AIBU to ask DH to step back from MIL’s health anxiety?

[Stripedpyjamass]

MIL has bad anxiety, mainly manifesting as health anxiety. It seems to be reaching a crisis point. In the last 7 days she has called an ambulance 3 times, taken herself to A&E twice and called us countless times with a health issue. She calls at all hours including the middle of the night. DH has family overseas and if she can’t get hold of him she calls them, who then call us. DH spent 3 hours at her house one evening calming her down then as soon as he left she called an ambulance.

She has therapy, we’ve tried to help so many times offering solutions, she takes medication for anxiety.

DH and I have a newborn baby and a toddler. Through sheer unfortunate luck, when I had DC2 I sustained a significant birth injury which impacts my life on a daily basis with pain and mobility. I am waiting for more major surgery and I have a catheter in which is uncomfortable and limits lifting.

DH understandably is focused on helping his mum which is fine but we are literally now at breaking point. He is suggesting now that he stays her temporarily so she’s not alone? But I physically cannot manage two children alone with my health problem. He’s taking unpaid leave from work to help her, but I’m also on maternity leave so we can’t afford this. MIL is sat pots of money! I don’t want him to take the children away from me to stay with her which is his other suggestion.

I am at a complete loss of what to do. AIBU to think we can’t keep stretching ourselves like this? And that DH needs to step back? Or is there anywhere else that we can get help for me or her?

So your MIL is grieving. She also appears to have a longstanding anxiety disorder which previously was largely managed within her marriage.

Up to this point one can be sympathetic.

However she has hit on the solution that her son stands in for her husband by being with her 24/7. Despite the son having a poorly wife and 2 small children.

The more time your DH spends with her, the more successful this strategy is and it will never end.

He needs to step back so she is forced into finding a real solution.

In fairness to DH it isn’t easy to walk away from your parents. Isn’t this an example of FOG (fear, obligation, guilt)

Although he does need to take a step back. Tell overseas relatives to stop phoning. Turn phone off at night, or set it up so it only registers certain numbers (not relatives or mums).

If mum has pots of money try and get carers involved, although assume she would refuse. She needs mental health support.

Only speak to her once a day

Even with phoning for 3 ambulances in one week, calling her overseas relatives for help etc.. she sounds mentally unwell and I’d be concerned that she’d do something to herself?

Call your HV for support, they will not take your kids away. You must be feeling awful with an infection to contend with too, does your DH realise how serious that can be? If your body does not get adequate chance to rest and fight the infection it could end up with you in hospital on intravenous antibiotics.

Your MIL's GP clearly knows about her anxiety because she calls them and goes for repeated appointments so there is no point calling them on her behalf. All services will be aware because she calls the ambulance service regularly too.

No one can help her if she doesn’t want help.

You need your DH, he’s responsible for looking after you just now, not his mother.

I’d ring social work and flag her up as a vulnerable adult. These nuisance calls to the emergency services should trigger a visit at least. Or the attention of the police, as it can be an offence to keep calling 999.

Then the sons need to leave her to it. They are not helping

She doesn’t meet the threshold for sectioning no

Oh, and yes, tell your health visitor! I really feel for you, this is shit

As someone who has been through something similar to what the MIL is experiencing (except without calling ambulances), I'm not sure what you think him pulling back will achieve? She needs help. This isn't 'pandering', she is going through a mental health crisis following a traumatic event

Is she taking sedatives at all?

I think you need to look into carers for her, or take her back to her GP and explain the affect this is having on all of you/the NHS and ensure a proper plan is put in to place to help her

I was going to suggest this. We have a similar situation with my mother but it’s not health anxiety it’s more attention seeking behaviour. My mother (85yrs), almost every morning, is claiming to be in ‘the worst pain ever’ (yet will refuse to take painkillers). My dad (91yrs) panics and there’s an endless round of A&E visits along with GPs visit. They used to ring my sister on a daily basis (not me. One of the advantages of not being the favoured daughter) who initially would take it at face value and despite living over an hour away with a full time job would drive over only to find out she was now ‘fine’ and would deny anything ever having been wrong. It is slightly complicated in our case that she does have a couple of medical issues but ironically then refuses to be treated for them or take the medication given so appears to have a genuine basis for her claims initially.

What helped us was to get a carer coming in the morning on a daily basis. They could make sure she’d actually taken the medication given and prevent Dad from panicking and calling for an ambulance/GP appointment or going to A&E. Plus she couldn’t manipulate them so again cut down on the unnecessary medical visits.

Also the numerous calls for NHS assistance, which were largely unnecessary, did prompt some action and we have had social services and a wellbeing nurse trying to provide some support. Unfortunately she has refused everything offered (and by extension my Dad who won’t go against her) but at least it got them on the NHS radar.

I know it’s difficult but your DH needs to take a hardline approach and not be so available. If nothing else it means she will turn to outside services which should trigger some sort of assessment. My sister did find it very difficult at first to ignore but she realised there was no genuine issues. She would ask if she had taken her her medication (which she generally hadn’t) then say she would ring in an hour to see if she was ok she she always was often denying she’d ever felt unwell.

I also note that the op’s MIL has still gone on tge ring an ambulance once the op’s DH has left so this is unsustainable so he hasn’t really helped the situation just delayed the outcome.

My panic attacks got so bad and I was so terrified of being on my own that in my extremely un-healthy state of mind I started to think that the only way to stop the panic was to kill myself, something that I very much did not want to do. Then I started to worry that I would kill myself without my own consent (I know there is a better way to word that but I can't think of it!) and that escalated my panic even more

Its an awful situation you're in and I really feel for you, but you can't just let a loved one descend into madness and terror on their own

Your husband needs to block the overseas sibling at night times. It's outrageous that they're phoning in the middle of the night, particularly when it must be clear by now that your MIL's dramas are all exaggerated.

If your husband goes there to ‘temporarily’ stay, he will never leave.

Does she feel guilty at all? Both my elderly parents and in-laws would have been mortified to take my husband away from me if I had two young kids and a physical health condition.

Does she drink, @Stripedpyjamass ?

Why won't your husband engage with her GP or professionals? Surely by now it is obvious that you need to do this - him spending time round there is simply going to increase her demands, it won't solve anything. She may well need some sort of mental health assessment and/or help from social services.

You need support. You're post partum, you've got an infected catheter and you're awaiting surgery. That's one issue.

Your husband is being an absolute piss taker. That's the other issue.

It is not understandable, he's got his priorities very wrong. I would write him a letter and tell him that you're not prepared to continue, that you feel let down in the worst way by him and that this will end your marriage if he doesn't change tack immediately. He needs to get back to work immediately or you'll have a financial issue to put on the pile of stressors. She can't crawl through the phone line, take the phone off the hook.

You need to prioritise yourself, starting now. Speak to your HV, your GP and get some help. Be honest about the situation. They will not take the children but you absolutely do need some support. Do you have any friends or family that could help you? Seek help and take it, stop protecting him, he's making some seriously poor choices and that's on him.

Do you have family nearby? If you do and you get along I’d take the kids and tell your husband that since you can’t rely on him that you are getting the help you need elsewhere. I wouldn’t be committing to a return date either.

She isn't well/thinking straight. Clearly.

She is sounding more and more mainipulative, and less and less autrhentically in need of support and help, with every post

In all fairness if she’s in her 70’s then her father was most likely in his 90’s and maybe even 100. So hardly a out of the blue and surprising event

It’s not a race to the bottom and it sounds like OP had a traumatic event with her birth injuries. She also had to care for a newborn and toddler whilst her husband is indulging his mother

Definitely contact social services and register as vulnerable adult, or would she already be on their radar due to ambulance calls? I would also tell them you can’t care for her due to your family circumstances.

Does she attend her therapy?

My point is that she is clearly not in her right mind and in a panic. She isn't able to think about the OP, because she is in what sounds like a permanent state of panic

I'd wager that one day of him at his mother's in charge of both children whiel she whines about nothing would pull the scales from his eyes

She sounds fucking mentally ill. Manipulative? FFS!

I'd be ready to read the riot act on this one for so many reasons.

It should be enough for him to understand that you have real injuries and she has imagined ones, but it might help him to understand that he is causing her anxiety to worsen.

Her anxiety is telling her that she's at risk of losing attention (medical symptoms are just the thing that gets her attention), and when he gives her attention, it just perpetuates the false anxiety and tells her that it's correct.

(After some genuine harassment, I had some issues with receiving emails, my body interpreted it as fearful - I needed to learn that emails weren't a threat, and the only way was exposure.)

Her anxiety needs to learn that faking medical attention doesn't produce the dopamine result she wants.