, not her family), anybody can take them from anywhere in the world.

Ideally there should be some kind of therapy line that she can subscribe to, but if the siblings take her calls they need to be divided on a strict rota system at the very least so that everybody gets time off from her.

With men they often dont realise things unless they are told straight to their face. He doesnt realise and youl need to spell it out.
Look at him and tell him you and the children need you there, not staying at his mums. He has a responsibility to you and the children.

My ex husband often didnt realise the simplest of things until I told him straight to his face, but once I did, he got it.

He’s putting his mother before his wife (and she’s happy to let him).
It’s outrageous he’s taken time off work when you’re still on maternity leave.
I don’t think he will change and put you first. Therefore you need to make a decision as to whether you’re happy to play second fiddle to his ridiculous mother for however many years to come. I wouldn’t be

If this was me I’d either tell him he needs to put you and the children first or he can go to his mother’s permanently.
That’s just me though. You need to decide how much longer you’re prepared to tolerate this for.

I agree with this. I’ve been through the system with my daughter for sectioning and the mother does not meet the threshold. There just aren’t enough mental health beds available.

Your MIL needs the help of mental health professionals. If she is on medication and has counselling is there a mental health team she is known to? Your DH should call them if she is. Your DH said what would you do if it was your parent I think? If it was mine, as hard as it would be I would get them help whether or not they agreed to it, because the problem with mental health issues is that sometimes they cannot see they need help.
Have you discussed it with him from that angle?
I also think you should try and get the HV to come over so you can discuss it with them there as well. Another option could be that one of the relatives abroad comes over for a while to help with his mum while he supports you. But he needs to realise that this is unsustainable so that he then reaches out for help.

Just to add, in the worst case that he does go over to stay with her, of course you can ask one of your parents to take leave and come and help you. It's very annoying of course, they would be justified in being annoyed in having to step up and do your husband's job, but I'm sure they would see that it needs doing and want to be there for you. Moreover, if they seem to be inspired to call him up and give him the bollocking of a lifetime then don't discourage that. If you're not in a place right now to advocate for yourself and they can help with that, that's fine. I'm sure you'll advocate for your kids all their lives too.

You poor woman.
He is making such awful choices.
Quite unforgivably.
I think you need to put your health first and go to your parents for help, or ask them to help you pay for help.
He is likely doing irreparable damage to your relationship by abandoning you at this time.

He should be asking for his mother to be seen by MH specialists.
You must be in so much pain and discomfort.
You poor woman.

Of course they won't take the children. HV's cant do that. Thats your anxiety speaking there

Oh OP, I really feel for you. I fully agree with everyone that your MIL is being very selfish and unreasonable but you are not going to be able to solve this for her. You need a way to get through to your DP to show him why it is not going to resolve his mum's issues for him to be with her providing constant reassurance. It sounds like he needs to understand her condition much better. Would it be an option for him to get some private advice from a specialised psychiatrist or therapist on management of health anxiety - I would have thought one or two sessions would be enough, so it wouldn't be too expensive - on how best to manage this situation. Perhaps he would find this suggestion acceptable as it would be targeted on helping his mum rather than directly telling him not to help.

It also jumped out at me that your sleep is being constantly disturbed including with late night calls from the sibling. This has to stop. Why is the phone on at night. Turn it off. Nothing is more important than your sleep when you have a newborn. None of these issues are truly urgent - your MIL is not in any danger.

As for the sibling - if they are so invested has DP asked them to come and help?

This happened to me but my own parent who is a raging narcissist and has health anxiety, but it got way worse whenI was pregnant and when my babies were tiny. It was an attention thing. OP could that be happening?

could she have dementia

This is a very problematic situation for lots of reasons but also because there’s no obvious end date. It’s not like a short term injury or temporary disaster. This isn’t sustainable and you are going to do yourself and your children further harm.

At bare minimum you need to turn his phone off overnight so you both get some sleep. Can you ask her to pay for help for either you or her?

I agree that you need to get angry and should be angry about how he is treating you. You have had major abdominal surgery, you shouldn't be lifting anything heavier than the baby or a kettle, you also have an ongoing bladder injury, an infection and need further surgery. I had complications, it took me four months to recover from my third c section (with bladder surgery hence the catheter). DH took leave from work and did everything other than breastfeeding my newborn. What is his proposed plan for when you go into hospital and your subsequent recovery?

This situation cannot continue and him trying to guilt trip you by stating how would you feel if that was your parent is really not okay. If he had surgery I am sure that you would be prioritising your children and him rather than leaving him to look after a newborn and a toddler on your own.

What other avenues of support do you have OP that you can call on right now? Family, friends? I would be calling on them all for help right now and letting them know why, I bet they will not look favourably on your DH for leaving you in this situation either.

Sorry op I think you’re stuck between a rock and hard place, like your dh said it’s his mum and I think if he was telling you your family (him and kids) is more important and ignore dm you wouldn’t be thrilled- she is also his family and I think the people on this thread wouldn’t be thrilled to be told so either!! Saying that yes she needs help and he needs to see the bigger picture, this could go on for years unless something is done- he needs to get the siblings together so they can all make a plan

Nowhere near

Sounds like she has Munchausens, or whatever it's called these days

Sounds like one of the relatives (is it another of MIL children etc?) needs to come home from overseas and see to her for a bit. OR can you sent her there???

Also, silence phones at night.

I'm sorry what an absolute nightmare. Your husband should be stepping up and setting boundaries with his mother. Do you have any family etc you could call in to help you?

I have been in this situation with a parent and I can tell you now going to stay with her is not the answer. Whatever your dh does it will never be enough. As soon as he comes home she will be calling him or an ambulance. It's hard to say too much about my own circumstances but he has to find a way of stepping back. Mums are important but he has his wife and kids to consider and you should come first. You could try getting social services involved. Could this be dementia? Speaking from experience i would always question this.

Why? In my experience, narcissism i.e. needing all the attention on them, and resenting OP for 'getting all the attention' (batshit I know) by needing major surgery, and also health anxiety/Munchausens.

I'm surprised that her GP and the local ambulance service haven't flagged her activity of yet, and I would suggest that either DH or you contact her GP surgery urgently and ask for the best advice on how to cope with it.

It sounds like she needs an intervention of some kind, she's wasting very precious and valuable resources let alone impacting your own lives. And DH needs to stop answering her calls and giving her the attention so she's rewarded/enabled. I would also suggest your local social services adult helpdesk, a social worker may be a good starting place to get her the support that she clearly desperately needs.

He needs to get his priorities straight

And mil needs to realise and accept what these are