AIBU to ask DH to step back from MIL’s health anxiety?

[Stripedpyjamass]

MIL has bad anxiety, mainly manifesting as health anxiety. It seems to be reaching a crisis point. In the last 7 days she has called an ambulance 3 times, taken herself to A&E twice and called us countless times with a health issue. She calls at all hours including the middle of the night. DH has family overseas and if she can’t get hold of him she calls them, who then call us. DH spent 3 hours at her house one evening calming her down then as soon as he left she called an ambulance.

She has therapy, we’ve tried to help so many times offering solutions, she takes medication for anxiety.

DH and I have a newborn baby and a toddler. Through sheer unfortunate luck, when I had DC2 I sustained a significant birth injury which impacts my life on a daily basis with pain and mobility. I am waiting for more major surgery and I have a catheter in which is uncomfortable and limits lifting.

DH understandably is focused on helping his mum which is fine but we are literally now at breaking point. He is suggesting now that he stays her temporarily so she’s not alone? But I physically cannot manage two children alone with my health problem. He’s taking unpaid leave from work to help her, but I’m also on maternity leave so we can’t afford this. MIL is sat pots of money! I don’t want him to take the children away from me to stay with her which is his other suggestion.

I am at a complete loss of what to do. AIBU to think we can’t keep stretching ourselves like this? And that DH needs to step back? Or is there anywhere else that we can get help for me or her?

Yes I think you should ask for support for yourself. They are not going to take your children!
Some areas have Home Start or similar organisations who can provide practical help. Your Health Visitor will know what’s available locally.

It will also hopefully get through to your DH more that YOU need help, although he should just believe you anyway of course.

Sorry you’re in this situation, it sounds awful. I understand your DH wants to support his mum and I’m sure he feels torn but he is letting you down badly when you need it most.

With respect, @OriginalSkang this might not be the same as your experiences, and in any event the DH has big responsibilities at home. He can refer her to services, but has done far more than enough and it’s not proving useful. She needs professional help.

I would be saying very clearly - MIL THINKS she is unwell I am ACTUALLY unwell catheter associated UTIs can be quite hard to get rid of especially if you’re run ragged. And I’d be really clear the financial side of things is unsustainable! You need to set boundaries with him and he needs to step up and set them with her and the rest of the family. I’d have limited sympathy when you’ve said time and again she won’t help herself.

I love my mum so I understand your DH wanting to help her and be there for her but at the end of the day you and your children really need to be his priority. You need to put your foot down and he needs to get a grip.

If she moves in with OP, they'll never get rid of her. She'll guilt trip the fuck out of OPs husband when they try to send her home. He already can't say no to her.

@OriginalSkang if mentally ill she needs medical help. OP’s DH isn’t going to be able to sort this out, he is not qualified.

@Stripedpyjamass can DH speak to someone who is qualified to give advice, and then pass over to medical team. Him running to her, speaking on the phone with her etc is obviously not alleviating her symptoms/anxiety

People with anxiety or other mental illnesses don’t all lose the ability to feel empathy or feel sorry for any trouble they cause. Often quite the opposite.

I would be suggesting a paid companion carer to go in to her to take some of the load, you need your husband

You really, really don't need to tell me what people who have been in a severe mental health crisis feel. I'm sure she feels sorry but she probably can't help it. She may also be in a semi catatonic state.

I think I would be suggesting that his mother goes on a long term visit to the relatives overseas.........

But him pulling back without getting her the help she needs could clearly tip her over the edge and would be immoral.

You need to stop projecting. Not everyone’s experience is the same. There is nothing here to suggest that the mil is ‘semi-catatonic’.

You are his family, and with babies and your injuries, you need to come first. I understand he's torn between the two and I feel sorry for you all.

Sounds like his mum though would be beyond his actual help, she needs professional, full time help to get her through this escalation in her mental health. I don't think going around babysitting will help her in the long run, may even make her worse and to be honest, I think she needs to go to hospital and let them take over for a while to try and get her back on track.

Meanwhile, somebody who really needs an ambulance has to wait longer because she's wasting their time.............perhaps point this out to your husband too?
This is a very difficult situation for you.

She sounds mentally ill AND manipulative.

Its so, so similar though that its hard not to.

Sorry, I forget how mumsnet feels about mental health issues until I read something like this. Its just pure ignorance of what it means to be mentally ill. People don't think clearly.

No one is calling ambulances daily for fun

Zero compassion on here when it comes to mental health. Its ridiculous.

Sounds horrendous. Do you have the sort of relationship with her where you can tell her how badly she is affecting her son's family by her behaviour? Or would she take that as a personal slight, as selfish neurotic people can do. This obviously should be a task for your DH but it sounds like he won't be effective which is pathetic.

I'd suggest that the boy who cries wolf might apply and if she ever needs an urgent ambulance for genuine reasons one may not turn up.

I'm not going to keep reading this now, so you can all go back to saying what a bitch this mentally ill woman is

I 100% agree they won’t get rid of her. At some point the husband will need to go back to work. Then OP will be ill AND have a newborn AND a toddler AND a demanding MIL to contend with

The OP needs to put her own family and babies first no matter how sympathetic she may be to her MIL.

He is BVU. Completely completely unacceptable.

@OriginalSkang I also suggested getting medical services involved, not just walking away without a care and not have any contact.

But all the running to her now isn’t helping her is it, he spent hours with her the other day and she still called an ambulance after he left. All the energy he is putting in (at the expense of OP who isn’t well herself) is not helping.

I’m a psychotherapist and regularly treat health anxiety. Family members are often unwitting participants in the maintenance of the problem. He’s ‘helping her’ by giving her comfort and reassurance. She will keep needing reassurance and increasingly so. He actually needs to stop rescuing her to help her in the long run.

Perhaps you should call MIL and the overseas relatives in the middle of their nights saying you need help!
Seriously you need a calm discussion with your husband about balancing needs both financial and practical. Suggest that this current situation cannot continue so how are we going to approach it.

I think trying to get him to understand he's feeding her anxiety rather than helping is your best way forward.

All your other points are entirely valid but if he thinks he can do it all (you know the truth) then it's not going to work.

AI was helpful in explaining this. You could get him to do that:

Does constant reassurance and help improve health anxiety or feed into it?

Short answer: it usually feeds into health anxiety over time, even though it feels helpful in the moment.
Health anxiety (often linked to Illness Anxiety Disorder) runs on a cycle:
You notice a symptom or thought
Anxiety spikes
You seek reassurance (Google, checking your body, asking others, tests)
Anxiety drops briefly
Your brain learns: “I needed reassurance to feel safe”
The next worry comes back stronger or more often
So reassurance works like a short-term relief, long-term fuel.
Why it can make things worse
It prevents you from building tolerance to uncertainty (“maybe I’m okay without checking”)
It reinforces the belief that something is wrong
It often leads to needing more frequent or stronger reassurance over time
But it’s not black-and-white
Some reassurance is appropriate and necessary, especially:
When symptoms are new, severe, or clearly concerning
When advised by a doctor
The issue is repetitive reassurance for the same fear after it’s already been checked.
What actually helps more long-term
Gradually reducing reassurance-seeking behaviors
Learning to sit with uncertainty (“I might be okay, and I can handle not knowing for now”)
Approaches like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, especially exposure-based work
A helpful way to think about it
Reassurance is like scratching an itch:
Feels good immediately
But makes the itch come back worse