Senior Manager comments sent to me by mistake

[Melanieee]

Need to share as I’m unsure if I’m just feeling a bit ‘hurt’ as it was something I perceived as negative, or if it wasn’t actually a big deal and I’ve worked myself up.

I’m in a project role in a big corporate, working with a new department at the moment. There’s a number of issues with stakeholders I am working with so my manager suggested I emailed the senior manager of that department with a summary and suggest we hold a call to discuss a way forward. I did this as suggested.

I then had a notification where the email simply said ‘will do’ so was a follow on from an earlier email.

The earlier email was the senior manager forwarding my email to someone on his team and he said ‘Put some time in with her will you so she feels listened to. Needs reining in.’

The colleague had (I assume) included me as they likely typed my name in the subject to see my job/department details etc.

I feel really shit, I haven’t replied or told my manager as it happened late on today.

Dis you include in your email that you were sending the mail with your managers knowledge?Maybe they think you were skipping steps?

That’s how it reads to me anyway, they sound irritated.

Reining in might mean the situation needs reining in - not the person.

I think what I would do is feel miserable and not say anything - but not sure that's the right action.

To be fair, and I tried to be objective about the whole thing, yes, it does sound sexist.

in fact, the first thing that came to my mind was ‘geez do these people really not fear employment law?!’

In some properly regulated areas, this manager would be getting the boot or at least a warning

I don’t think it’s nothing that you’re blowing up out of proportion. But there is no point in feeling “hurt” by it.

You didn’t go in to detail, but you mentioned issues with stakeholders and this seems very much like evidence of that - a lack of respect for your role in the project and a lack of buy in to the project itself. In someways, if you’ve been struggling with stakeholders, having it clearly documented that it’s them not you, is clarity and potentially quite useful.

This is work. You have to work with a bit of an arsehole in a difficult situation. Taking it personally and getting emotionally invested is a poor approach to dealing with these types of people and also, frequently, problematic when you’re managing multi-departmental projects. You could do with his respect and buy-in for the project, and that is clearly going to be difficult, but what he thinks of you personally is neither here nor there. And what you think of him is entirely up to you. So be annoyed with him, but don’t be hurt. Don’t let it affect your self-esteem or how you feel about yourself. His opinion of you has nothing to do with whether you’re good, nice, witty, clever, kind, or whatever attributes you value about yourself. They’re just about him being an arsehole and not wanting the project (or, at least, not wanting it to be anything other than entirely on his terms).

Yes, I liked that advice.

Although some of the suggestions on here are amusing, please don’t do them. The email was unkind but that is all. It also wasn’t meant for the OP. Sometimes at work you get a dickhead (or several dickheads).

HR are probably not going to go nuclear on this guy - particularly if he is very important or a high revenue generator. Chances are that if anyone mentioned that the email came to you, he would either be irritated to have it mentioned or give a bollocking to whoever wrote “Will do” and copied you in (although I would be cross with this person too).

Let your manager know but, unless things become very difficult, you may need to just push on through.

Reply to all and include your manager, "Was I supposed to be copied into this email?"

Find another job

I don't think it's ambiguous. They only want to make her feel that she's been listened to. If it was a situation that needed reining in, they would actually want to listen her.

It's very hard to give advice when no one understands the role. The email suggests she is struggling she has to look into CPD in order to keep her job if she wants it. Sometimes that's not even enough they may see her as incompetent. She works in the corporate world and all they care about is results and money.

The email is patronising. I understand why the op feels like shit. She needs to up her game.

Look I feel for you and I have no doubt he was being a prick towards you but the wording of that is ambiguous and any grievance or escalation of your concerns will fall on deaf ears.

Him saying “so she feels listened to” isn’t a bad thing, it’s quite blunt but by definition he can defend that. He could say, he intended that so you feel listened to ie just means you are heard out, validated, understood, time taken by his team to listen to your concerns etc build rapport.

Him saying “Needs reining in” can be defended by him too. He didn’t explicitly say “she”
needs reigning in. He could say, he intended to say “the problems” (you raised) need reigning in because they are important and those kinds of concerns need to be addressed blah blah.

I’d honestly document it but file it, like gather evidence if needed. But at the moment I’m not seeing strong evidence of anything indefensible. HR will back him.

Yes to this. Do not ignore it if you plan to stay there. Also don’t take the high ground and be ‘wryly amused’. It’s fucking rude and obnoxious and reeks of misogyny

OP, maybe you overinflated the issue and sent it to the wrong person (the top manager in the business area) instead of their assistant or whoever sits under them and does the actual work.

I would leave it and continue on with organising the call with this new person.

Also, if there are problems, could you detail briefly on an email and ask for a response. Does it need a call?

I like your thinking, but would write it in English not blue sky jargon.🙄

SO cringey, I hope to god OP didn't send that one!

You could write back “I don’t believe you meant to send this to me” and then say nothing. Let them squirm a bit, then be polite but cool in the meeting and hold your ground! Let your manager know verbally.

🤣🤣

I agree. Extremely rude and offhand.

I’d take it at face value, copy in everyone including your manager, and reply, ‘Thanks for your time, Bob. I’d appreciate being listened to and hopefully we can move forward on reining in the project. When would suit? Specifically, we need to discuss…’ That way they know you’ve clocked them but you’re choosing not to be offended. It is a storm in a teacup but I think it would fester if you didn’t say something. This is professional without being flippant and doesn’t escalate the situation.

There’s no point in informing HR. At most the senior manager would get a gentle tap on wrist from his/her manager or sent on some ‘how to use email properly’ course.

Agree with this. The email is ambiguous enough to be talking about the situation as well as you. Keep it for your records and mention as above and see how the meeting goes.

You can then assess if you need to take further steps. But I wouldn't take this personally at this point.

Reining in is correct terminology, I’m not sure why so many people are making horse jokes (OP don’t make horse jokes)

That's the mane point.

Ba ba Boom

What’s with all the bollocks suggestions to not say anything??? And why shouldn’t the OP name and shame the completely inappropriate comment?
Id be emailing right back with a question - “Hi XXX, could you explain the comment you made as highlighted above please?” And await their reply. Do not let this person walk all over you. I’d also copy in HR.

I think he thinks you're right and agrees with you something needs to be done. Best of luck