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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask DH to step back from MIL’s health anxiety?

329 replies

Stripedpyjamass · 26/03/2026 08:02

MIL has bad anxiety, mainly manifesting as health anxiety. It seems to be reaching a crisis point. In the last 7 days she has called an ambulance 3 times, taken herself to A&E twice and called us countless times with a health issue. She calls at all hours including the middle of the night. DH has family overseas and if she can’t get hold of him she calls them, who then call us. DH spent 3 hours at her house one evening calming her down then as soon as he left she called an ambulance.

She has therapy, we’ve tried to help so many times offering solutions, she takes medication for anxiety.

DH and I have a newborn baby and a toddler. Through sheer unfortunate luck, when I had DC2 I sustained a significant birth injury which impacts my life on a daily basis with pain and mobility. I am waiting for more major surgery and I have a catheter in which is uncomfortable and limits lifting.

DH understandably is focused on helping his mum which is fine but we are literally now at breaking point. He is suggesting now that he stays her temporarily so she’s not alone? But I physically cannot manage two children alone with my health problem. He’s taking unpaid leave from work to help her, but I’m also on maternity leave so we can’t afford this. MIL is sat pots of money! I don’t want him to take the children away from me to stay with her which is his other suggestion.

I am at a complete loss of what to do. AIBU to think we can’t keep stretching ourselves like this? And that DH needs to step back? Or is there anywhere else that we can get help for me or her?

OP posts:
mynameiscalypso · 26/03/2026 08:04

I think you are being a bit generous to your DH. It’s not understandable that his DM his is focus (although obviously I really feel for her). His focus needs to be on you and your children. He needs to take a step back, his reaction is probably feeding the anxiety.

Lemonfrost · 26/03/2026 08:05

You are absolutely NOT being unreasonable. Your husband needs to stop pandering to his mother and to be honest, I would completely refuse to engage even if that meant cutting her off. You can't go on like this and YOU and your children should be the priority. Stand firm!

thepariscrimefiles · 26/03/2026 08:08

I can't believe that your DH wants to take unpaid leave to leave you on your own with a new born baby and a toddler when you have a serious birth injury to pander to his attention seeking mother.

Has he always put him mum first before his children and his wife? I'd be absolutely furious. If he does do this, do you have any family that can provide you with help and support?

What is the point of your husband if he can't put you and your children first in this situation?

Bimblebombles · 26/03/2026 08:10

write to her gp outlining all your recent observations? accompany her to GP appt and discuss a plan all of you together for when she feels like ringing ambulances.
Or suggest she uses some of her money to pay for a carer visit once a day as you are unable to do it. Your DH should not be prioritising her

Starlight7080 · 26/03/2026 08:11

Really he is probably just making her worse. Has she seen her gp? Maybe he should go with and explain the amount of ambulances and phones calls to family at all times of the day. She sounds like she needs help from professionals . If he stays it with her it will just spiral. Its not getting to the root of the problem.

Eenameenadeeka · 26/03/2026 08:11

It sounds like she needs significant professional help that he is not able to provide, even if he wants to. Its unreasonable for him to leave you to care for your children while having your health struggles, or to take unpaid leave you can't afford. Is there someone else she can stay with so she's not alone?

Choconuttolata · 26/03/2026 08:22

If my DH had tried to do this after I had any of my babies (all EMCS and catheter left in after the last one) I would have told him if he goes don't bother coming back! How dare he suggest taking your newborn and toddler away from you to pander to his mother.

She is clearly capable of seeking help herself and him going there is not going to deal with the root of the issue, it will just make her more dependent on him. He clearly has to work to support his family, what is he proposing long term as a solution because playing rescuer isn't helping. The cynical part of me wonders whether her anxiety has suddenly ramped up in response to you needing more of his attention and having your own physical health condition right now.

He needs to prioritise you and his children. Have you got any family that you can stay with or that can come and help you temporarily while you recover in case he goes anyway? I would also speak to your HV, see if they can speak to him, maybe he would listen to them?

Original poster
Stripedpyjamass · 26/03/2026 08:23

I have said to DH that we need to engage her gp or get professional help but he doesn’t want to do it and I can’t go behind his back. I’ve also said I’m annoyed and feel like I should be a priority but he then got angry and asked how I would feel if it was my parent, I don’t know how I would react but I don’t think I would be offering so much.

Shes at her gp constantly but she refuses to do anything to help herself. Shes only likes to talk about her problems and not act on solutions.

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 26/03/2026 08:26

Ita not OK for him to leave his wife who has actual significant health issues, and a baby and a toddler to deal with his mum who has imaginary health issues. He also isn't qualified to deal with this level of mental illness and what he is doing isn't helping anyway. He cant watch her 24 7 indefinitelt and lose money doing ao, just so she doesnt call an ambulance. So I think the only solution is for him to take a step back

ThejoyofNC · 26/03/2026 08:26

He's taking the fucking piss. I'd tell him he needs to choose his mum or his family, it's that simple. If he can't prioritise you then the relationship is over.

Original poster
Stripedpyjamass · 26/03/2026 08:26

Choconuttolata · 26/03/2026 08:22

If my DH had tried to do this after I had any of my babies (all EMCS and catheter left in after the last one) I would have told him if he goes don't bother coming back! How dare he suggest taking your newborn and toddler away from you to pander to his mother.

She is clearly capable of seeking help herself and him going there is not going to deal with the root of the issue, it will just make her more dependent on him. He clearly has to work to support his family, what is he proposing long term as a solution because playing rescuer isn't helping. The cynical part of me wonders whether her anxiety has suddenly ramped up in response to you needing more of his attention and having your own physical health condition right now.

He needs to prioritise you and his children. Have you got any family that you can stay with or that can come and help you temporarily while you recover in case he goes anyway? I would also speak to your HV, see if they can speak to him, maybe he would listen to them?

I agree with all this, she does have a bit of an attitude where she has to be the most aggrieved person in the room. I just can’t really get it through to my DH he does think the same but still feels it’s his need to support his mum. He thinks he can do it all but he can’t, shown by the fact he’s taking time off work!

OP posts:
ThejoyofNC · 26/03/2026 08:27

Also I'm willing to bet her behaviour has an awful lot to do with her wanting him all to herself. She knows what she's doing. Funny how it's escalated when you need him most.

thanks2 · 26/03/2026 08:31

if she has the money maybe she should have some live in carers as companions - nursing students or the like who get free accommodation plus a small wage like aupairs do. My friend when we were young adults had this job - they had shifts where they slept in an elderly women’s very large room to incase she needed something in the night

LovelyDay14 · 26/03/2026 08:32

Would setting up a carer’s visit twice a day help?

Also do the ambulances actually attend each time she calls them? I would say that is unusual as when I have called for a family member it has been a nine hour wait by which time they have managed to get a lift.

Original poster
Stripedpyjamass · 26/03/2026 08:32

She has recently lost her DF which seems to have escalated things, but she was acting in this way before he died. I have sympathy but have to say it is starting to run out when she’s taking so much from our family! Every night this week we’ve been up late as DH has been catching up on work or at his mums. Then I have the night feeds and then his sibling overseas has been calling between 2-5am because his mum has called them and not given a full story. I’ve had an infection in my catheter and just struggling.

OP posts:
OpheliaWitchoftheWoods · 26/03/2026 08:33

Argh poor you! Is it always the same health concern or varying ones? I wonder how much she's ramped up due to the competition for his and your attention with the birth and your injuries.

Immediately with the issue being you not being alone at home with two small children you're not well enough to care for, I'd suggest either someone overseas is going to have to come home and support DH with her, he's not in a position to split himself in half right now and they need to step up - or consider moving her into your house with you for a week or so. At least you'd have DH in the same house, with other adult pairs of hands to give a child to while you look after yourself, and the drama would be more contained.

Original poster
Stripedpyjamass · 26/03/2026 08:33

LovelyDay14 · 26/03/2026 08:32

Would setting up a carer’s visit twice a day help?

Also do the ambulances actually attend each time she calls them? I would say that is unusual as when I have called for a family member it has been a nine hour wait by which time they have managed to get a lift.

She’s not that old and completely capable physically.

The ambulance has attended because she says she has chest pains/heart attack symptoms.

OP posts:
LovelyDay14 · 26/03/2026 08:34

The person I know who regularly calls for an ambulance or takes themself to A&E generally gets discharged within about five minutes as they are obviously known to the healthcare staff.

Original poster
Stripedpyjamass · 26/03/2026 08:35

OpheliaWitchoftheWoods · 26/03/2026 08:33

Argh poor you! Is it always the same health concern or varying ones? I wonder how much she's ramped up due to the competition for his and your attention with the birth and your injuries.

Immediately with the issue being you not being alone at home with two small children you're not well enough to care for, I'd suggest either someone overseas is going to have to come home and support DH with her, he's not in a position to split himself in half right now and they need to step up - or consider moving her into your house with you for a week or so. At least you'd have DH in the same house, with other adult pairs of hands to give a child to while you look after yourself, and the drama would be more contained.

We have tried that approach - she came to our house, slumped in a chair all day, wouldn’t engage with me or DC - then went home and called another ambulance. Honestly when we’ve tried it all, we really have.

OP posts:
pizzaHeart · 26/03/2026 08:37

mynameiscalypso · 26/03/2026 08:04

I think you are being a bit generous to your DH. It’s not understandable that his DM his is focus (although obviously I really feel for her). His focus needs to be on you and your children. He needs to take a step back, his reaction is probably feeding the anxiety.

This^
Your MIL can call for an ambulance so let her do it if she is unwell.
She needs to go to GP with her complaints and get help for them . I don’t mean anxiety ( of course if GP decides that it’s only anxiety it’s can be help for anxiety). She needs to get to the root of the her issues.

I wonder if she wants to outbid you in being unwell and needing help. Not deliberately but unconsciously.

Piglet89 · 26/03/2026 08:37

Stripedpyjamass · 26/03/2026 08:23

I have said to DH that we need to engage her gp or get professional help but he doesn’t want to do it and I can’t go behind his back. I’ve also said I’m annoyed and feel like I should be a priority but he then got angry and asked how I would feel if it was my parent, I don’t know how I would react but I don’t think I would be offering so much.

Shes at her gp constantly but she refuses to do anything to help herself. Shes only likes to talk about her problems and not act on solutions.

Wasting already stretched GP time that others more urgently need. Jesus.

Original poster
Stripedpyjamass · 26/03/2026 08:38

She’s had all sorts of tests, monitoring etc and they can’t find anything wrong besides anxiety. The symptoms are quite all over the place as well. I have anxiety myself mainly due to what has happened to me at DC birth, but I am able to recognise it for what it is and I’ve done a lot to help myself like engaging with therapy etc.

OP posts:
CopeNorth · 26/03/2026 08:39

Stripedpyjamass · 26/03/2026 08:02

MIL has bad anxiety, mainly manifesting as health anxiety. It seems to be reaching a crisis point. In the last 7 days she has called an ambulance 3 times, taken herself to A&E twice and called us countless times with a health issue. She calls at all hours including the middle of the night. DH has family overseas and if she can’t get hold of him she calls them, who then call us. DH spent 3 hours at her house one evening calming her down then as soon as he left she called an ambulance.

She has therapy, we’ve tried to help so many times offering solutions, she takes medication for anxiety.

DH and I have a newborn baby and a toddler. Through sheer unfortunate luck, when I had DC2 I sustained a significant birth injury which impacts my life on a daily basis with pain and mobility. I am waiting for more major surgery and I have a catheter in which is uncomfortable and limits lifting.

DH understandably is focused on helping his mum which is fine but we are literally now at breaking point. He is suggesting now that he stays her temporarily so she’s not alone? But I physically cannot manage two children alone with my health problem. He’s taking unpaid leave from work to help her, but I’m also on maternity leave so we can’t afford this. MIL is sat pots of money! I don’t want him to take the children away from me to stay with her which is his other suggestion.

I am at a complete loss of what to do. AIBU to think we can’t keep stretching ourselves like this? And that DH needs to step back? Or is there anywhere else that we can get help for me or her?

I’m sorry Op. This must be awful for you. You are not being unreasonable

Joeylove88 · 26/03/2026 08:39

Your husband and his mother are both completely out of order in this situation. She needs to get a grip and be seeking proper help and not expecting her son to be at her beck and call because of her anxieties when he has a young family he needs to be taking care of and prioritizing. I would be so upset and angry if this was me and id be telling him not to bother coming back if he decided to temporarily move out to basically watch his mum to make sure she doesnt call ambulances!

Why cant his sibling travel over to look after her and get her sorted with some professional help? Your husband needs to be at work and be at home for you and his children end of story!

Mymanyellow · 26/03/2026 08:39

Quite coincidental that her health problems have got worse as soon as you are genuinely in need of help and support.