AIBU to ask DH to step back from MIL’s health anxiety?

[Stripedpyjamass]

MIL has bad anxiety, mainly manifesting as health anxiety. It seems to be reaching a crisis point. In the last 7 days she has called an ambulance 3 times, taken herself to A&E twice and called us countless times with a health issue. She calls at all hours including the middle of the night. DH has family overseas and if she can’t get hold of him she calls them, who then call us. DH spent 3 hours at her house one evening calming her down then as soon as he left she called an ambulance.

She has therapy, we’ve tried to help so many times offering solutions, she takes medication for anxiety.

DH and I have a newborn baby and a toddler. Through sheer unfortunate luck, when I had DC2 I sustained a significant birth injury which impacts my life on a daily basis with pain and mobility. I am waiting for more major surgery and I have a catheter in which is uncomfortable and limits lifting.

DH understandably is focused on helping his mum which is fine but we are literally now at breaking point. He is suggesting now that he stays her temporarily so she’s not alone? But I physically cannot manage two children alone with my health problem. He’s taking unpaid leave from work to help her, but I’m also on maternity leave so we can’t afford this. MIL is sat pots of money! I don’t want him to take the children away from me to stay with her which is his other suggestion.

I am at a complete loss of what to do. AIBU to think we can’t keep stretching ourselves like this? And that DH needs to step back? Or is there anywhere else that we can get help for me or her?

She only rings her relatives overseas because she knows they will be desperate to pass the buck to your DH and keep ringing you.
Is there any relatives of yours nearby you could stay with? You need to prioritise your needs so that you and DC are taken care of because your DH isn’t going to step up.

When someone is like this, clear boundaries are needed. The poor husband rushing over will not be helping at all. It will perpetuate the issue. A different approach is needed.

One possible suggestion is a meeting with the GP, mil and you both. To clarify the current health issues and make a plan. To write down when she should or should not call an ambulance.

Does the GP have any support services, peer coaches or social prescribing? Someone to meet with mil once a week to offer distraction and another way to look at her life.

I would also call Age UK. They have some brilliant services.

If she is calling ambulances and going to A and E repeatedly, she will be flagged and there may well be a professionals meeting organised.

OP, you do need help. And your husband needs to be with you.

Yep. Psychiatrist of 30y here and I agree with you.

If he goes to stay with her, that will set up a whole new set of expectations from her. She's not going to let him leave, or if he does she'll be calling and insisting that he comes back.

It's quite incredible that he's not even thinking about what you'll be having to deal with when he's gone, and the financial hit of his plans. I'd seriously be reconsidering the relationship.

When someone mentioned carers, you said she's not old. That's not the point (and if she's in her 70s, like me, she's starting to get on a bit). But carers can also be emotional supporters. And having someone come every day that she can moan to, might buy you space, and give her the attention that she craves.

It sounds like a nightmare OP and I sympathise. I'd suggest an adult social services review, bereavement counselling, time in a private MH unit such as the Priory and then a paid companion!

Its very suspicious that her needs have rapidly increased since you became unwell OP! 🤔

I couldn't cope if my DH was spending so much time with her and also taking unpaid leave. Sorry OP, I'd be furious.

Health anxiety is awful but this is not the same. This is a mentally unstable and manipulative woman.
I can guarantee if the DH here moved back in with his mum, solo, her health would improve no end.
The MIL here is probably about my age. I do have a number of significant physical issues and I do get anxious, but only in that it can be more of a challenge to get help when needed.
Firstly, the relatives abroad need to be told - don’t pick up the phone. It is really, really tough but it needs to be done.
Secondly, the DH here needs to get a grip. There is nothing physically wrong with his mother which requires such attention.
If this keeps up in a decade OP will have no marriage and no functioning DH either.
I am not decrying health anxiety but this is mental manipulation - the MIL has a constant need for attention. Possibly reassurance but she knows there is nothing physically wrong.
It will be really hard to put boundaries in place but this situation is actually harming the MIL, too.

I’m writing this as someone who used to suffer with health anxiety so I know how scary it can be but this is not fair to you and your family. It sounds like he is putting his mums needs above his families which isn’t sustainable.

She needs mental health professionals dealing with this, it shouldn’t be on you and your husband. Is she on any medication at all to help with the anxiety?

How about we stop focusing on the MIL problems, you can't fix her, so stop thinking about how you can. At most I'd report to adult social services.

You have a DH problem. He is prioritising his mother over his work, his children and his severely injured wife. You are his priority, he made the vow, forsaking all others, that's not just staying sexually committed, it means prioritising his wife over ALL other relationships.

He needs to be at home looking after his wife and children. His mum isn't physically ill, she doesn't need assistance, he cannot make her better.

Can you tell your health visitor YOU are not getting enough support, you are struggling and are there any services to help you? Do you have any family that can help you. Something to be able to empower you to say "either be here to help me or fuck off."

Oh, and the relatives abroad need telling that they must not call you. That everything's on hand, and that with a small baby and a health condition of your own, you need to sleep.

This thread prompted me to read the Frequent Callers policies for some ambulance services. Lots of words, but difficult to understand what can actually be done. There’s lots of plans and bouncing around between services. I was surprised to read that in one area it’s women 25-29 who are frequent callers, alongside those 65+. Skim read, lots of tables, graphs, pages, it’s a well recognised problem.

Do you know if she is under the Older Adults/Community Mental Health team? If so, your husband needs to contact them and explain things are spiralling and are at breaking point.

Failing that, do a referral to adult social care.

I’d assume your local mental health Trust will be aware of her, they will most likely correspond with the acute Trust regarding the 999 calls and ambulance call outs.

Your husband being on unpaid leave is unsustainable. He really needs to have a plan in place.

i hope it all improves and she gets the professional support she needs. I hope you health starts ro
improve too 💐

That was my thought. She doesn't like you getting the attention she wants.

Why is he so opposed to having a paid carer, when it seems the perfect solution?
It seems there’s an inappropriate level of dependency on both sides.

Exactly. The OP needs to highlight to her health visitor that one of the problems she is facing in caring for her children and herself is the unreasonable demands of someone not in their immediate household family to the detriment of that family and that she lacks the support of her DH. And can someone who can actually give the MIL professional effective help step in.

My mum used to call the ambulance for no reason. She was in an extra care flat, and if the overnight carers didn't respond to her buzzer quickly enough in the she'd call 999.

Eventually the strategy was that if they got a call from her number the ambulance service would call me or the carers before coming out.

I agree that your husband needs firm boundaries with her but it sounds like he is not willing to do that.

I am really strict with my family member who keeps ringing the emergency services (not just ambulances) and it’s hard as sometimes you don’t know what the truth is and you ask yourself is it a cry wolf situation. Sometimes they want me to make the emergency call. I always pass it back to them and try to distance myself from it. I never pick them up from hospital either although it is hard to say no. I would say your husband should not get involved at all. He might harden himself to it in time.

I will say the emergency services do know the people who do this and often have to turn up anyway. I remember one elderly lady on the Ambulance programme who kept doing the same and the paramedics would turn up and check her over and reassure her until she did it again.

I agree it’s a DH problem. As MIL gets older she’ll start having additional health problems. The situation will only get worse and the OP’s goodwill truly exhausted by then.

Do you have family you can go and stay with? In all honesty if my husband couldn't prioritise me in this stage of life I'm not sure I could forgive that. How about getting lifeline for your MIL? So she presses the buzzer for them rather than your DH.

Oh OP you poor thing. Yes, tell your health visitor who will hopefully have a word with your H.

They're not going to take your kids, but they might get more support for you and possibly also MIL.

Also can you tell the family abroad not to call in you the middle of the night? Either they come over themselves or they find other solutions

/ call 111 or an ambulance themselves. You have a newborn FFS. It's not ok to be calling and waking new parents up. I simply can't believe this behaviour it's so bad. What the hell are they thinking doing this? Tell them NO! Phones need to be off at night (you can turn them on if you need to use them).

It is possible to pay to get a service which will respond to older people if they have a fall or something. I have a relative with it. It's a button he wears around his neck and he can push it if he falls and then there's a speaker in the hall and he can talk to someone, tell them what's happened etc. I'd suggest MIL pay for this if she needs someone on call.

OP I really empathise with your situation - my mother had this. What I would add though is that severe health anxiety is real. Those posters who have said she just needs to get a grip may not understand that she cannot just do that. She needs professional help as you have said. Health anxiety is related to OCD. Also the anxiety can cause physical symptoms which then reinforce the behaviour. The better news is that with support this can change. My mother (after a similarly bumpy ride) is now in a good place and has normal levels of anxiety. We had to draw a line, while also engaging with her gp who was very good. Do pm me if you want more detail. I know every individual is different but the longer it goes on, the harder it is to sort….

One thing I learned from COVID is there is nothing you can do to help someone with anxiety based disorders - they need professional help and the best thing you can do is help them to get that.

Feeding the anxiety just exacerbates the situation and makes it worse.

Your husband and his siblings have to stop engaging directly with the anxiety (IYSWIM) and try getting her to see a GP or therapist to get her the help she needs.

I feel for you, OP 💐 Your DH must prioritise caring for you and his DC, as well as the family income while you’re on mat leave.

Plus, he’s probably not helping his mum by pandering to every episode. She must take some responsibility for managing her anxiety. And have some respect for you.

And why on earth are the siblings disturbing your family through the night when you have a newborn, toddler and are dealing with a serious injury? They shouldn’t pile the responsibility onto your family. If they’re concerned, they should take leave themselves to care for her or make alternative arrangements (paid carer).

If DH won’t put you and his own DC first when you’re recovering from birth trauma and caring for a newborn, when will he? If he really won’t, can you ask for support from your own family and friends? Then consider if you want the relationship to continue if he’s not prepared to be there for you.

His allegiance should be with you and your kids. She needs professional help. I would not be answering the phone. What happens if you just don’t answer?

I'd like to form a MN posse to go over to OP's house, unplug any physical phones, turn OP's phone off and 'accidentally' drop the H's phone in the toilet so she can have a night or two where the only demands will be her newborn (and possibly also toddler).

It's exhausting enough having a newborn and toddler, more so if you're actually suffering from birth injuries. The middle of the night calls from entitled, selfish bastard 3rd parties HAVE to stop. They can come home to support the MIL themselves if they want to.

My Mum was a carer for my Dad, she didn't want him to go into a home but did, it turned out, want me to become Dad's carer. I had two small children and work for myself so this couldn't happen.

There were some genuine emergencies which I made a huge effort to be there for. However, it got to the point she'd phone an ambulance to get him admitted if he'd had a bad night and seemed on some level to enjoy the fuss and being out of routine, and would always expect me to rush down even if he wasn't actually ill.

I'd been ill by that point myself and there was just nothing left in the tank so I stopped haring down to see her.

The paramedics got to the point of refusing to take in DF, then the GP eventually stepped in and kept Dad in hospital and said he needed to go into a home.

The more your DH responds to this the more she's going to keep doing it. If he drops the rope I'd expect some sort of super emergency to try and get him back on board, but he can't keep putting her ahead of his kids.

I think it would be a very good idea if you told the overseas relatives that you're ill yourself and can't take any more phone calls in the middle of the night, and turn your phones off to get some sleep.